Here again part 9

[Zues126]

He is just so far gone, so emotionally and mentally detached from me completely

He isn't treating you well so it's understandable to feel rejected.

However these aren't HIS feelings. These are YOUR feelings. Be aware of the difference.

So I will continue the course.

Good. You've been doing much better T0. The pain will diminish as you continue to grow in strength, and a large part of this is being able to walk your own path without being derailed by his.

I thought about reaching out to him about a schedule at the end of this week but I'm afraid it will end up in a R discussion and I don't want that to happen.

Outstanding.

His complaint was that I always have to have a plan and why can't I just let things happen and see where they go.

Great 180.

I don't mind doing that so much UNTIL the point of him being here isn't good for me. I don't believe that him coming here and staying every night is a positive sign. I truly believe h is doing it for his image so he can say to people he 'did the right thing.'

This is more mind reading.

Pretend there was a 50/50 chance your marriage perseveres and you rebuild a good life together if you DB your butt off, and a 50/50 chance he decides to file and never look back no matter what. Do you throw away your chance to save your family to preempt feeling taken advantage of? To me I'd be PROUD to be the kind of person that would stand by your family, and if that means that I'm taken advantage of, then good for them. At least I like myself and can look in the mirror.

Besides, I don't buy the idea that he's doing this to 'look good' at all. Not even a tiny, little bit. Seriously T0- look at all the posts on these forums. You've read them for years. WAS's lie, cheat, steal, lash out, and become abusive in every possible way. Their moral compass totally breaks. I don't think 'looking good' is on their mind because in their twisted reality anything they do is the LBS's fault. Granted there are a couple of people that go to therapy to be able to play the 'I tried' card, but I expect that they are still conflicted and the part of them that is still clinging to the idea of maintaining decent behavior is causing them to show up out of habit (like the last twitches of the decent person they were as they die).

But if your H is there, he's there because that's where he chooses to be. Not with OW. Not with his buddies. Not flaunting a new relationship on facebook. Not partying. Home with his wife and newborn baby while his relationship is as bad as it's ever been and he's not even on speaking terms.

Of course we can all focus on the pain he's causing, or what he's not doing, and minimize what he is doing. But that doesn't sound like the less critical and more appreciative T0 3.0 you're choosing to be.

Oh- and I know you're getting asked in real life and on these forums why you're trying to save this marriage. And I do agree that there are real concerns about being ready to jump into something destructive or back into a negative loop without some structure to help you guys do better. But there is a very good reason to save this marriage. One so self evident that I can't say it any more simply than this: You don't give up on a marriage.

For now though just continue to let things deescalate. I don't believe he's 'detached' emotionally, but T0, if you two can get there that is a step in the right direction. Let the dust continue to settle and calm down. Eventually the thoughts and emotional reactions will calm, and you'll see what I see- that he's choosing to be there on your couch. In some ways he has 'walked away' such as his words and his hurtful behavior, but in one very important way he hasn't walked and is actually showing some commitment- he's sitting there on your couch at night. Right now this is the best he can do, and it's a huge deal.

The situation in my marriage was very similar to yours when my W walked. We weren't speaking, we were unable to extract ourselves from a negative cycle. I was at home paying the bills and not much else. She was taking care of the kids and not much else. We were pretty stuck and defeated. I was feeling pretty defeated for sure. But I knew I didn't want my M to end, so I stuck around figuring that we'd find a way. She found an old highschool friend on facebook and the rest is history.

Try to be appreciative. We talk about detaching by reassuring newcomers that they will be ok even if their spouse leaves. But this reassurance can easily be twisted into the same rationalizations WAS's use to comfort themselves that D can be for the best, kids are 'resilient', etc. Tell that to my S13 who is getting bullied by XW's OM who he hates, and they are fighting every night and he is being sent to bed without supper, and I am in another household unable to do much to help.

Sorry, got carried away. So yes, no matter what you can be ok and your life will continue. But don't give up. Just let go and try to do your part. Faith. Patience. Belief. Gratitude. These are the pillars you need to lean on right now.