LiM: One Year into Piecing

[Stormchaser]

Hey LiM - glad you're back and sorry about the accident. I've been battling some health issues myself lately and coupled with what we're going through mentally, its not a happy recipe.

Dude, I'm gonna tell you something I said in MC one day: Our MC said one of the dumbest things I've ever heard concerning affairs, she said, "Things happen for a reason". My W agreed, but I cut her off and said, "Yes, things happen for a reason. The reason is you're stupid and you made stupid decisions".

LiM - we have a right to be angry. My new IC is in total agreement with this, he has ZERO tolerance for infidelity. Its like our spouses act like they backed the car into a fire hydrant and promise to be careful next time. As you read in my thread, my W sent a bikini pic to a former coworker without telling me and thought nothing of it. Was there sinister intent? No - she made a stupid decision. But we definitely have a right to be upset by it, and if it comes out in a argument, so be it. Their fault.

Our spouses will continue to do this. It doesn't mean they will screw around again, but they will do stupid stuff that they don't realize they're doing. If you see in my updated thread, my W revisited the place she quit to see her old friends (she had resigned immediately and barely had time to say goodbye). Was this a smart thing to do? Absolutely not. Pick up a phone, facebook them, whatever. Did she try to hide it? No. Did she tell me? No.

Stupid decision. Not earth shattering, given that she quit to be away from OM. Was she visiting OM? Likely not, but in OUR current state of heightened awareness, we can never be sure.

Its ok to lose your temper. Compared to the early days, I think we're doing much better and need to cut ourselves some slack. We didn't snap our fingers overnight and become changed people, LiM. We're trying to undo YEARS of habits in a short period of time. 10 steps forward and one back does NOT mean you're slipping backwards.

"I don't know if either of us has what it takes"

And that's ok. Feel that feeling and see where it takes you. You've come a long way, has there been more good than bad? If so, then stick with it and continue to make improvements. If things have not been so good, then roll up the sleeves and talk more in IC and MC about where you guys want to go. It just may be a long term reconciliation.

I still wake up sometimes, thinking about it like it was yesterday, and it was about 1 year 4 months ago. Those days are becoming less and less. Do I throw away that progress or see where it takes me? I think of the positive strides we've made and I decided I'll give it another couple of months. Then gauge from there. See how I feel at the 2 year mark. If I decide then that maybe this isn't for me, I'm ok with that. I will not look back on those two years as wasted, I will see the improvement I've made personally and see where life takes me from there.

Look at Txhubby's posts. He tried for 2 long hard years, then decided he wanted a divorce. He filed. Realized it probably wasn't working. Then he gave it some thought and decided to shelve the D and continue on reconciliation. His posts are full of wisdom and experience, I'd advise you to give them a read.

Tell us how your talk went.

S