LiM: One Year into Piecing

[Matrix]

LiM,

A line from your first post on this board:

"Then 3 hours later, I received information that confirmed she was actively having an affair. I had managed to stop doing all the things on the list except the spying. And now I can't undo that. I am paralyzed and devastated. I don't know what to do"

Then this:

"I don't know if either of us has what it takes"

You DO have what it takes. You have walked through hell and back. You are here, with your wife by your side. Do you know how many people on this board would give their right arm to be where you are now? Just to even have a remote chance?

Take solace and rejoice in what you have, TODAY. You can do this. Go back and read your early posts. Remember that feeling?

I know piecing is usually the hardest part of this process. I have been there and it was awful, but you can do this.

If your "gut" tells you about what you "think" her feelings were, then that would be more mind-reading and you can't go there. Let some time pass and collect your thoughts. If you really need to know, then calmly set aside some time and tell her it is bothering you. Don't accuse her of anything. Just tell her how you are feeling and listen to what she says. Even if she admits that she had some feelings about it, that is fine. Then at least you know she is being honest and take comfort in that. If she says that she had no feelings about it at all, then you have no choice but to believe her.

Piecing is about rebuilding trust. You need to trust what she tells you. There is no way around this. You can trust but verify in most cases, but when it comes to questions about how she was "feeling", you have to trust what she tells you.

When you feel like you want to give up or you think it is too hard, that is the exact moment that you need to dig in and work even harder. In those tough moments, you need to love her through it. Try not to punish her. When you feel like you want to scream at her and ring her neck, don't. Walk across the room, hug her and tell her that you love her. Kiss her on the forehead and walk away.

Godspeed during this process.