I tried to say it as nicely as possible and said shes always welcomed here as its still her home too but for now you aren't living here so id really appreciate it if you would respect my privacy and simply send a text or call before coming over for now.
Sounds like you handled that quite well. This needed to be done, basically you're putting her on notice that she no longer has full access to you or the house.
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I said I know you feel uncomfortable around me and dont trust me. i can see why cause I unknowingly lost track of meeting your most important need in the marriage and now that Im figuring it out its prob frustrating you even more wondering why it took this for me to understand it.And im sure you're not trusting my intentions as sincere. And because of this you built a wall to protect yourself from me. SoIm going to cont to work on my weaknesses so that you can eventually feel comfortable being yourself around me again.because I want to become the best person I can be for the future.
See above corrections. If you're going to share feelings with her, then make it about your journey of improvement, don't say you're doing it for her or for the R because to her (right now) it's "too little too late". Just acknowledge that you're taking what she has told you to heart and are working on yourself. I said something like that to my W and asked her for input, if there were other things I should work on. She offered nothing up. Looking back I think her attitude was "oh sure NOW he wants to be a better person, why should I help him now after years of trying to tell him what he needed to work on." Your W will probably see it that way too. I think it's OK to have that convo, but don't keep bringing it up. If SHE wants to share feelings well that's OK, but this isn't the time for you to open up.
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I know I need to put your feelings in front of mine and since I know how uncomfortable some of our talks have been for you Im not going to put that pressure on you anymore. This is on your time so when you feel comfortable talking about things it'll be your choice.
This is one of those things that you don't tell her you're going to do, you just do it. Put it into practice.
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She started crying when I said that and she said this is just so hard to go through, i tried to validate her feelings and said I understand how hard this is for you and im sorry youre feeling this way. I said I know that this isnt how she wanted our marriage to be. She cried for a few mins and I wanted so badly to just come through the phone and hug her.
Don't let the crying confuse you, it's just guilt coming through. It's not remorse. She still thinks she's doing the right thing and that she is justified.
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After her crying its like she snaps herself back into place of moving forward and said I hope we dont fight about money cause last time I asked you about the house you acted like you didnt want to talk about it (the house is only in my name and I bought it before we were married so she legally cant get anything for it) and I said I understand you feeling that way and If/When that time come we can talk about it then.
Just remember that there is a time for validation and a time for standing firm. When it comes to settling the D then put your business face on.
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So I told her how nice it was talkin to her and hopefully we can have more talks like that. she acknowledged it was nice too. (yet a mistake I know) i said it would be nice to jsut grab a drink sometime and talk
You were doing pretty well up to that point, but that's blatant pursuit. Don't go there!
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And now today because of that I want so badly to ask her to hang out but I know thats the worst thing I can do at this point.
When you can remove pressure from the WAS, often they do soften up a lot and will open up more and feel "safer" talking. DO NOT CONFUSE THIS with any interest in recon. On the contrary, she is only opening up more because she thinks there is no pressure to recon. If you start applying pressure again (asking her out to drinks or to come by to talk) then she WILL shut down again. So you really need to quit that.
