Here again part 9

[T384]

Hi Zues,

So hes not on the couch every night. He comes when he wants and the same nights every week Mon Tues Thurs he is gone not coming home. On the nights he comes here he doesnt show up until 8,9,10pm On the nights he doesnt come home he leaves work by 5pm. So thats why I belieeve hes just coming here to say hes here. Much like MC, he already said we went 3 times and it didnt work. Im done, the only way Ill go back is if its to discuss how to handle separating with the kids.

Hi Cadence, thanks as always for your words. I need to stop reacting and just ACT first.

Okay so here we go... going to lean heavily on ya'll to help me then.

I text H today just as a feeler letting him know he got a package. I haven't text'd him first since he moved out almost 3 weeks ago except the one text about the baby's dr appt.

Me: Hey, you got a package here today. S6 swears its for him haha
H: Oh ya, I'll get it tomorrow it's a tshirt I got for my boss (the female he is living with). I'll be staying at her house tonight. I am getting up early and working at another shop tomorrow morning.
Me: oh okay, my mom said she thought she saw you when she was leaving the grocery store (my mom lives right by where his bos s lives)
H: Ya that probably was me, I just got to her house. I'm building a crib for her (her other daughter is the one who's baby shower he went to) and then I have to be at the shop at 6AM for the other shop manager to let me in.

I don't plan on replying but PART of me wanted to be sarcastic and say how thoughtful of you, or you're such a nice guy to do that so her boyfriend doesn't have to. HENCE I don't believe for a second he's building a crib. This daughter doesn't even live with the mom, so he's going to build the crib at her house and transport it put together to the house she lives at? Really, I've had 3 kids and know how it goes. This is what he did last time - anything and everything for the boss family just to get in on the good side.

So is this an opportunity for me to say something like that or do I just not respond? I have this URGE for him to stop giving me these ridiculous stories. I'm sorry that all the women you're surrounding yourself with have been married and divorced many times and have 3+ children (the boss and her daughters) by all different fathers. I am an educated woman and am not as dumb as those that you surround yourself with.

I want to speak from a sense of power. A sense of H - I am not going to listen to your BS anymore.

But I need to do this as an action and not a reaction. So any help is appreciated. I thought about sending a text at some point this week, Hey H, keep an eye on your email, I am sending you a proposed schedule for the boys. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!

I am no longer going to in the schedule be asking him to stay the night. I will set up every other weekend he can take the boys. He can have them overnight if he has his OWN place or chooses to stay at my moms. If not I was thinking since hes paying the house I may leave and go stay the weekend away and he can stay here with the kids. During the week I was going to list 2-3 nights a week he could take the boys. I'm not sure how that will work. He won't want to take them overnight because he has work and doesn't want to drive back and forth but I think I should still offer it as part of the plan because that will be what a real schedule just may look like.

So anyone with any advice on how to start standing up, being less of a doormat, not putting up with his [censored], I'm all ears.

IF he put half as much effort into being a part of OUR family as he does the boss's family I wouldn't even be having this conversation in the first place. He is so concerned with EVERYONE else but us. He hasn't once asked about buying groceries, doesn't ask about the baby, NOTHING. Yet he can go to a baby shower, build cribs, etc... not that I necessarily believe that but he never once went to ONE of my baby showers.

[Zues126]

So hes not on the couch every night. He comes when he wants and the same nights every week Mon Tues Thurs he is gone not coming home. On the nights he comes here he doesnt show up until 8,9,10pm On the nights he doesnt come home he leaves work by 5pm. So thats why I belieeve hes just coming here to say hes here. Much like MC, he already said we went 3 times and it didnt work. Im done, the only way Ill go back is if its to discuss how to handle separating with the kids.

I stand corrected on the details. The point is that you continue to mindread.

I love cadence's and some of the others' advice about picturing WH wanting you to start something so he can validate his decision, and if that narrative helps you, great...but here's the thing- that's still more mind reading.

We don't know if WH wants you to snap at him so he can validate his own decision.
We don't know if he wants to make himself feel better about leaving.
These are all stories we are making up.

If they help you, then great. Use them for a bit. But it's very, very, very important to learn to recognize reality from your own personal narrative because your instrument panel is going to be reading haywire for a while.

So is this an opportunity for me to say something like that or do I just not respond? I have this URGE for him to stop giving me these ridiculous stories. I'm sorry that all the women you're surrounding yourself with have been married and divorced many times and have 3+ children (the boss and her daughters) by all different fathers. I am an educated woman and am not as dumb as those that you surround yourself with.

I want to speak from a sense of power. A sense of H - I am not going to listen to your BS anymore.

But I need to do this as an action and not a reaction. So any help is appreciated.

Instead of trying to change HIS behavior and not have him tell you things you don't believe, why don't you simply change YOUR behavior and not let it get to you? Seriously.

Call him a liar and there will be a grain of truth in what he's saying that allows him to make you look like the crazy paranoid one that's in the wrong.

