Did you read her last text messages to me after I got to Hawaii? It doesn't seem like there is much care from her about things at all. She wants nothing else then to divorce and to forget about a life she once started with me, so why oh why does she insist on doing what she is doing.
Are you asking why she's pursuing divorce? Well let's go back to your very first post:
Quote:
She has been very depressed for a long time being away from family and friends and finding it really hard to land a job where we live in the field she went to college for. I travel %100 for work and she would often call me crying about how lonely she was and how much she missed me. I would tell her I had to work to pay the bills, especially since I was the only one making any money.
Quote:
When we first met the sex life was awesome, but after we got married it suffered a great deal mainly on my part in worrying about her.
Quote:
We didn't always communicate the best, but I figured that was pretty normal as couples go and newly married. It was a learning process which we were both working on. She felt it was an issue at times, but I didn't feel it was as big of a deal. She mentioned that I would sometimes go 10 hours or more without taking to her. I’m my defense I was working and a lot of them times unable to text and when I got off work I had little time to do things for myself like go to the gym and eat, so I would neglect her in that respect, but not a lot. Although I would say she felt it was a lot. Her love language is quality time, which I know suffered with my job, and the words of affirmation were high on her list too. I personally had to work on that one, but I always told her I loved her.
Quote:
She missed her family a great deal and always wanted to spend a couple holidays there, but I turned it down often because of financially it wasn't the best option for us. I know now I should have made it more of a priority. In March she really wanted to go home for her birthday and surprise her parents, but I wouldn't commit to it because I was unsure of my work schedule and also wanting to save money, so she ended up going by herself.
Quote:
Then about a week before I was ready to come home she calls me and tells me she is going to leave and go back home to her parents. She said she was very unhappy and felt she lost herself, not sure who she was anymore and needed to find herself again. She said she also really missed her family and friends and could cry any more over it and wanted to be back home with her parents. She said she had been crying herself to sleep every night for the last two weeks, which I was unaware of.
Now I'm not assigning blame here, but it sounds like your W was absolutely miserable. The sex was bad, communication was bad, her friends and family were a country away and her H was never there to support her emotionally, sometimes going a full 10 hours with no communication at all. She spiraled into depression. She was so desperate to save herself that she left her marriage and went home, a move that was no doubt embarrassing to her. No adult wants to move back home with their parents after they've established a life outside of that. This to her was probably her last resort. You admit she tried communicating these things to you and you just dismissed it as being a normal part of married life. But it is NOT normal. What she was going through was traumatic, and she needed out.
Now, in reading your posts you have never really stated what you are offering her that is different than before. I get the impression you just want her to move back to Cali with you and resume the same old life that drove her to the point of misery. That's not an option. If you're so desperate to save the M, what are you offering her that is substantially different than before, that will solve all of those issues she had in the M?
Originally Posted By: Cali08
I don't know what I want to do? I have been clear from the beginning that I want our marriage to work
But you have not been clear about what that means. HOW are you going to make it work? Because returning to the status quo is not the answer. How are you going to address her depression and anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy?
Quote:
What could she actually have to say to me that will matter at all?
There seems to be a lot of this kind of attitude in your posts, you're dismissing her feelings and emotions without ever even hearing what they are. The answer to your question is literally ANYTHING she tells you would matter, if you choose to listen.
Quote:
I feel she is disrespecting more now then she has this entire time and I will not be walked on like that.
I don't think she's being disrespectful at all. She's scared, worried and doesn't know what to do. She doesn't want to go back to your old married life, but she hasn't really gotten any reassurances from you that staying married would be any different. She feels painted into a corner, like D is the only way out.
Quote:
So tear this way of thinking apart so I can understand if I am going about this all wrong.
Well, I think you're still looking at it from the point of view of what YOU want instead of trying to understand what SHE wants. You really need to seek and understand what she wants and evaluate whether that's possible for you or not. IE, she may not even want to leave her home town at this point, so staying together may mean some huge life changes for you that you may or may not be willing to accept. If you want to save your M then get started rewriting that letter to tell her you want to know what SHE thinks a future, perfect M with you would look like. Don't just send her a letter saying you love her and want to stay married and think she's pretty, that addresses NONE of the issues she has with the M.
