Wife says that she had enough, files for divorce

[SwHubby]

Background:

We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. D is 4 years old. We bought the house just before D was born. My wife has a long history of suffering from rheumatism as well as depression. Ske was also depressed after D was born. She connected deeply with D: could not stand being away from her, watched me like a hawk when I had her and like changed diapers, would only let others hold D for a short period of time, were (and still is) overprotective.

Me on the other hand, burned out really bad at work and got a stress induced fatigue syndrome (do not know if the term is correct for US/UK). I’ve had the fatigue for almost 3 years now with fatigue, headaches, being stress sensitive, sensitive to light and noises, emotionally numb, depressive, difficulty to remember stuff as well as a generally low level of psychic endurance. I got better over time and has been working part-time for a while. I will hopefully be back at work full-time this autumn. The symptoms are still there but can be controlled most of the time.

During this period W grew distant from me. At periods, I could not really show affection for her or our D and my physical and phycic endurance has been highly volatile on a daily basis. I have not been able to be my “normal happy me” and I have been around my family physically but not been present mentally. I could just sit there and stare out the window without thinking of anything. I rested a lot. We have not been intimate for the past year now and I have sensed that she has been more and more withdrawn from me for at least the past 6 months. Not wanting to hug or be close to me.
She started to work after parental leave 2 years ago at a new company, in a position she wanted to have previously. She is really engaged and has quickly become the glue of the place. The person everyone talks to when somethings needs to get done and who everyone likes. But she has been working too much for a long time. During the past months, her work description got altered so she could finish work in the assigned hours. Both me and other family members were really worried for her before that because it felt like she was close to burning out.
I have sensed that this was not going well but told myself that it could be handled in the future. I started to plan for us to find our way back to each other this spring, when W could work less. That is also my I sent her away for a week to the sun on holiday (see last post) even though I could not follow due to work.

I had felt for a long time that life was hopeless and felt like a victim. However, I started to feel better about myself. Took action during spring: I have been decreasing the level of anti-depressants (think that they may be partly responsible for my emotional numbness), went on a 1 week camp for ppl with fatigue syndrome (learned that I had already come a long way in healing myself compared to others), booked travels for us (anniverseries), trying to find activities for just the two of us, discussing other things than D, getting some light physical exercise. However, it seems like it was too late, too little.

W issues:
- She cannot see a future where I’m not sick. That the situation cannot get any better. Life with me in it is hopeless.
- She is really unhappy and think that the only solution would be to leave me. That I am to blame for her unhappiness and everything that is bad in her life and our relationship is because of my illness.
- She thinks that I cannot take care of myself and therefore not being able to take care of a child (based on how I’ve been before in my illness).
- She also thinks that I could have done more to get healthy faster.
- She thinks that I am unable to discuss emotional stuff. This has been a problem for me since childhood, but I have at least improved over time.
- I have a hard time taking action. I read and plan a lot, but either it takes too long or I do not get to the action part.
- She thinks that I take her for granted snd did not show her affection. I have been prioritizing myself the past years.
- She gets unhappy and feel guilt when we are discussing fianancial issues, because she generally wants to buy stuff and I ask her if we really need that particular stuff. However, I do not think that she is irresponsible with money and tries to reason with her about it, telling her that if it is important and if she really wants it, then of course we’ll buy it.
- One thing I noticed when reading is that we have different love languages. I need physical intimacy which my wife has problems with. She wants to be shown by actions that she is important, without her needing to tell me about it. Like giving her small gifts, doing things for her like starting the car for her in the winter morning, planning things for her/us.