Just let it go T0. It's not being a doormat. It's detaching. My XW says all kinds of things that I just shrug off. It took practice. But you can only control you.

[T384]

I'm working on letting it go....


My heart is still broken in a million pieces and I'm just trying to figure out how to stand up for myself when he lies.

I feel hopeless for any future R between us. He is showing me he doesn't give 2 shits about me. I had the boys call tonight I make a point not to get on the phone. He doesn't say goodnight or anything like he was 2 weeks ago.

I need to start believing him that this is it. I need to really let go. I am working at it. It will happen. I will throw in the towel.

I don't know why I keep looking at him as the man he was and keep having these expectations of him. I know I have to stop that. I don't know why it's so hard for me to separate that that is not who he is anymore. I miss my best friend. I miss the person I knew I could call and he would do anything for. The person that cared about me and how my day was. I wish I felt like I mattered. That I was appreciated for everything I do for our boys and our life so that he can come and go as he pleases. I feel so alone.

Oh well. Lots of working on me and letting these things go.

Thanks Zues

I forgot to say earlier I am sorry to hear about your son

[cadence]

My heart is still broken in a million pieces and I'm just trying to figure out how to stand up for myself when he lies.

You let it go. Aside from general human decency, he has no obligation to be truthful with you.

This is another trigger for you - feeling like someone is lying to you. What's that about? Does it make you think they think you're stupid? Because you're not. Hold your head up high and chuckle (and vent to us.)

Self-awareness, T0. "Okay, self. I think H is lying to me and it's making me so aggravated. What should I do? Act out? Fantasize about telling him off? Or just sit quietly with the discomfort and let it pass over me, because I am acting and not reacting? I control me. I control how I feel. I am not at his mercy."

I feel hopeless for any future R between us. He is showing me he doesn't give 2 shits about me. I had the boys call tonight I make a point not to get on the phone. He doesn't say goodnight or anything like he was 2 weeks ago.

Are you recognizing when you're starting to spiral by now? Because here you go. T0's mental catalogue of his actions and what they "mean".

That's a trap you fall into time and time again and it's time to look around, notice you're sinking, and pull yourself out.

What about this process is rewarding to you? The feeling like you're protecting yourself from hurt? That's just an illusion, T0. All you're doing is torturing yourself and taking yourself out of the moment. I'd like to see you living less in your head and more in the moment. Feeling the sun on your skin. Listening to your boys' laugh. Joy is still out there if you look for it, T0.

I don't know why I keep looking at him as the man he was and keep having these expectations of him. I know I have to stop that. I don't know why it's so hard for me to separate that that is not who he is anymore.

I think it may be that you're afraid to drop the rope and let it be.

What happens if you let go of this idea that if you just did or said the right thing, things would turn around quickly? Are there issues of self-worth in there? What happens if you focus on you and stop worrying about H's every move? Do you suddenly lose value as a human being?

H doesn't determine if you are worthy of love. You already are. What you're doing is handing your worth over to him, and that's not an attractive behavior. Human nature is that we don't like people who are so focused on us that they lose themselves. Especially if we have our own self-loathing to deal with (ahem, H), that actively lowers the value we assign them. Meaning. the value they add to our lives.

Get defiant, T0. Get mad. Why do you allow H this power? You have all of it if you'd only take it back from the struggling flawed (as we all are) man.

I miss my best friend. I miss the person I knew I could call and he would do anything for. The person that cared about me and how my day was.

These are natural feelings. I feel them, too. ((T0)) I know it's small consolation, but we care! We wonder how your day was. And another man will want to be there for you and find out about your day. Maybe it's H, or maybe it's someone different.

This is the end of a chapter in your life, not the end of your life. I hope you grow strong enough to start looking forward to seeing what's on the next page.

I wish I felt like I mattered.

You do matter, T0. Something to start thinking about - as a replacement for cataloging his every move - is where did this feeling come from? Is it specific to H or have you always felt that you had value only when you were in a relationship and a man loved you? If that's a belief you're carrying around, you're liable to settle for less than what you deserve. You're liable to be attracted to distant men who won't quiiiiiiite give you what you want, and you try to "fix" them.

This is an opportunity to work on yourself, T0. Any improvements that you make will mean significant improvements in your love life. But that's not the only reason to do them; you want to take care of yourself and value yourself and stop looking for someone else to do it for you. We come into this world alone and we leave it alone, T0. You have to be your biggest fan. I imagine you want your boys to have this sort of self-worth, so isn't it important to start modeling it for them?

What I'm saying doesn't mean you can't be hurt and you can't grieve. What I'm talking about are the pieces that seem unnecessary and very painful for you.

Is there a strong woman in your life that you look up to? Maybe she doesn't stick out, but there's someone who is calm, happy, and doesn't overreact when life throws a stumbling block in her path. I think it would be worth identifying someone, and starting to ask yourself what she would do in these situations.

Who in your life acknowledges negative emotions but doesn't let herself sink? Who has grace under pressure, and doesn't entertain the idea that she only has worth if she's with a man? A hint to finding her is that men find her very attractive, because they'd be drawn in by her confidence.

