Why am I afraid to piss him off and push him away further? Part of me believe it's because I'm hoping he's questioning his decision and that me pushing him away will push him further to D.
I don't know why I'm so scared to say H you left me, I really don't think these family functions are something that I should be doing and it is confusing for the boys.
I've also been thinking about saying something to him about staying the night. Like H, you staying here isn't working out. It's confusing the boys and they are left with uncertainty of which nights you will be coming by and which ones you won't so I think it's best for everyone if that stops.
That's not exactly what I will say but it's what I'm playing around with.
Last night H came by. I said hi and hung around for a bit then got dressed and went to the gym at 9. Before I left I said H is there a specific time you need to leave so I am plan to be back? He said I can stay the night if you want. I said no that's okay you don't need to just text me when you need to get going and I'll head home. He never text so I came home at 1030 we didn't ecahcnge any words and he went to the couch. I realized he was staying the night so I brought the baby out and said he's here to kiss you goodnight he said I already did earlie. I just said okay goodnight and walked back to my room. This morning his friend came over and he left without saying goodbye. So the boys and I are going to be gone before he gets back. He has his 'baby shower' to go to anyway. I'm taking the boys to see fireworks tonight with some friends also.
I have super mixed emotions about being around him since he's left. We've seen each other pretty much everyday with the exception of a few but we barely talk. I feel so AWKWARD around him. He feels like a complete stranger to me. I feel uncomfortable around him. Like I don't know what to say or do. I feel like I'm being judged. But as I see him it gets less hard to be around him from an emotional sense like yes I love him and see the man I love but he's not that man and being around him reminds me of that more. If that makes sense.
Anyway I'm afraid to say anything. I hope I can suck it up say it and move past that fear. My parents want me to just leave everything as it is so he continues to financially provide as he is. They're scared for me that he will stop paying like last time when I stood up to him. I'm not working and he pays all the bills as of right now. So I'm in a difficult situation until next year.
