Sandi2- Will u help educate me with NGS and WW's?

[15Stang]

Hi Sandi2,
I've been on this site for a few months and my story can be found here.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2744516&page=1

Sandi2, you seem to be someone who really understands what a lot of us LBH's are dealing with when our wives are WW. I have been trying to learn as much as I can about my short comings and what I can do to become a better man and husband. Whether it is for my XW or a new person. I've read your threads for LBH's and I see a lot of the WW traits in my XW. One thing that is referenced is the nice guy syndrome. I read the book early on in my sitch but I should probably read it again. I was reading through other threads and you posted this.

If I had to guess, you are nice guy who settled into married life and raising a family,........ and maybe, just a bit too easy going where your W was concerned. You found it easier to just go along with most of what she wanted, while you laid back and watched tv or occupied your time on the computer. As with most men, you felt your main responsibility was providing for your family......so after a day at the job, you could relax.

Over time, your W seemed to have become agitated with you.......but you weren't sure why. You couldn't put your finger on the problem, but your W seemed to hold some type of anger in her that stayed just below the surface. The more you tried to be laid back and easy going, the more irritated at you she could become.......even over very minor issues.

Does this sound anywhere close to your life? If so, then I suspect your W was slowly losing some respect for you over the years. It happens in many, many MR's. You see, a woman needs to feel admiration for their H. You guys like to be admired, right? There is something in a woman that is not talked about nearly enough. Her feelings of being in love with her H is tied to the level of respect she has for him. After the wedding and they settle down to real life, they are going to experience a lot of things, but most of it will be day-to-day small stuff. Strangely enough, how we handle the small stuff affects our intimate relationships. Often times, a woman can feel resentment about how her H handled something (or that he did nothing), but she tells herself it sounds too petty to make a big deal out of it. So, she pushes her feelings down and it turns into unresolved issues. After a few years of unresolved issues.......there is lot of resentment growing in her heart. Guess who is the target? Her H, of course. Eventually, it begins to tear away the respect she had for him. Although he may be a good guy and works hard for his family......her feelings for him have been affected by resentment and her respect for him as a man begins to drop. He may not fully realize this is going on in the heart of his W, b/c she does not talk in a way that is clear. She talks in codes, and therefore, he usually has no clue as to the real problem.

When resentment and disrespect has continued to grow, she will begin to rebel. At first, it may be in subtle ways, but if it goes unchecked......she can go into full rebellion. Her mindset and behavior are wayward. She rejects her H, the M, and their lifestyle. Whether secretly or openly, she begins acting out as if she is a completely different person. Her standards or moral conduct usually drop, and she engages in behavior she had never condoned in the past. Her selfishness is staggering, and it motivates everything she does. Everything is about her. She often forsakes old friends and makes new ones who enable her wayward lifestyle. The H, children, parents, etc., are left bewildered and asking what happened to the woman she used to be.

I have some questions for you as I hope you can help me understand some things. I'll post them in a second post on this new thread so it isn't one really long post.

[15Stang]

Sandi2,
(Some stuff about me and my previous marriage.)
I can see some NG tendancies in my personality. I enjoyed married life and enjoyed settling into the role of husband (provider and caretaker). I would classify my XW as high maintenance. Most of the time in the marriage I felt as if I didn't come first and that I was taken advantage of. I would tell my wife 'no' for a lot of things but they usually ended in an disagreement of how I was controlling. I truthfully struggle seeing myself as controlling. I am working on exploring this with my IC. When I look around my house, and most of my marriage, my wife usually got what she wanted that I could make happen. She would want granite countertops- I would say we really can't afford it without going into debt... but granite countertops are now in my kitchen. Usually I would find ways to give her what she asked for. The tough part is once she had it then it was on to the next 'thing'. She always wanted a bigger house than the house I (used to be we) now currently own. I didn't buy a different house because it never made sense financially. We do not have kids so I couldn't justify another $100,000 of house debt.
I don't really feel like I lost myself in the marriage. I still lead worship and play on the worship team. I have really close friendships that I would invest in before the affair. (The affair was with my best friend so that relationship was cut off). I enjoyed modding our motorcycles and sport cars. We did a lot of dinner dates with other couples and also went out to eat a lot with just the 2 of us. The last 4+ years we have had some tough health issues with our cats. (yes I know, they are just cats. My XW really loves her cats. I love them as well). We had a cat with renal failure for 4 years and a diabetic cat for 1 year. We did the best we could with both of them until their quality of life began to suffer. Caring for special need pets is quite draining frankly. The pets changed how we had to live. They affected travel and finances. The loss of them was hard on my wife. In my opinion my XW and I seemed really compatible and worked very well together. I do want to make it clear- I'm not perfect and I am not trying to bash my XW and how we related. I very much loved her and while there were things that really frustrated me she was worth the frustration. I still struggle with the 2 different people. The person she truly is (right now) and the person I thought she was. The majority of my thoughts of my XW are good and that she is a wonderful person. (enough about us/me)

My XW displays most (if not all) of the WW tendencies you write about. I can see the disrespect and resentment in her as I look back over our marriage. The sad part is I can see it back as far as year one of our marriage. IMHO the resentment started whenever we had a disagreement. Usually they were financial as we both married with quite a bit of debt. I think we each had 10,000-15,000 of credit card debt. She would want something but there wasn't any money as we had debt to pay.

I could use your help. When I read what you write about WW's for some reason my brain interprets the issue as being me... the NG. If I wouldn't have been a NG then my wife wouldn't lose respect for me and we wouldn't be in this situation. I struggle with this as I feel it lets my XW off the hook for her actions. In my brain it feels like this example- **My wife gains 10-15 pounds so therefore my attraction is less. I begin to resent her for the way she looks and then I act out with an affair.** I don't see how I could blame the weight gain as the reason I had an affair. My choices are my choices. A person should be allowed to gain weight. Sometimes it happens and it is not want the person wants.

Sandi2, can my thought process be seen with the example? I'm not looking for someone to say "no stang15, the problem is all your XW and you had nothing to do with it". I know this isn't true. What I want to learn is- How do I not repeat behavior that can lead to these situations? In my own sitch I sometimes think I could have been a perfect husband for my entire marriag and my wife would have still acted out. But I'm not that naive to believe I was a perfect husband and frankly I know I will never, ever be perfect. This is what leads me to think she would have acted out regardless. If I can't be perfect then we will have issues and she will handle them by resentment/bitterness/disrepect. How does this cycle not repeat itself with another woman. I just don't understand how being a NG seems to give license for wives to become WW.

Last thing- Sandi2, I value all of the information you have posted on this site. I am not trying to attack you or your thoughts so I hope my post is not coming across as conflict. When I read your posts I feel like you are talking about my sitch. Unfortunately I feel like I'm blinded and can't really see the truth about me. I could use some 2x4's.....

[15Stang]

I should have mentioned that anyone can give me 2x4's.... doesn't have to be only Sandi2.
I am here to grow so feel free to comment if you think you can help.