Ugh! NYGal, now she's telling you she'll handle something one way and then does exactly what she'd said she wouldn't do?
I'm extremely troubled by this. We can call W a people pleaser, but why does she care more about what OW thinks of her than what you think of her? Why does OW's directive to call her matter more than your request that information be transmitted by email, despite OW's preference?
It's almost like W is treating you like you are her child, rather than her partner. As if she is the ultimate decision-making authority, and she'll nod and smile at your requests, and then she'll quietly overrule you.
This is death by a thousand paper cuts, NYGal. Each incident of W's rebellion isn't a big deal on it's own, but the pattern is the problem. And I think that's not coming across in counseling - pure speculation here - because time is spent on the latest incident.
The fact that she wouldn't sign the contract seems to mean that W finds it absurd that she'd be accountable to you. You always feel as if you are accountable to her, but she doesn't return that respect to you, especially when it comes to OW.
I don't know what's right for you, but if I were in your shoes, I'd be thinking it was about time to take a very large stand about how I will allow myself to be treated. When you reunited, I don't think you ever got to the point where you were willing to live without her, and I think that's allowed the "affair era" power balance to still be present. She gives you lip service and then does what she wants, thus prioritizing OW's feelings above your feelings, and you're just supposed to deal with it. That's not okay.
