For those of you in the U.S. - hope your Holiday was fun!
As for me, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I went out to dinner with my parents and my S on Saturday. While waiting for the food my S became fussy so my dad took him for a walk. I took the opportunity to talk with my mom. I asked her about whether she has told her friends about my impending divorce. She looked at me like I was crazy and she said "No. With a gay daughter and now a divorced daughter, are you kidding me? What will people think? They will think we have a crazy mixed up family." I didn't respond and changed the topic. **sigh**
I have been mulling this interaction over in my head. This is my mother in all her classic glory. My reaction has been one of hurt, shame, and disappointment. But why? Why do I care whether she tells anyone? What difference does it make? None. It doesn't change a single thing.
So where is the hurt, shame, and disappointment coming from? Is it coming from her? Am I picking up on her feelings (projection) and dealing with them? I feel like there is some of that in those feelings. But there is something more. What else?
I feel ashamed, hurt, and disappointed that I have let her down? Yes. Upset that things haven't worked out for me and H? Yes, there is some of that in there too. The old, I am responsible for HER feelings. This definitely goes back to childhood and my father always reminding me that if I didn't do this or that, then my mother wouldn't act badly (and therefore my mother's feelings and behavior were MY fault).
Am I making sense to anyone?
I need to find a way to step away from those feelings. I don't need them. They are not mine. I am not responsible for how she feels and how she behaves. Easier said than done for sure! If anyone has any suggestions or feedback on how to do this or anything I have written, I am all ears, please share your thoughts.
The problem I have with all of this is that I feel like because I am a part of the situation that is causing my mother distress, then I am responsible for causing her to feel the way she does.
I am at a loss as to how to sort all of this out.
On the MLC front - things between H and I are deteriorating from a communication standpoint. There is none. No greetings (except see you later). No good mornings, no hello, how are you, etc. All the normal pleasantries one might expect from someone are gone. No questions. Nothing. I am mirroring that behavior. In other words, I won't initiate.
I have come to expect it. I still feel sad about it. But that is on him right? This is his choice? I can't make him open up; he has to want to do that. If I greet him, ask questions, etc., then I am just pursuing/chasing him. Is that right?
What is frustrating is I feel like he either doesn't care, doesn't notice, or prefers this?
Even though my relationship with H isn't going in a direction I like; somehow through it all I feel like I am actually getting somewhere?
Am I? Can I get some feedback please? Validation if I am on the right track? A 2x4 if I am not so I can reevaluate.
