I have a success story, and it may seem small, but for me it felt huge. Last night after the fireworks show, we were walking a good mile or so in the dark and were literally squished in a large crowd of many 1000s of people. One of my kids was holding on to her sister's hood of her sweatshirt, as she didn't want to get lost. Dummies were drunk and bumping into each other and some even lighting off fireworks in the middle of the crowd! About half way to the car, a light bulb went off in my head. I didn't feel anxious at all!
Just a couple of years ago, this situation would caused my anxiety to be skyhigh; I would feel physically uneasy, restless, and nervous. I would feel edgy and snap at people, or I would most likely have a drink or 2 to feel relaxed. I can recall going to ball games with friends and not enjoying it because I felt trapped in the stadium or just walking to/from in the crowd made me feel physically sick. Even when I had dinner parties at my house--so many people and kids running around--caused me to feel stress and I often didn't enjoy myself and felt secretly annoyed.
Last night felt like an epiphany. To look up and see all of these people and know that everything was fine felt so liberating. I started to immediately think about why and what had changed. Something is different now. I feel an inner calm. I relished in this the rest of that long and uncomfortable walk. It was awesome.
I'll tell you what though, my H did come back. He has been back over 2 years and that is not why. I can say confidently that if we split tomorrow, it might be challenging, but I know I would be fine. I know it. I don't think I ever understood that before BD. We were completely codependent, we just couldn't see it because we were in it. I like the idea of us staying together, but I can also see benefits of us going separate ways.
I agree with Storm and AD. When you are freshly heartbroken, or even as the years go by and you don't allow yourself to take focus off of winning them back, the only success you can see would be in reconciliation. I truly do not believe that to be true. Success is individual enlightenment, confidence, strength, and happiness. I happen to think that these are the silver linings for all of us when we come out on the other side. BD pulls out the rug of life from under us and challenges us to the core.
No one could have told me this when I was in the middle of my sitch and after H left. There was nothing anyone could say to me that helped. My only focus was on if and when he was coming back. Now, several years later, I can say that my biggest success has been a result of my resiliency and overcoming trauma and all the growth that has resulted. Second to that I have my M and family together. That is great too.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
