ILYBINILWY - OW - what to do next 2

[SJW]

He's gone and I think I did pretty well. He was asking lots of questions about my job etc which I answered friendly enough without giving too much up. He kept commenting on how much I had done in the house and what a great weekend the kids had said they had. He said I didn't ring for obvious reasons I said it was fine. He kept asking me if I was Ok and I kept saying yes fine, he was like I still care and I said I know but don't worry he said he was worried, I actually wanted to punch him in the face but I smiled instead, lol.

He asked again about going on holiday in August and said that his Mum had asked him if he wanted to take the kids away with them as they are going on a big family holiday. I told him that as I said last week August is a long time off and we have a lot more to do before then.

He then said could he come back on Friday and stay the weekend as it was cricket practice Friday night and football tournament on Saturday. I told him he could come back but couldn't stay I the house. He wasn't happy but said OK. I then asked him if he wouldn't mind leaving as he had a long drive and I had things to do.

I actually feel OK. Not great, but not heavy hearted or tearful or disappointed a kind of good side of OK. My first successful day of DBing I think. Man this is going to be an uphill battle, however I made it about me not him and really tried not to be drawn in. Thank the Lord for this place :-)

[SJW]

I keep going over and over last nights conversation and if I got it right? Should I let him stay at the house at the weekend for the kids and so he can get the garden done rather than driving 140 mile round trip? Why did his Mum ask him to go on holiday with them and our kids yet hasn't spoken to me?

He said he would let me know when he got back last night and didn't. I received an email saying that cricket practice had been moved to Thursday from Friday so text him asking if he got back OK and if he had received the email. He replied to say that he had an awful journey which was why he didn't text as he thought I would be asleep and he had seen the email but it was probably too much to come back Wednesday for football and Thursday for cricket so which was better for me. I said I didn't mind and he hasn't replied. Is he still planning on coming at the weekend, do I ask him? I already know the answer is no wait for him to make the next contact but I just want to scream at him to stop this nonsense with OW and come stay at home. I don't mean tell him to work on M but to just be at home and be a Daddy for now. Yes I know that's stupid but I just need to write it down to try and get it out of my head.

[SJW]

He also kept saying to me last night 'you don't tell me anything anymore I have to ask'. This is true but I have always talked a lot about what's going on in my life and in general so I am doing the opposite which I thought was right DBing. I told him can ask me anything he wants to know. I am not withholding anything about the kids I told him everything about what they had been up to as normal. It does make me sick to the stomach though that he had no interest in them at the weekend when he was in Lala land with OW yet he gets back and she goes back to her H and then he wants to know everything!

He said you can still talk to me you know. I said I didn't need to but if he wanted to know then ask. Did I get it as right as I thought I had last night. Why do I feel so deflated this morning?

[Parkema]

Morning SJ,

Being deflated I'm afraid is something we have to get used to , these people are on a rollercoaster ride and in turn affects us the same way. When they are suffering they come back to their BS for support and we feel "this is good" then when things are going well with the two lovebirds we're dropped like the proverbial hot stone this is where the deflation for me comes from.

I feel the detaching is working ever so slightly, I agree we must continue to have dialog BUT only those that involve logistics and our children or in an emergency situation. Me personally NOT having any contact has aided me in finding peace which in turn allows me to better focus on my strategies for trying to get my M back.

I'm more focused on my boys and myself and don't give the time of day to thinking about what my WW is doing. Allowing your H to come back at the weekend for me would be under one condition and I think you know what that would be... Cake eating gets us nowhere.

Continue to be strong your doing well.

Take care.
Mark.

[SJW]

Hi Mark

Thanks for popping over :-)

What would the condition be? He stops seeing OW?

SJ

[Parkema]

Hi SJ,

Bang on. Enabling him to pick and choose when to be a good H and then to be a WS will do you or anybody no good unless you want an open M and I'm sure you don't.

I can understand you wanting him there for the kids BUT IMHO feel the confusion will be ramped up again for them. Stability for me is vital for my two boys after all the upheaval their mum is forcing on them I need to show them somewhere they can escape from the madness. Don't get me wrong they love their mum and want to spend time with her but seeing both of us together at this moment in time would just hinder their "progress".

I won't come on here and dictate to you what you should do as every situation is different and you know best but for me personally I wouldn't do it UNLESS the above condition is met and he is ready to reconcile the M.

Don't back down now you're doing good.

Mark.

[SJW]

Thanks Mark

I know you're right but it's not something I will put to him as I know what the answer will be and I don't want to hear it.

The kids don't know yet and they're used to him being away with him being in the army it's only been just over a year that he has been able to get home during the week before that it was just weekends if he wasn't working. That said I feel it may make things easier if the kids do know?

I've just been reading your thread form the beginning you had a proper BD didn't you not dissimilar to me. I couldn't work out however at what point you told your kids? Did she tell them or you or together and did she/you tell them it was because of OM?

SJ

[lcause]

I'm so sorry you had to come back to this board SJ. Also thank you for commenting in my thread. I forgot to reply it and of course support is always welcome

You sound like a strong woman and a good mother. You seriously deserve something better in your life. Hopefully your husband realizes this as well. Just keep making it hard for him. I agree with Mark entirely.

[Parkema]

Hi SJ,

This was tough I won't lie. It basically came to a head due to the fact that "mummy was at the casino" a lot and left a massive void at home, in fact she was out seeing the AP/LO at the time this was just smoke & mirrors. I was asked "why's mummy not here any more?" As you can imagine this broke my heart, from this point I went to her and said we're going to sit down with S10 and S7 and discuss what is happening in their lives and why.

Cut a long story short she basically gas lighted all three of us and said that she "fell out of love with daddy", nothing was mentioned about her boyfriend and I took it upon myself to slowly phase this part in. I felt this went as well has I could have hoped but don't get me wrong they are affected. I suggest you do some research on how best approach this as the subject and how you handle it has to be right.

Looking at your post I feel you don't want to give the ultimatum as you feel he'll probably choose the AP/LO. Well can you stop that anyway..? At least the line in the sand will be drawn and you'll know where you'll stand, we can't control them they'll do whatever they want you need to protect you and the kids...

Putting this to him is making a stand, he needs to understand what he's doing has consequences and you won't put up with it unless he's willing to work on the M.

Again I'm not going to say what's right or wrong I can understand how hard this whole episode is for you just think what this course of action looks like in a months time? Will he still be getting the best of both worlds...

Again take care.

Mark.

[SJW]

I already gave him the ultimatum more than once. The last time was not Sunday just gone the one before when he asked if he could come home and I told him as long as he was going to continue on this path he could not come home. I said are you going to continue on this path and he said I'm not going to stop seeing her so I said you can't come home then.

Really, really bad day today. Michelle says in one of her books that you will have days where you just want to spend the day in bed with the duvet over your head and that's been me today, literally not moved off the sofa. I had to leave the house to come to my friends as the kids would be getting home from school and I just couldn't face them. They don't expect me to be there so they'll be fine. I have been fighting back tears all day, why I have no idea. Had my redundancy letter from work this morning and it's so unfair after everything I've done. I'm worried about the house and money now and just feel swamped with it all. And the alien is in happy happy blissful Lala land.