Thanks for the wonderful advice. Especially with the trashySpringer Show analogy. Definitely going to use that when thinking about W texting OM. Not only is it trashy, but its sad as well watching W send out a dozen text, just to get a single response from OM. Now thinking about it the whole thing is just sad seeing W reduced to being the OW. Other than sex, not really sure how she benefits from the A. But that's not my problem.
As for stepping up GAL. I have an event Friday night to attend. And Saturday morning a nice long 4 hour hike with a group. Out of town this week, so I'll have several things to work on at the house this weekend to keep me busy. And will probably get a membership at Planet Fitness. I have a weight bench at the house, but I can actually interact with people at an actual gym. Thanks for the motivation.
The basic break down is been married to W for 14 years and together 17 years. The marriage the last 2 years had become complacent much like most long term marriages. My W went on a cruise the week before Thanksgiving 2016 with her sister and her sisters family. I stayed home with our S13, allowing them to have a so called "sister trip". Needless to say two days into this 4 day trip my W cheated on me with one of her sisters cousins. A man who just happens to be married with 3 children of his own. The remainder of the trip the two kept sneaking around and having sex. Afterwards my W returned back home to TN, while this married man returned to his own family VA. From the moment my wife returned home her behavior had totally changed. Initially I thought nothing of it. But over the next few days, it seemed that she would go out of her way to start arguments with me.
It took another week for me to start to notice that she would be up late at night texting and messaging. Not to mention in the evenings, I would walk into the room while she on the phone. And suddenly she would getup and completely move. Even when talking to mutual friends of ours who apparently she had confessed the cheating on the cruise to. After becoming curious, I found a message on her phone to the AP in question. The message pretty much was her telling him that she had zero regrets about what happened between the two of them. And that she intended to leave this marriage. Regardless if he was still married, she still wanted to [censored] with him, but not at the moment due me becoming more and more curious. Instead of yelling and waking her up. I went through the phone and took pictures of as many text as I could for proof of infidelity.
The next night I confronted her after giving myself time to calm down. And she admitted to cheating on me. W said that who it was with and when wasn't important and wanted a Big D. At the moment she had no clue that I knew who it was already, so I kept that information to myself. Over the next 48 hours, I went through a series of emotions that goes against the 37 rules, which I wish I had known about back in December.
The AP had plans to sneak into town on December 4, but apparently backed out and called off the affair after my W told him that it was to risky. After getting hold of his phone number, I called him telling him to no longer contact my wife or I would make contact with his. He agreed and we left the conversation with that. Three days later, I discover that my W is messaging the AP again. So I decide to contact his W on December 8. Apparently this man is "Serial Cheater" according to his wife who has a habit of sleeping with married women. These women eventually leave their H to be with him, but he never leaves his own W or tends to always return back to her. His W confronts him with some of the evidence I shared with her about the PT. And on December 11 AP calls threatening me about telling his W. I hang up on him initially a couple of times telling him I won't talk with him until he calms down. During this period AP contacts my W telling her that I know his identity and everything else. Fast forward past his yelling AP and myself come to an agreement that he would not contact my W and I wouldn't contact his. AP then told my W not to contact him in any way.
Life was a little rough over the next month and half, W still wanted a Big D. But we were actually starting to become friendly. Also during this time we still have an active SL. But in February AP contacted my W apparently to see how she was doing and to say that things were back on track in his marriage. From what my W tells me they agreed to be friends and have been contacting each other secretly. They act as if its innocent, but I have seen messages of flirting and my W sending sex poetry she has written about him. By this time, I discover the DB site and decide to handle things a bit differently. I had already decided to GAL on my own back in early February, so I was already on the right track in regards to that.
Not sure if it was a mistake or not, but I informed AP W that our spouses were back in contact with each other last week. Told her not to say anything about me telling her. Later that evening, I found out that my W and AP were no longer friends on FB or IG. My W was acting a bit bothered that evening. My guess is that my W is figuring out that when it comes to her AP choosing between her and his W. His W wins every time, while my W is willing to lose everything for "Serial Cheater". Things have been going well, but W still wants a Big D. Part of the issues in our marriage was neglect on both our parts. So the advice to stay away in my opinion would just be the same as usual in her mind. Giving her space has worked, because now she goes out of her way to seek me out. But if I want to show her that I have changed. I seriously need to find away to be more affectionate. There is no issues with her wanting to have sex with me several times a week, but if I want to avoid a Big D, there has to
Thanks for the wonderful advice. Especially with the trashySpringer Show analogy. Definitely going to use that when thinking about W texting OM. Not only is it trashy, but its sad as well watching W send out a dozen text, just to get a single response from OM. Now thinking about it the whole thing is just sad seeing W reduced to being the OW. Other than sex, not really sure how she benefits from the A. But that's not my problem.
As for stepping up GAL. I have an event Friday night to attend. And Saturday morning a nice long 4 hour hike with a group. Out of town this week, so I'll have several things to work on at the house this weekend to keep me busy. And will probably get a membership at Planet Fitness. I have a weight bench at the house, but I can actually interact with people at an actual gym. Thanks for the motivation.
These are good things. This will save you. It may or may not save your marriage but it'll definitely save you and that's the top priority.
