Who's fault is this again? Can I forgive her?

[bttrfly]

Welcome back Irish! So happy your trip went well, despite the rain. I've thought about getting a GoPro, but I never go anywhere, so that might be a bit of a waste.

Good for you with your new chapter! I'm happy you're enjoying spending time with someone and she's giving you space with the girls, and that they also like her. This is all wonderful!

What do you mean, Kept it at bay? I ask because I think I'm doing something similar. Yeah, not giving my heart anytime soon at all. Nope. Not going there, lol. I know. None of our stories should have ended this way, or not ended but say, taken this turn. I think part of the appeal for me of my exbf is that he's someone I'd already given my heart to, so in a sense it would be easier to date him rather than someone new, despite or because of our history. It's a bit of a relief that he's not pursuing as I'm clearly not ready for that. I'm glad you don't have this issue and have found someone wonderful to share your life with. You deserve every happiness!

I"m so sorry about your exFIL. Poor man. I pray that he is able to be kept comfortable through this process.

Good to "see" you mon ami! Great update! xoxoxo

[job]

I am very glad that you and the girls had a great time away. At least the rain didn't curtail some of your activities.

I think you are very wise in how you are handling your next chapter. I know you will take things slowly and allow not only your girls to heal, but yourself as well.

I am also sorry how things are going for your exfil and pray that they can keep him comfortable.

I sense that your life's next chapter will be a very happy one for all of you.

[peacetoday]

I too am glad you found someone you feel comfortable with and allows for enough space for you to raise your girls..I have had a similar R for many years

I believe many of the LBS here do move on to better more available partners
Our kids seem to adjust and even despite all the craziness MLC brings on, they become wise young adults making positive choices

As time moves on, we fully let go of our M and Xs-our worlds seems a million miles apart and they most likely are

[rd500]

Hi Irish, holiday sounded good. Great memories for your family. The gf sounds good and i admire you keeping your focus on your girls and how a new R affects them. As always , nothing but admiration on how you handle yourself. Rd

[Irish M]

What do you mean, Kept it at bay? I ask because I think I'm doing something similar. Yeah, not giving my heart anytime soon at all. Nope. Not going there, lol.

Hi Bttrfly, xox.
it was meant that I didnt open my heart, or introduce the girls for the past few months. They know I hada frined I was hangin out with and doing activities. No status change on Fb lol.
Actually they were getting curious about her and her son. The introduction was calm, an outdoor activity and lunch. No holding hands or kissing or any contact. Just quality time with the kids. They enjoyed it.

It's how it will be for some time still. Until I am 100% comfortable. She can accept it or not. My girls are first. She actually thanked me because so many new relationships start and kids are casualties again, she had a rough separation and to her 11yr old son it is how it needs to be. We agree on the sensitivity of the kids.


Hi Job, Yes its sad for Xfil. I was out his way today and called their house. I was going to drop in but no answer. I only go out that way every couple of weeks. its 3 hours away.

Hi Peace. Yes I believe the kids adjust as well. I just want to take it extra slow. If its meant to be it all will work out. This way we spend time together, include the kids if they want to join us and I will also keep spending alone time with my girls. no pressure and no real change in their lives. They deserve that :-)

Hi Rd, thanks for the support. Yes monitoring them and their reaction is key. They need to want to open up to her and her son as I did. I believe they will since we all seem to like the same activities. They wont be waking up to her making breakfast any time soon.

hope you are all enjoying the sun. It is finally in my area for more than 3 days .. yayyy summer

[bttrfly]

Ah I see. The pace is slightly faster than glacial. Makes sense. Me, I think I'm struggling to be open and guarded at the same time. If that even makes sense . I'm Fighting against becoming one of those closed off people xoxoxo

[Irish M]

hi Bttrfly you shouldn't look at it as a struggle. Its more you are not ready yet.

In my case I met someone off my network of friends and contacts. It just happened doing activities I liked. Trust me i was reserved in the beginning and I still am. I also have the fear of XW waking up one day and making true contact. I last saw her face to face over a year ago now. we never had that talk for closure. never argued about the situation. It was just she left and we divorced. Monstering me to whomever would listen and when that failed she monstered the girls.

