ILYBINILWY - OW - what to do next 2

[SJW]

H was texting me this morning asking about my work sitch, told him it was too complicated for text and would explain when I spoke to him next. He called me an hour ago so I could explain it to him as he's really worried about me. WTF?? I actually was able to be upbeat and friendly, told him to stop worrying I will be fine. He then said he didn't know what to do at the weekend as I won't let him stay in the house so I just said we'll discuss it tomorrow or when I see you as need to get on.

Believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do I think are Sandis rules. he's asking because he wants money and with me always being the primary earner he's panicking I'm sure of it.

[Parkema]

Hi SJ

Stand your ground.

Unfortunately A's affect every part of your life including financially BUT that doesn't mean you should get the short end, you need to seek professional advice regarding this.

If your train of thought is correct then it could help with aiding the "fog" to lift and your WS seeing how reality looks without you in his life, who knows...

Again remember these people are masters of manipulation and are thinking 2-steps ahead, they will already have the answer to the question they ask you in their head as they know you that well and know how to best manoeuvre you into getting what they want, you have to do the same.
Feed him crumbs IF you have to interact at all.

[SJW]

Hi Mark

There is no way as long as A continues he is staying in this house when I'm in it.

I'm not sure what you mean about 'aiding the fog to lift'. The difficulty I have is I can't afford to stay in the house on my own even if I wasn't losing my job without him paying half to everything and I can't see him doing that for long. Additionally the quicker I can sell or rent it out the quicker I can cut my outgoings down and then he will only have to pay maintenance and he's currently agreed to pay 25% of my S's school fees from September (he starts private school for seniors). That said even living for free at work he's in a single room and has other outgoings so he won't be in as good as place as we have been financially plus he's lost the house that he loves. Was that what you meant?

My friend wants to take me away for the night one day next week and I could ask him to stay and look after the kids or they could stay with my other friend no problem, what do you think?

Thanks for checking in on me yesterday was BAD don't want to go there again!

[Parkema]

Hi SJ,

Good attitude regarding not allowing him back unless he ends it.

The reference "fog" will be disputed on these boards but basically whilst they're in a state of infatuation down to the chemicals racing around their heads they as you know don't see things properly then all of a sudden something will shake them out of it "the fog". I've heard when reality kicks in this helps and also knowing that the LBS has moved on to someone else.

I feel you getting out is a great idea and by all means ask your WS to take some responsibility regarding looking after your kids, double-whammy here shows you're not revolving your life around him plus you remain amicable regarding visitation.

My gut feeling will be that he won't agree to doing it as he doesn't want you to move on with your life leaving him with no plan B.

Take care.

Mark.

[SJW]

Thanks Mark that's great advice :-)

I've just been working out what his financial situation will be if he continues down this path and it's not great so that is definitely going to be a reality check for him :-) I intend to work it all out properly tomorrow and document it to him.

I have also emailed my boss this morning and asked him how we can move the redundancy process forward asap and again asked him to consider a settlement agreement for confidentiality purposes and I get a tax free settlement rather than taxed which is better for me and cheaper for the business although he does seem fixated on the redundancy. I have decided that what will be will on this front as I don't have space in my head or heart to do battle with him right now. If he doesn't go for the confidentiality agreement then I can always revisit that further down the line when I'm stronger if I need to which hopefully I won't.

Thanks again, I'm off out GAL with my friend this afternoon, catch up later.

SJ

[SJW]

H was supposed to let me know yesterday if he was coming back last night or tonight to see the kids. He text at 5pm, which would have been too late for him to get back last night, saying that he would come tonight and he was going out with one of the guys from work. He rang at 8 and spoke to the kids then wanted to chat with me as usual as if nothings changed!! I'd decided earlier in the evening that I can't face him right now so I told him I'd forgotten that I had a work function tonight and would he be able to stay with the kids and he said yes. I asked if he had plans to see the kids at the weekend and he said he was waiting to speak to me. I need the garden sorting out and my S has a football tournament early on Saturday morning that DO doesn't want to go to so I told him he could stay at the house Friday and I would stay with a friend with DO (this isn't unusual so the kids will be fine). I am also out Saturday with DO and S doesn't want to come so I said he could stay Saturday as well and we would stay out again. I'm torn between needing the garden sorted and feeling like I'm letting him cake eat.

I really want to say to him that I'm not OK with carrying on as if nothings happened and pretending that everything is OK when it's not but does this go against DBing?

I am going to see my Mum on Sunday (2hrs away) as my Auntie is over from Canada but goes back next Tuesday so we need to se her. I told him he was welcome to join us and he said I think I need to see your Mum and Dad on my own. He said it might be a bit awkward so I just told him to think about it for the kids and he was welcome to join us.

This is so difficult I am literally worn out. My boss hasn't got back to me and I just feel so stressed with it all. I'm desperately trying to keep busy but then my mind wonders or I walk past a picture of us and it all comes flooding back.

[SJW]

MIL has just called to see how the kids are and tells me she spoke to H on Monday and he said I was OK with everything now and it was fine!! Is this what I should be letting him think? He also told her that he had been working all weekend which was a complete lie. She invited all of us on holiday not just him and the kids. Should I be talking to her and telling her the truth that I'm not OK and he's lying to her?

[SJW]

Tonight H thought I was at a function when I was actually at a friends close by because I couldn't see him, see earlier posts. Our nanny called me around 9 and asked if I had seen Instagram, I said no I don't have it. She then sent me screen shots of what he had put on (she doesn't know about our sitch). She said she was sorry but thought I should know as lots of our friends and family are on it. H had posted a pic of a cocktail drink and him and OW had proceeded to have a pretty open conversation for all to see. I know I have been told to ignore social media but I find this completely unacceptable when people who don't know find it necessary to make me aware that my H is having an A and he is blatantly flaunting it. I text him and said I needed to come home as I had been called into work early in the morning, his response was, Oh great so I have to drive back, thanks'. He then called and asked what was going on so I said I really needed to go to work in the morning so needed to come home. I said a friend would watch the kids if he wanted to go but he said they were his responsibility and he would wait for me to get back. I got back around 10.30 and he was a little sheepish and apologetic and asking me to call him to let him know what happens tomorrow. He's back in the afternoon so I said no need for me to call we can talk about it in the afternoon and it really wasn't his concern.

I want to say to him that we are not friends by his choice and this is not OK. That I will be civilised and keep him informed at all times about the kids and be friendly in front of them. I want to tell him what is going on in my life is nothing to do with him unless it affects the children and he can't have his cake and eat it as well. Is this OK?

[SJW]

I know I am obsessing but I genuinely only do that here as I need to do it somewhere. just reread the Instagram convo and actually H is being blatant but OW is being very evasive and trying to make out she wasn't there, won't want her H getting wind of it, lol. He is making a complete fool of himself and I need to get back on track stop wallowing in self pity and do more of what I was doing. H is telling her I'm OK with it now and all is good for them and she's panicking. I am a strong intelligent woman and I need to give myself a 2x4 and keep reminding myself of that! I keep posting advice to others and am not adhering to it myself!!

[OwnIt]

SJW,

You seem to be doing a lot of spinning and have a lot going on. Might I suggest that you read Andrew's thread. He was a mess in the beginning and he has become such a strong person. His writing is charming and his personality really shines through so that is an added bonus.

You have got to find a way to detach and stop the snooping (I am a reformed addict so I know whereof I speak).