NYGal, with the utmost love, none of us are victims of our circumstances. We always have a choice. We can't control other's behaviors but we always get to decide what we're willing to accept, and how we allow others to treat us.
OW is still a presence that is causing you pain because W is allowing it. She could leave her job. You say she has been there 35 years and "is an institution?" So what. Aren't you, your marriage, and your future together more important than any job? And even if you both determined it was important for her to keep that job and you were willing to endure OW's daily presence for the greater good of W's career, W should certainly have no issue maintaining the boundaries you have mutually agreed on for your comfort. Except she doesn't. You ask her to sign a written agreement and she says naaah. She knows she doesn't *have* to follow the rules because there are no consequences either way.
You might get mad and blow up, but W knows you're probably not going anywhere. She has all the power and she gives you just enough scraps to keep you going. I'm sure W loves you, but she is taking advantage and not treating you fairly. You say you wish the "over and over" struggle could be different, but you are the one who has the power to stop it. It stops when you realize how much better you deserve than what W is giving you. I'm not at all saying you should walk away from W, but if it came to that, she needs to know you are capable of doing it. The only way you are ever going to get any respect from her is by standing up for yourself WITH ACTIONS and letting her know her behaviors are not OK.
You are a prize, NYGal. Hold that beautiful head up high and be strong.
