Who's fault is this again? Can I forgive her?

[bttrfly]

hi Bttrfly you shouldn't look at it as a struggle. Its more you are not ready yet.

I hope you're right, but the struggle is more that I have a tendency to shut down when I'm badly hurt, and I'm very conscious that I'm trending in that direction. So the struggle is that I now have to make a conscious decision to veer away from the cynical/bitter/shut down place and move back to the open hearted place that used to be automatic for me.

Some days are easier than others.

In my case I met someone off my network of friends and contacts. It just happened doing activities I liked.

Yes, I feel that's the best way to meet someone. I actually told my mom that recently. I'm not out there looking. For something to work I feel that it's someone I will meet in my everyday life just going about my business, and it will happen when it's supposed to. No online dating, etc. for me.

I also have the fear of XW waking up one day and making true contact. I last saw her face to face over a year ago now. we never had that talk for closure. never argued about the situation. It was just she left and we divorced. Monstering me to whomever would listen and when that failed she monstered the girls.

Oh my friend I know what you mean. I also think about that with my exh. In fact, I told him not long after BD that he was so angry with me, but that underneath all that anger he loved me very much and someday he would let all that anger go, realize how much he loved me and then where would we be? And then what would he do? His response was very interesting. We were walking and he stopped in mid step, turned to me and said after a few minutes of looking at me that I was probably absolutely right, but that he couldn't and wouldn't wait around for a year or two or three. He wanted to be single NOW and he wasn't interested in anything else. So yeah. I know that's coming at some point like I know my name ... which brings us to your next point:

as for the selke award. Hard to cross reference to aromatherapists :-)

I'm sure there is an aromatherapist nearby to me who has the same first name as a 4x selke winner ... I know that for a fact ... trust me and google

To circle back for a second tho' Irish: even though I know in my bones that my exh is going to have an epiphany at some point, I'd be crazy to base any part of my life on that timeline. So he will wake up. Ok. Then what? Is that going to negate all the pain and sorrow of the past two years? What about the devastation? How about the turning myself inside out for years before the BD? Feeling not good enough, like nothing I did was enough or right? I've recently seen photos of myself from when he said, "You'd be a real knockout if you could just lose the weight." Guess what? While I wasn't a size 4 or 6 in those photos like I was when we got married, I certainly wasn't the troll he made me feel like I was. In fact, I look d@mn good for a woman in her late 40s, which is what I was at the time. So my point is ... I think that while we have this fear of them waking up we cannot allow them to continue to control any aspect of our lives. They abdicated all rights to our lives when they bailed. I will deal with him when it happens and in the meantime I am just gonna live my life to the best of my ability.

I know I have a lot to give, it's going to take me a bit to be willing to share with someone other than my friends/family. As long as I keep the awareness upfront that my tendency is to shut down and push away after deep hurt I think I will be ok.

Sometimes I'm ok with the glacial pace and others I wish it was a little faster. Not too much, but a little bit wouldn't be so bad.
xoxoxo
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