Hi, Sotto! I chuckled at the dating after divorce, that would be pretty funny!
I am still here struggling but I think I am getting a LITTLE better each day. Yesterday I packed up all 3 boys and took them on the boat, H watched me do everything then came out to say goodbye to the boys and walked back in the house without uttering a word to me, I just said as he was walking in Bye H. I still get hurt by these actions but I think its lessening each time. I had previously asked H if he would be able to watch the baby for a bit last night as I had a study session for my exam this morning. After being on the boat and having a good time I realized, I would rather not see him tonight. So I sent a text, Hey, we are going to skip the study session and I'm just going to study alone so don't worry about having to come by. Thanks! Well we didn't get home from the boat til 10pm, I was exhausted and carried in 3 sleeping children with about 10 bags, H was on the couch. Not only was I surprised he came to the house but was raging inside that he sat on the couch watching TV while I made several trips carrying everyone and everything in. I didn't say a word. I was the happy cashier and woke the baby to give him a bath and talked with the boys while they were in the bath too about how much fun we had. H didn't say much of anything and came in to kiss the boys goodnight and again didn't acknowledge me. I didn't say goodnight to him, didn't feel I needed to.
This is where I struggle. How is being the friendly cashier VS letting him walk all over me. Part of me wants to say why the F do you come here if you dont do a DAMN thing!? I need you here IF youre going to help but if youre going to WATCH me do these things and not step up and help then it hurts me more because it angers me to see you sitting there while I do everything.
He is just so far gone, so emotionally and mentally detached from me completely. I did not ask any personal questions of him, didn't say anything about all of his bags by the front door. NOTHING, NADA, ZIP. My mom thinks that I need to make him feel important, my sweet mom always wanting to see the good in everyone. She said that H has told both her and my uncle he doesn't feel like I need him and doesn't feel appreciated or important. She is afraid if I continue to act as if and am just friendly but distant that it will further reinforce that he isn't important and I don't need him.
So I feel so torn, I don't know whether to [censored] or go blind! lol! I do know I am getting better at faking it. I don't know if me asking him nothing is making him be in a more shitty mood because his friendliness has drastically decreased in the last 2 weeks and friendly is nonexistent. Cordial isn't even really present. He looks at me with disgust at the off chance he even looks at me. I caught him looking at me when I wasn't looking when we were at the fireworks on July 4th. It's just sad really.
So I will continue the course. I thought about reaching out to him about a schedule at the end of this week but I'm afraid it will end up in a R discussion and I don't want that to happen. His complaint was that I always have to have a plan and why can't I just let things happen and see where they go. I don't mind doing that so much UNTIL the point of him being here isn't good for me. I don't believe that him coming here and staying every night is a positive sign. I truly believe h is doing it for his image so he can say to people he 'did the right thing.' So I'm still up in the air about the schedule. He CANNOT take the boys to his boss' house... my mom offered him to stay at her house and he could have the boys overnight there. I do not want the boys staying at a strangers house. Plus its 2 bedroom and her daughter lives there, I believe H is on the couch -- I haven't asked. I don't mind if he takes the boys at all but staying the night there isn't feasible at this time.