I'm trying to think of creative ways to help you get out of your own head, and I hope you're putting some thought into that, too, because you've got enough to deal with without putting yourself through more pain.

[T384]

Hi Cadence,

On my phone so this will be short. All great thinking points... I do not need H to value my worth. H was only my second 'serious relationship' we have been together since I was 18. Really all I know... I know I was spiraling last night. I posted here and moved on. Didn't react or do anything with those thoughts just had a sad moment posted it and moved on.

So I have confirmation of H and OW. It's the boss daughter. H said he was storming today = lie. He is out with her on his motorcycle.

I also checked the phone bill after this and he was texting while in our home this weekend.

So yes he's not committed to our M or making strides but the last we talked he just needed space so he could figure out why he feels this way and that we would figure things out. Him taking space didn't mean it was a bad thing he just needed some time to himself.

So what do I do? Train are you still around?

He thinks he's going to come this way and go to fireworks as a family. He didn't actually tell me this and we hadn't agreed on it I heard him tell the boys last night when I had them call to say goodnight

[T384]

Not somtorming lol - working

[T384]

Well I hope you guys will approve of this. I did call H this morning to see what plans were for tonight. He didn't answer and didn't call back. He text me a few hours later asking if we were on the boat.

M: I tried calling you this morning to figure out what the plans were but never heard back.
H: I never had a missed call
H: I'm on my way to the house now.
M: The boys are on the boat, I'm getting ready to leave.
H: That's okay ill still come spend the night and I;ll clean up around the house.
M: Don't worry about it staying the night, we won't be home until late. Thanks anyway, Happy 4th!

no response... I see he isn't going to stay at his boss' hes going to stay at a mutual friends tonight. I hope my interaction was okay. I am trying to enforce the boundary of you cannot be gone all day with OW and then come here for family time for a place to stay and have your needs met on the end of the family. I hope this is the right thing.

I didn't mention anything about what he did today or if he was at work, etc etc. Just leaving it be and letting it go, well trying to .

[T384]

oh and I did say.. you can come by tomorrow night, the boys have practice from 6-730 but other then that they will be here.

[cadence]

I guess I'm not understanding the logic of contacting him to find out whether his whims/social life having him acting as a father to the kids.

My impression - and I could be wrong - was that you remain upset about the lack of boundaries and his perceived cake-eating, but don't want to take any steps to set boundaries and end the cake-eating, so you texted him.

The text exchange was about trying to control his behavior rather than focusing on setting boundaries that work for you, demonstrating to him via your actions that you are creating distance and focusing on yourself, rather than him.

[AnotherStander]

Me: Hey, you got a package here today. S6 swears its for him haha
H: Oh ya, I'll get it tomorrow it's a tshirt I got for my boss (the female he is living with). I'll be staying at her house tonight. I am getting up early and working at another shop tomorrow morning.
Me: oh okay, my mom said she thought she saw you when she was leaving the grocery store (my mom lives right by where his bos s lives)

T- your interactions with H are sounding a little too chummy I think, given that he's actively engaging in an A. I would suggest being a little more business-like:

Me: Hey, you got a package here today. S6 swears its for him haha

H: Oh ya, I'll get it tomorrow it's a tshirt I got for my boss (the female he is living with). I'll be staying at her house tonight. I am getting up early and working at another shop tomorrow morning.

Me: oh okay, my mom said she thought she saw you when she was leaving the grocery store (my mom lives right by where his boss lives)

I don't plan on replying but PART of me wanted to be sarcastic and say how thoughtful of you, or you're such a nice guy to do that so her boyfriend doesn't have to. HENCE I don't believe for a second he's building a crib. This daughter doesn't even live with the mom, so he's going to build the crib at her house and transport it put together to the house she lives at?

So is this an opportunity for me to say something like that or do I just not respond?

Don't respond. You're still super-focused on H, it's time to back off and think about YOU.

I want to speak from a sense of power. A sense of H - I am not going to listen to your BS anymore.

SILENCE SPEAKS VOLUMES. Burn that into your mind :-) If you're done with his BS then there's no need for sarcasm, snippy remarks or nagging. Simply be quiet.

But I need to do this as an action and not a reaction. So any help is appreciated. I thought about sending a text at some point this week, Hey H, keep an eye on your email, I am sending you a proposed schedule for the boys. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!

Again, be business-like. And don't send a message that you are going to be sending him a message, LOL! Just do the schedule and send it to him, say something like "proposed schedule attached."

So anyone with any advice on how to start standing up, being less of a doormat, not putting up with his [censored], I'm all ears.

See above :-)

IF he put half as much effort into being a part of OUR family as he does the boss's family I wouldn't even be having this conversation in the first place. He is so concerned with EVERYONE else but us.

I think the jury is still out on whether he's MLC, but this type of behavior is very consistent with MLCers. It's the classic "my spouse has been stolen and replaced with an alien" scenario. You simply cannot expect your H to behave like he used to, he's checked out for the time being.