hey, in the marriage vows commonly used in America, are the words "From this day forward."
I find those^^ words of tremendous value. It's not just about forgiveness, but on that note, I now think h never forgave me for my mistakes.
It's ironic to me now, but beside my point. In other words, the time I recall feeling ashamed, I really did ask him to forgive me and he said it like he meant it.
But 20 years later, it's quite clear he did not forgive me nor did he let it go NOR did he even remember it accurately.
I don't just mean we saw it differently, I mean he literally changed it in his mind into something worse and never said a word to ME until just before our sep.
Why does it matter? Not saying it does, but it is a teaching point about what we mean when we say "let it go" or to "forgive".
OTOH
when I forgave him for his "MLC" (or whatever we call it), it's not b/c he asked me to forgive him. It's because it was impossible for me to remain married and have any peace, without it.
Now I wonder about this^^ approach. Obviously.
So my "advice" is to look at the words "From this day forward" and each of you decide if you can apply them.
As you may recall - the Retrovaille experience h and I had at the weekend, was great. Profound and probably the reason we got another decade out of the m.
But I mentioned we only went to one follow up b/c of the logistics and I smh now, seeing those words..
"it was too much of a hassle"....um, yeah, so is divorce.
the take away here - if there is one - is to
figure out what is the piece of this trouble in you, that harbors resentment about the past
(which is to be handled in some way that allows you peace, at some point in time) Versus,
real issues in your present day marriage -
AND whether you can or should work on that^^^
(I say whether you "should" b/c maybe there are legit issues in your "today m" that you Blu - cannot - accept)
but if you can and should work on these "today's m" issues, figure out how. I know there is overlap of your today problems and resentment/pain from the past.
I believe there are elements of PTSD in this, too. Literally. So maybe a T who helps deal with that aspect, would be useful.
My bet is that the Retrovaille people can guide you in selecting a new way or T for it.
And of course the simple but not easy, suggestion I have, is to complete the dang program Retrovaille has.
Their structure is a process that I'd trust.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
