Flotsam, part II

[ciluzen]

Hey, FightOn!
If you look up REBT therapy, the ideas might help with your mom. You're on the right track...you are not responsible for anothers reaction or feelings. They are not responsible for yours, either. We need to own that. We just have to understand that dynamic and do our best to catch ourselves when we worry about our effect on others or start to react to some behavior of theirs that we might not like. Research it...it is very helpful!

As far as MLCer, I have some thoughts and questions.


"On the MLC front - things between H and I are deteriorating from a communication standpoint. There is none. No greetings (except see you later). No good mornings, no hello, how are you, etc. All the normal pleasantries one might expect from someone are gone. No questions. Nothing. I am mirroring that behavior. In other words, I won't initiate."

So, from my understanding, to "not initiate" is to not START contact. No texting, no calls, no random dropping by to say "hi". If you are forced into contact (kid exchange, L visits, etc) it is suggested that we are "light and breezy" or even friendly. Eye contact, smiles, pleasant and contented attitude...let them wonder why you're happy. That's not pursuing...that's LIVING, or at least acting "as if". To smile and say "hello" is simply polite, especially if you immediately go about your business or work on the task at hand.

"If I greet him, ask questions, etc., then I am just pursuing/chasing him. Is that right?"

Partially. If you smile and say "hello" or "good day" to a stranger you pass while walking in a park, are you pursuing? NO. You ARE BEING POLITE. They most likely will return the greeting and you both will have a warm feeling about the exchange...as you go on your way. They, and you, will see the exchange in a positive light and feel good about it. Other than that, it is meaningless. Not pursuing.
If you run into a neighbor, workmate, or old classmate that you have no feelings for, on the other hand, and you see each other and recognize each other but you ignore them...will you feel good about the lack of exchange? Probably not. Its considered socially rude to not acknowledge someone you know, even if you are "mirroring" their behavior. Now, you have no control over their actions, but you do have control over yours. When in doubt, for the sake of civility, take the higher ground. Smile and say "hi" just to acknowledge them.
That's why we are told to treat our NC partner in "forced contact situations" like a neighbor. You want them to see you happy or at least content regardless of their actions, unaffected by THEIR behavior. And if a comment is made, acknowledge it. If it is a compliment, thank them. If it is a complaint, validate (I'm sorry you feel that way). If they continue, its in your control. I've chosen to listen...my choice and I own that.

"I have come to expect it. I still feel sad about it. But that is on him right? This is his choice? I can't make him open up; he has to want to do that."

You feeling sad about it is actually on you, not him. He is responsible for his behavior; you are responsible for your response to that behavior. Part of that response is how you feel. What part are you sad about? How can you change that feeling? Think hard about the parts to that feeling, where it is actually coming from. Its not from him; its something coming from you. What are you saying to yourself about his behavior that makes you sad?

Also,

"I can't make him open up; he has to want to do that."

You're right. But you can carry yourself in such a way that he might eventually want to possibly do just that. Would you "open up" to someone who seemed angry, sad, and just as unhappy with life as you are in your head? That could hardly bother to speak to you while in your presence?
You had a relationship. It was there, but was altered. Be pleasant...it draws people to you. Be consistant..it builds trust (over time). Give him space (that's the NC and not pursuing)...it shows respect for his needs right now. Be confident...it builds trust as well as makes you seem more stable. Be the Lighthouse...you're showing him where the safe passage home lies. Be patient ...go live your life and let him work his problems out on his own. And be calm...for your sake and his.