Hi Sara, thanks for checking in. When I say that things spiral down, I mean it can go very quickly from bad to worse. It's hard to explain. It started to feel like all the work and progress that we have made just disappeared and we were back to many months ago. Maybe I had assumed that as we made progress, the setbacks would be lesser. Or have less of an impact. So there was disappointment that we had come so far--felt hopeful and connected--and then poof, it was gone. I think that demonstrates that we have not made enough progress.

I know that I cannot change the past. I know that. The thing is, no matter how much progress we make, this "ugly past" will always be a part of this M. I have thought a lot in the last month about how my life would look if we went our separate ways. It is still somewhat strange to make a decision to stay in a relationship based on logistics and not based on feelings/attraction/heart. That's a thing I may always grapple with. In terms of accepting the A, well that is something I believe I will have to accept and forgive H, in order to have the kind of M I want.

Right now things are okay. I am putting my focus on my own process. Last night I had this revelation: being squished in a crowd and realizing I didn't feel anxious, was awesome and liberating. Sometimes we don't know how much something affects us until we are out of it and look back on it. I have had some crippling anxiety and I didn't quite get it about myself! I just thought that was how I was--controlling or impatient. I am going to explore that now. I can think of so many times I felt overwhelmed, anxious, and irritable, and then I ended up snapping at H and the kids. I know that hurt them and pushed them away. I can see a correlation between my anxiety and impatience with them. I know before his A, he started to feel suffocated.

In terms of H, things are okay. We are going to get back into the Retrouvaille program. Heck, we need it! We both are not good at communicating our thoughts and feelings well. I think we have eroded a lot of safety and trust. I don't just mean right after BD, but in the last couple years too. We both can be mean. So we sort of go through the motions of daily life, but it's not very satisfying. Hopefully if we can finish the program, we can be in a better position. My priority now tho, is understanding myself better. I can blame him for things sure, but I can only empower myself by looking inwards.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela