My heart is still broken in a million pieces and I'm just trying to figure out how to stand up for myself when he lies.
You let it go. Aside from general human decency, he has no obligation to be truthful with you.
This is another trigger for you - feeling like someone is lying to you. What's that about? Does it make you think they think you're stupid? Because you're not. Hold your head up high and chuckle (and vent to us.)
Self-awareness, T0. "Okay, self. I think H is lying to me and it's making me so aggravated. What should I do? Act out? Fantasize about telling him off? Or just sit quietly with the discomfort and let it pass over me, because I am acting and not reacting? I control me. I control how I feel. I am not at his mercy."
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I feel hopeless for any future R between us. He is showing me he doesn't give 2 shits about me. I had the boys call tonight I make a point not to get on the phone. He doesn't say goodnight or anything like he was 2 weeks ago.
Are you recognizing when you're starting to spiral by now? Because here you go. T0's mental catalogue of his actions and what they "mean".
That's a trap you fall into time and time again and it's time to look around, notice you're sinking, and pull yourself out.
What about this process is rewarding to you? The feeling like you're protecting yourself from hurt? That's just an illusion, T0. All you're doing is torturing yourself and taking yourself out of the moment. I'd like to see you living less in your head and more in the moment. Feeling the sun on your skin. Listening to your boys' laugh. Joy is still out there if you look for it, T0.
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I don't know why I keep looking at him as the man he was and keep having these expectations of him. I know I have to stop that. I don't know why it's so hard for me to separate that that is not who he is anymore.
I think it may be that you're afraid to drop the rope and let it be.
What happens if you let go of this idea that if you just did or said the right thing, things would turn around quickly? Are there issues of self-worth in there? What happens if you focus on you and stop worrying about H's every move? Do you suddenly lose value as a human being?
H doesn't determine if you are worthy of love. You already are. What you're doing is handing your worth over to him, and that's not an attractive behavior. Human nature is that we don't like people who are so focused on us that they lose themselves. Especially if we have our own self-loathing to deal with (ahem, H), that actively lowers the value we assign them. Meaning. the value they add to our lives.
Get defiant, T0. Get mad. Why do you allow H this power? You have all of it if you'd only take it back from the struggling flawed (as we all are) man.
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I miss my best friend. I miss the person I knew I could call and he would do anything for. The person that cared about me and how my day was.
These are natural feelings. I feel them, too. ((T0)) I know it's small consolation, but we care! We wonder how your day was. And another man will want to be there for you and find out about your day. Maybe it's H, or maybe it's someone different.
This is the end of a chapter in your life, not the end of your life. I hope you grow strong enough to start looking forward to seeing what's on the next page.
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I wish I felt like I mattered.
You do matter, T0. Something to start thinking about - as a replacement for cataloging his every move - is where did this feeling come from? Is it specific to H or have you always felt that you had value only when you were in a relationship and a man loved you? If that's a belief you're carrying around, you're liable to settle for less than what you deserve. You're liable to be attracted to distant men who won't quiiiiiiite give you what you want, and you try to "fix" them.
This is an opportunity to work on yourself, T0. Any improvements that you make will mean significant improvements in your love life. But that's not the only reason to do them; you want to take care of yourself and value yourself and stop looking for someone else to do it for you. We come into this world alone and we leave it alone, T0. You have to be your biggest fan. I imagine you want your boys to have this sort of self-worth, so isn't it important to start modeling it for them?
What I'm saying doesn't mean you can't be hurt and you can't grieve. What I'm talking about are the pieces that seem unnecessary and very painful for you.
Is there a strong woman in your life that you look up to? Maybe she doesn't stick out, but there's someone who is calm, happy, and doesn't overreact when life throws a stumbling block in her path. I think it would be worth identifying someone, and starting to ask yourself what she would do in these situations.
Who in your life acknowledges negative emotions but doesn't let herself sink? Who has grace under pressure, and doesn't entertain the idea that she only has worth if she's with a man? A hint to finding her is that men find her very attractive, because they'd be drawn in by her confidence.
I'm trying to think of creative ways to help you get out of your own head, and I hope you're putting some thought into that, too, because you've got enough to deal with without putting yourself through more pain.