So slow pace is the only way.

You have a lot to give and you deserve so much in return.

as for the selke award. Hard to cross reference to aromatherapists :-)

[bttrfly]

hi Bttrfly you shouldn't look at it as a struggle. Its more you are not ready yet.

I hope you're right, but the struggle is more that I have a tendency to shut down when I'm badly hurt, and I'm very conscious that I'm trending in that direction. So the struggle is that I now have to make a conscious decision to veer away from the cynical/bitter/shut down place and move back to the open hearted place that used to be automatic for me.

Some days are easier than others.

In my case I met someone off my network of friends and contacts. It just happened doing activities I liked.

Yes, I feel that's the best way to meet someone. I actually told my mom that recently. I'm not out there looking. For something to work I feel that it's someone I will meet in my everyday life just going about my business, and it will happen when it's supposed to. No online dating, etc. for me.

I also have the fear of XW waking up one day and making true contact. I last saw her face to face over a year ago now. we never had that talk for closure. never argued about the situation. It was just she left and we divorced. Monstering me to whomever would listen and when that failed she monstered the girls.

Oh my friend I know what you mean. I also think about that with my exh. In fact, I told him not long after BD that he was so angry with me, but that underneath all that anger he loved me very much and someday he would let all that anger go, realize how much he loved me and then where would we be? And then what would he do? His response was very interesting. We were walking and he stopped in mid step, turned to me and said after a few minutes of looking at me that I was probably absolutely right, but that he couldn't and wouldn't wait around for a year or two or three. He wanted to be single NOW and he wasn't interested in anything else. So yeah. I know that's coming at some point like I know my name ... which brings us to your next point:

as for the selke award. Hard to cross reference to aromatherapists :-)

I'm sure there is an aromatherapist nearby to me who has the same first name as a 4x selke winner ... I know that for a fact ... trust me and google

To circle back for a second tho' Irish: even though I know in my bones that my exh is going to have an epiphany at some point, I'd be crazy to base any part of my life on that timeline. So he will wake up. Ok. Then what? Is that going to negate all the pain and sorrow of the past two years? What about the devastation? How about the turning myself inside out for years before the BD? Feeling not good enough, like nothing I did was enough or right? I've recently seen photos of myself from when he said, "You'd be a real knockout if you could just lose the weight." Guess what? While I wasn't a size 4 or 6 in those photos like I was when we got married, I certainly wasn't the troll he made me feel like I was. In fact, I look d@mn good for a woman in her late 40s, which is what I was at the time. So my point is ... I think that while we have this fear of them waking up we cannot allow them to continue to control any aspect of our lives. They abdicated all rights to our lives when they bailed. I will deal with him when it happens and in the meantime I am just gonna live my life to the best of my ability.

I know I have a lot to give, it's going to take me a bit to be willing to share with someone other than my friends/family. As long as I keep the awareness upfront that my tendency is to shut down and push away after deep hurt I think I will be ok.

Sometimes I'm ok with the glacial pace and others I wish it was a little faster. Not too much, but a little bit wouldn't be so bad.
xoxoxo
_______________________

[Ginger1]

Irish,

It sounds like you met a woman who is very respectful of what you and your girls have been through which must mean she really cares for you and is a woman of quality.

I do know in my heart your daughters want to see you happy and after the way they know their mother has treated you, they would love to see a woman treat you the way you deserve.

Dating after divorce is tricky. Especially with children. I would consider myself the luckiest woman in the world if I could find a guy who is patient and understanding of my situation. It would truly show how much I am meant to them.

Butterfly, I opened my heart to 2 men in 9 years. Not many people get in, but when they are in they are all the way in. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't that way, because when I get hurt, I hurt bad. But I am glad to know my ex did not take away my ability to love openly and freely because it's how I love.

When it's your time, you'll know it, try not to be too afraid.

[bttrfly]

thanks Ginger. I know it's not time yet, and I'm working hard on the fear part. xoxoxo