Hi Forbet, so sorry to read about your M problems. At this particular time in your stitch, I suggest you start living as if the two of you are physically separated. You need to GAL like there's no tomorrow. Your heart won't be in it, but it's an important action that works in positive ways.
Don't tell her what I am telling you. You just start living it. Living as if you are separated/divorced means you do not give your W details about GAL. Most women are curious and want details about what their H does, and most of all.......who was there with him or who he saw. Even a W who thinks she no longer wants him, finds it difficult to not ask wifey questions. However, she is setting you free, and she no longer wants to be your W.......so, she loses the right to gets answers to her nosy questions. Whenever she asks personal questions and you aren't sure how to answer, learn to just look at her with a tiny little smile creeping around your mouth, as if to say......"Really?".....and then shake your head just a little (as if amazed she has the audacity to ask) and move on to doing something else. Never act as if it makes you angry, and don't get sarcastic with her.
This may sound foolish, when comparing to the seriousness of your stitch. However, it can be affective when it hits her that she no longer has any control over what you do, when you do it, where you do it, how much you do it, or who you do it with. Let me be perfectly clear that you never lie to her! You just give vague answers to her questions. You know, much in how you would give a little old neighbor lady who was asking nosey questions, all while you are trying to get away from her.
As long as she can reach you by your cell phone (in case of an emergency), that's all that's necessary for her to know. This particular action has a two-fold purpose. First, of course, is to build up your self esteem and be around people who want to be with you.....and doing things you want to do. Every person who reports a healthy outcome, contributes most of it to getting a life that is not dependent on spouse/family. Secondly, it can be a real eye opener for your W. Not that it's going to redirect her decisions right away, but it can begin to plant a seed of doubt about her choices to leave the M.
I won't take up a lot of time explaining at the moment, but the one thing that most WW's have not honestly given much thought........is that her H may not be interested in sticking around to be her backup plan......especially when there has been a third party involved. She sees her H as always being there and remaining her "friend". Like you, many H's even use the phrase to tell their WW, "While you decide what you want"........which is basically saying you are acting as if you are available to be her backup plan. So, it's important that your actions relate to her that it's no longer about what she wants. From this point forward (until reconciliation) you are not waiting around to see what she decides. Remember, you don't voice this message, you live it.
Usually, the WW is not seeing herself being replaced in his heart/life. It actually makes some WW's angry that he seems so happy after the decision to split. There is a reason for it. She thinks her H will pine away for her, while she lives a lovely life without him. You see, her mind is filled with a fantasy, and therefore, she is not prepared for the reality of the consequences her decisions bring. One of those realities should be to see herself losing her H. This can be accomplished without him getting involved with another woman. She can lose your personal interest in being with her. That's the killer.
Currently, she views this picture with her being the one who dumped the H, so it's quite a shock to see that he is dumping her. To the logical minded person, this may sound immature. Nevertheless, that is an example of the wayward mindset. Therefore, don't say something poetic about always being there for her, or how she can call you anytime she has a problem, or that you will always love her no matter what she does, etc. It sounds sweet, but a WW does not need to hear these type of responses from her H. She is already self-centered and feels entitled. Don't help her take further advantage of you, and don't recuse her when reality goes knocking on her door. Reality is the wrecking ball that destroys her fantasy.
To be clear, I am not suggesting you run out and start dating. Don't intentionally try to make her jealous, b/c she'll see through it. No, I am only giving you a very brief explanation of how being a little mysterious and getting a life can affect her. The main thing is just to do it for the benefits you gain from it.
Since she wants a separation, I suggest you not participate in her family traditions/occasions. Don't celebrate her birthday or the wedding anniversary. Don't sweat over the little things. Ask yourself if you would do it years from now when both of you have new spouses and new in-laws. (Not that you will be M to someone else.......but just to use as a temporary guide in some of these day to day decisions). Although these actions may not be what your heart wants, and it may seem like anything but saving your M............these are actions that present a realistic picture of life after S/D. Your WW will take notice, and whenever the results do not benefit her......she won't like it. If you have the habit of pleasing your W (for whatever reason) you must break it. In a normal, loving, balanced relationship, it is natural to want to please the spouse. It becomes unbalanced when (1) the H basically stops having a voice, becomes passive, and all his decisions/actions are according to the desires of his W...................or, (2) when the W develops an entitled attitude and becomes demanding, moody, and manipulative.
The relationship talks must stop. You can't believe what she says, and she won't hear your words. However, she will watch everything you do. Most newcomers cannot understand how they can work out the marriage problems if they don't talk about it. Currently, nothing can be resolved in a conversation.........b/c the two of you are in different places. You cannot reason with insanity or a WW. The more you try to persuade her, the faster she'll run. Don't try to pull back on the rope you have tied to her. Just let it go.
I'm not pushing divorce, in case you wonder. I believe "timing" is important. She has to go through a process, and the harder you work to stop it......the longer it will take for her to go through it. The fastest way is to emotionally let her go. You don't have to tell her, b/c she'll sense it. Will it prevent her living with another man? Who knows! Some WW's have come to the board, begging for help b/c their betrayed H had left. As soon as the H discovered the A, he was out of there! No talk, no discussion, no waiting around.......he was gone. It immediately reversed everything. Her wayward mindset came to a halt, and she was pursuing him, b/c she realized what she really wanted. Human nature........it's a peculiar thing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
