Here again part 9

[sandi2]

He said the only time H respects me is when I don't give 2 shits about him.

He's right. Read Txhubby's first post on his new thread. I realize it may not make sense to rational person, but it's the wayward spouse who is out in left field. He thinks everything is about him. You have made him the center of your life, and he doesn't appreciate it. He resents you mothering him and holding him accountable for past sins. He is in full out rebellion, and he sees you losing him.......not the other way around. WW's have the same mindset. It's crazy! In most every success story, the LBS had let go of the WS and did not try to stay BFF's and all of that stuff. They moved forward and had as little necessary contact with the WS as possible. In these success stories, when the wayward spouse realized they were being dumped by the LBS.........it was as if they would become intrigued and reverse the chase. I believe there is some human nature at play when this happens. Even in our modern society where we have seen many changes in the way people think and act.............there is an innate behavior that I still believe exsits. Some people say it's playing games, and that's true to an extent. Someone needs to tell the animal kingdom, since it has been proven how this behavior plays a part in their mating rituals. . In a lot of cases, the female acts as if she's not interested, while the male struts around showing off......or fights off his competition (still showing off) to win the female. She may have been interested all along, but the male doesn't know it, and he is drawn to her and thinks he has to win her favor in order to mate with her. Wait.......am I talking about the animal kingdom or humans? Both! I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I have seen the chase reverse when the one pursuing would stop and lose interest. I will admit that if my H would have dumped my a$$, it would have been an immediate change of heart for this wayward gal. I believe I would have gotten my act together real quick, by seeing him as the one leaving me, instead of me walking away from him.

I'm a fixer. I want to make everything okay. I just I don't like conflict I just want to deal with the issue and move on rather than sweep it under the rug and drag it out.

I refer back to my previous post on this subject.

setting a schedule or doing anything in the next week is not going to change anything toward the better at this moment it will just add more stress for me so I will suck it up and make plans with the boys and if he chooses to reach out I will decide IF he can join or he can have the kids one day himself

Okay, whatever you need to do. Schedules should not cause stress, but give you predictability where you can have a sense of organization in your unstable situation. Maybe others are encouraging you to share family activities with H, IDK. I just think this is the time you need to shift gears and protect your emotions. The more you allow him to play like one big happy family.......the more difficult and painful for you to detach.

If we go on the boat I will decide if he's invited. It will depend on my mood and what's best for the children.

You mean this weekend? I thought you were getting away with the boys. Look, TO, it will always be best for the children to have both parents with them! Affairs, separation, and divorce are not designed for the children's best (unless in abuse cases, etc.), so you have to think what is best for you in this current timeframe. As parents we always think about our children's best, and what I'm saying may sound terribly self-centered in your opinion. Under normal circumstances, I would be the first to agree. However, these are not normal circumstances and you must do what is best for you to rise above this mess your H has caused, and come through in one piece. He enjoys the family outings, right? Then he leaves and goes back to his own private life. So what does it do for you? You enjoy it, too? Does it raise your hopes? Does it send you back through the old thought patterns and self blaming? Do you essentially hurt more or longer b/c you saw a glimpse of what was once your old life? Do whatever works for you.

I did send a text earlier - baby was 15 lbs 3oz 24.5 in long 99 percentile and poor guy got 4 shots. And left it at that... I didn't engage further but I'm going to be the bigger person. I am not going to give him ANY ammunition toward me to paint me to be the person he is convincing himself I am.

What you texted was fine. I just get concerned when you talk about being the bigger person.......if he is the measuring stick. You need to be free of what he might think about you. Can you see how it controls you? Ammunition? Honey, he is a liar. He doesn't need legitimate ammunition.........his wayward mindset is all the ammunition he needs!!