You're welcome on the Springer analogy. That worked wonders for me. I used to be crushed when I know she was on her phone or tablet and texting people that I knew were men. One day I was flipping channels and came across Springer and it had cheating spouses, men and women, and I saw the similarities. At that point I realized my WW was a trashy Jerry Springer-type cheater. I started to laugh at her shenanigans instead of letting them get to me. "How pathetic, look what you've become" was my general thought toward her, even though I didn't say that.
They've made a joke of themselves and jokes are funny. Now that you think of it that way watch how your attitude toward it changes. You're too good to be pulled into being a guest on the Springer show. Don't allow yourself to be.
Feeling real good this weekend so far. Went out to a private event last night where it seemed like everyone there was making some kind if major move in the city. Came around midnight aand W had questions. Definitely wanted to know why she wasn't invited. Didn't feel like telling her that perhaps she wasn't important enough for invite, so I stepped off into the bathroom.
This morning while trying to work on the computer that she had been looking at OM FB page. All I could do was laugh, thinking that this was really Jerry Springer level dysfunction. Chasing after a man who isn't even around. From there I went on a nice 6 mile hike with some folks. The trail and view was amazing. And other than finding one tick, I loved it.
Now the bad news is that S13 is spending the night at a friend's house. So that leaves me and W alone at the house. She already mentioned something about wanting to see a movie. Knowing her that will include getting drinks. Not sure if I want to entertain her or find something else to get into.
Starting to realize that several of my GAL activities are things that my W would never even try. In some ways it seems that we are going in different directions.
It's interesting how the mind of WS works. They're out there doing dirt, but yet claim to be the cordial one in the MR when you bring when they are causing the chaos. Apparently my W didn't like me telling her not to be so judgemental to her younger brother. Even though she constantly addresses whatever issue I have with my siblings. Somehow that conversation led to her and OM being back in contact. I get accused of always bringing the conversation back to him. Even though she leads the conversation or does things to bring him up. But she'll never admit to that fact.
Claims to not have been in contact with him in months. But I know for a fact that is a lie. Still I kept that bit of information to myself. W acted surprised when I said that she acts different when he's in the picture. Which is a huge reason I prefer them to have no contact with each other. Suddenly her mood towards me changes as if she has to show loyalty to him. The good news is that tomorrow night, she's be leaving out of state with until Tuesday night with S13, her sister and mother. Which will leave me to myself to GAL and be free from her presence.
I feel like a prisoner in my own freaking home, tip toeing around a WW as she disrespects me. And talks bad about my family. But yet she runs around with her abusive mother, defending her, knowing that a lot of her issues stem from childhood abuse from that woman. The woman my W was is clearly gone. If she comes back before a BD is final, then we'll see what happens. But at the moment, I don't see a person worth fighting for anymore. So its back to trying to detach. First two and half days were going so well.
Don't tiptoe. Plan YOUR life and live it. Disregard that other person in the house. Be cordial like you would with a neighbor you don't know very well.
Thanks for the encouragement. W is out of town until tomorrow night and I have already put myself in the mindset to get back on track. Did some working out earlier and then went to get a pedicure. Can't have my feet looking bad, while I continue to lose this weight...LOL Oh by the way seen a picture of OM on FB(Oddly I happen to be friends with a few members of his family). Dude is seriously putting on a lot of weight and looking not too good. All I could is laugh at the irony of this guy looking bad, while I continue to look better than I have in years. There really is something to working on yourself.
Thanks for the encouragement. W is out of town until tomorrow night and I have already put myself in the mindset to get back on track. Did some working out earlier and then went to get a pedicure. Can't have my feet looking bad, while I continue to lose this weight...LOL Oh by the way seen a picture of OM on FB(Oddly I happen to be friends with a few members of his family). Dude is seriously putting on a lot of weight and looking not too good. All I could is laugh at the irony of this guy looking bad, while I continue to look better than I have in years. There really is something to working on yourself.
Good stuff. Stay the course and keep your eyes on the prize. Keep discipline of your thoughts. Alone at quiet times are when the "demons" of all this stuff going on will try to creep in. Self-doubt, sorrow, despair, etc. I know you already know that. You have to recognize when that's happening and refocus your thoughts right away. Don't allow yourself to get stuck in that mode. You're doing great. Continue to do that. Come back and re-read these posts if you're not feeling good. Take comfort in knowing you're doing everything you can possibly do right now to build a better you and possibly get your M back on track. ALSO, take comfort in knowing that building a better you means you'll be just fine no matter how the M comes out. Stay the course!
Sandi and anyone who may have experience with such,
My question is in regards to handle a WW, especially in my current sitch. W has retained a lawyer, but has yet to file BD papers. We're currently working on the parenting plan. Thanks ahead of time for the responses.
1. How to handle WW when she crosses a boundary?
2. What are the examples of losses that could possibly shake a WW out of the fantasy fog?
3. Best way of detaching that would catch the attention and GAL of a WW? Some of the things I'm doing are interesting to W, but she would never want to participate in.
4. How to be tough and a non-nice guy without coming off as your old self?
This is like an irresistible divorce busting quiz. These are my answers:
1. You say to the spouse, "Oops, I accidently changed all of the locks on the house and forgot to give you a key.
2. Fantasy fog can only be cleared by a special pixie dust or a huge leap in personal growth that usually follows the realization of a great loss. An example would be the loss of everything the person holds dear (and that may not be enough).
3. GAL for yourself, not your wife. The end result should be that you're having a ton of fun and moving on with your life.
