LiM: One Year into Piecing

[LiM]

Matrix,

It means a lot to me that you went back all the way to my very first post to provide me with some feedback.

Stormchaser,

You and I have walked very similar paths at just about the same time so we are a good checks and balance system for each other.

Both of you gave me some great advice. I guess I just need to chill the F^$k out and stop acting like the damn sky is falling. The problem is that I don't trust her at all so ANYTHING that is out of place make me feel like she's only here out of some sense of obligation, doesn't really love me, is only willing to do the bare minimum to repair the R and is just waiting to cheat again. IF all that were true, then I want to move on. I'm not interested in being in a R where I only have a part of her heart. I want all of it or none of it.

I do realize that I have what pretty much everyone on this board is hoping for. Its what I wanted when I first came here and what I was working towards the whole time. What I do know today is that I love my W and I DO want the R to work. So why is it that most of the time I just feel like saying "F^$k it, I moving on."?

Lately, I feel so much anger and resentment. I don't like that. That's not who I am as a person. I know early on, there were LOTS to times where I was hurting and angry and I CHOSE to love her through those feelings. Even when I didn't want to, I made myself reach out to her and give affection when every bone in my body was telling me to run. I haven't been choosing to do that lately. Maybe its time to do that again.

We did talk last night and everything was fine. It was calm and we both discussed the argument from the other night. I got to tell her how it made me feel to read those texts and to know she didn't tell me about the coincidental run in with OM. We have MC on Thursday.

TxHubby gave me GREAT advice as I found my way through my W's A. I was saddened when he said he had filed for D but I'm happy to know that's on the back burner for now.