On Higher Ground

[Brubeck]

Hi HaWho,

I wanted to comment on your recent "calm" conversation with H. I don't have a great deal to add as job has summed things up wonderfully.

Both of our S's are live-in MLCers. You've been at it far longer than I have, and my W is in far worse shape than your H...so there are significant differences. Nonetheless, you can see the minute details of the train wreck unfolding on an almost daily basis in your home. You're searching for progress because you see so much little bits of wackiness.

What I heard from your summation of that conversation is that he remains in the tunnel and is leaving the heavy lifting up to you. He expects you to file or end the R by starting to see someone else. That he mentions moving out is possibly him projecting that he wants to. Obviously, he doesn't want to leave your kids - but he's in martyr mode, and will do so if properly pushed by you.

I don't want to mind read here, but since the conversation was "calm" he seems resigned to where he is. His MLC dorm room depression has become his new routine, and he feels safe there. You have done so much of the re-adjusting, why push himself any further, if at all? He's still stuck, and content to stay there. Perhaps he sees no need to change things. I agree that he's probably further along in the tunnel, but he's still fogged out enough to accept this craziness as his life.

You posted a while back on someone else's thread something I haven't forgotten; to the MLCer - EVERYTHING = PRESSURE. I see this all the time with my W. Perhaps your H wants to move out but can't bear the idea of the new responsibilities that accompany "freedom" and "independence". I don't know how dependent your H is on you to handle every day necessities.

Unrelated to your H's MLC, I have a question for you - how do you feel about your battle with depression? What do you NOW see as the pros and cons of that?