I just read through your latest posts and felt such positive spirit from them! You're really doing so very well!
Congrats on being almost mortgage-free! That's a big achievement! I'm just starting on that path now, but I'm buying something cheap so I can pay it off quickly.
So nice to hear about your straightforward guy. It's so good to not play games or wonder about secrets.
Best of luck!
Thank you Painter. I've followed your story with interest, when you were on the other board as well. I know I didn't post much, but I was reading.
I can see now, looking back, the incredible stress I was under in living with someone who was basically lying for so many years - to me and to himself as well. And I can see how the stress impacted my mental and then physical wellbeing.
He was unable to deal with his feelings, not able to find a positive way of expressing them, so he just dug himself in deeper into his mess...alcohol and other women. I guess in the hope that I would do something about it.
But I didn't, of course. The boiling frog analogy I guess. And the thought that he could/would never do something like that.
Anyway, my own part? I guess the way I handled my own stressors, right at the beginning of the slide downhill (10 years ago now, and 3 years before his behaviour started becoming disrespectful towards me, in small ways). I thought I was doing the best I could, but what I was doing was also making him feel cut off from me.
I can barely type those words, because now I understand the consequences of that. And I guess I still feel responsible for the affairs, like I wasn't giving him enough to be happy together with me. But at the same time, I wouldn't trade the version of myself I am now for the version I was before. It's hard for me to type those words too, because what I had in my life before was what was most precious to me and what I most cherished. I guess I should have cherished myself more though. I don't know.
I'm taking two more pairs of jeans to the charity shop. They were from the start of all of this, but they're too big for me now. Even the 26 inch waist skinny jeans I bought a while into this whole thing are starting to look a bit looser now and not quite so skinny. I'm down to a 25 inch waist in jeans, which is the smallest I've ever been, even as a 20 something year old.
It's funny because I'm eating as much as I can and I'm also cooking totally new things from recipes online and in books...another 180 for me, as I used to make the same things all the time and it was STBXH who was the experimental one in the kitchen The other evening I made baked peaches with almonds and chantilly whipped cream. Oh my, those were delicious!
Other 180s, I've started wearing dresses, like those 1950s vintage type ones: fitted on top but with very full skirts. I wore one to one of my closest friend's wedding last year. That was more an evening one, in lace and with a big tulle underskirt. But now I also have a couple of plain cotton ones that are a bit more daytime appropriate, so I wore them to my work last week. I got so many compliments...it was lovely!
I'm really touched and overwhelmed by the way other people are reacting to the newer version of me. I've been on the receiving end of so much love and affection from pretty much everyone - even people who hadn't really warmed to me much in my previous life. I'm lucky to meet loads of people as I work in different areas/jobs, and I've felt this from pretty much everyone, even when they don't know what's happened or even if they're people I have met in the past couple of years.
I've also earned more money this year than probably ever before. End of August is the end of my business year, and I can tell it's been a good one for me. I'm still way below average earnings for this country, and would probably be classed as 'poor', but I haven't felt that way this past year. That's one thing I wanted to do for this year, earn more money, and I've done that...it feels amazing. So next year, I'm going to build on the success of this year and do the same.
Other news, I'm very happy with my new romance. I can feel it's different to how it was at twenty something, but that's OK. It couldn't be anything but different, considering I'm almost 20 years older and have been through a few things now. I (we) still both have a very playful, childish and lighthearted side to us, and it feels like we're both getting the chance to express that.
Sorry I'm not posting much on other's threads. I'm reading though.
