H watched me do everything then came out to say goodbye to the boys and walked back in the house without uttering a word to me, I just said as he was walking in Bye H.
Ugh. I know this feeling. Mine, before I moved out, could only say a robotic "hello" to me, as if it pained him to greet me. I've never heard him speak to anyone else like that. I'd just say a chipper "hi" or "hey", and it grew to annoy me so much. Oh, if he were to act like a human being to me I'd fall all over myself chasing him or something? Yeah, get over yourself, dude.
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Not only was I surprised he came to the house but was raging inside that he sat on the couch watching TV while I made several trips carrying everyone and everything in.
Yup. When I moved out, I and my 70 year old mother carried everything. I had movers for the furniture and really heavy things, but he didn't lift a finger.
I'm still not clear why he hated me so much. Of course, now, he tells people that we just grew apart. Oopsie! Yes, that's why we're not speaking, you have no idea where I live, and why you are in dire financial straits due to your own choices. Yup, grew apart. Such a shame.
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How is being the friendly cashier VS letting him walk all over me.
Because you are choosing to act and not REact. You're not going to let Moody McSelfish impact your day. Plus, we've already discussed how he WANTS to bait you into reacting to him or scolding him or telling him he's immature, because that gives him proof he's doing the right thing. So you are not reacting, no matter what. You are stable, mature, and enjoying life and you're not going to take his bait.
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I need you here IF youre going to help but if youre going to WATCH me do these things and not step up and help then it hurts me more because it angers me to see you sitting there while I do everything.
I know how obnoxious it is, T0, but you're looking to him to be in the role you've always known him in. He is making a statement by doing this, and boy oh boy is he hoping you'll shout the above at him. Don't. He's playing the short game but you're playing the long game. He may get momentary satisfaction, but you're showing him he can't impact you like he used to and you are a strong woman who won't let nonsense ruffle your feathers.
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My mom thinks that I need to make him feel important, my sweet mom always wanting to see the good in everyone. She said that H has told both her and my uncle he doesn't feel like I need him and doesn't feel appreciated or important. She is afraid if I continue to act as if and am just friendly but distant that it will further reinforce that he isn't important and I don't need him.
Your mom is nervous for you and wants you to be happy. Were you to do what she told you, you'd be pursuing him. He does not want you to pursue him - he will get angrier, more petty, and distance himself more if you were to pursue him.
Your H is a WH, not a WAH. Reread Sandi's reply to you about the difference, and why you cannot do things like your mother is suggesting.
Your mom is sweet, but she feels powerless, just like you sometimes do.
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I do know I am getting better at faking it. I don't know if me asking him nothing is making him be in a more shitty mood because his friendliness has drastically decreased in the last 2 weeks and friendly is nonexistent. Cordial isn't even really present. He looks at me with disgust at the off chance he even looks at me. I caught him looking at me when I wasn't looking when we were at the fireworks on July 4th. It's just sad really.
The only interaction this man wants with you right now is a fight. He says he doesn't want that, but his actions betray him, don't they? He wants you to freak out and yell and cry and make him feel better about leaving. But you are smart, and you know the best thing you can do for yourself is give him nothing to work with. Let him doubt himself when you are showing him that you know you have value, with or without him. That's attractive, and he hates that you can do it. So keep doing it
I saw similar to what you are describing and it is so incredibly bizarre, isn't it? H used to watch me. If we were in the same room together, but not talking (I might make small talk here and there) he'd clear his throat over and over and over again. It was a very clear "Why aren't you noticing me here and why aren't you trying to talk to me?" Yeah, no thanks. Before I moved out, I wore a new outfit he hadn't seen before, did my hair a way I never did it, and had a friend on standby texting me multiple messages. So he got to see my phone ringing with notifications and me picking it up and laughing/smiling at the contents, and then I left and didn't come back until late.
I'm not sure that did anything for me, but it made me feel pretty great.
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I thought about reaching out to him about a schedule at the end of this week but I'm afraid it will end up in a R discussion and I don't want that to happen.
You are acting, not REacting, remember T0? If you're not bringing up R stuff, it means he would be, and you can say "You know, I really don't want to talk about that." and stop the conversation. You aren't powerless to his whims. Just look at what you've already accomplished!
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His complaint was that I always have to have a plan and why can't I just let things happen and see where they go.
<incredulous look on face> "H, you left. A parenting schedule is what separated and divorced parents have. What you're talking about is bygones and I'd rather not go there. Now, here is what I'm thinking for the schedule..."
T0, the theme I see in all of your confusion is that you haven't accepted that your M as it was is over. You have't dropped the rope. I think you're creating these doubts because of things he said when you were still trying to save the M. Grieve the loss if you need to, but he's gone. It doesn't mean you can't work on a new M in the future, but the one you had is gone.
