It irks you to death, but you cannot and will not be able to control the fact he is a liar. I have very personal experience with compulsive and pathological liars, and if you try to control his lies.......it will consume you and you'll be focused on the wrong objective. You don't need it.
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Yes I know I need to detach but that is my reason for wanting the schedule. He texts me saying he has to do XYZ and won't be at the house til late. But that's not what he's doing at all ...
By late, do you mean when he comes over to spend the night? B/c I think you can put a halt to that part. No more of him coming by to see the boys and then leaving. It keeps you upset, and may leave the kids unsettled before bedtime, IDK. The objective is to protect your feelings, and since this is upsetting to you......how can it be resolved so you can mentally detach from the anger, frustration, and consuming thoughts of what H is "really doing"?
I am a pen & paper type of person, however, I have updated to the computer version . If I were you, I'd write out these things that are bugging the cr@p out of you and threatens to prevent you from mentally detaching. Then write your objective, and write out beside your objective your plan to achieve it. Remember, (b/c it's easy to blur the lines and try to control him), you are protecting your feelings. You control you, not him. That's not to say you have to let him pop up at the house whenever he decides. There needs to be some ground rules established, so you might bear that in mind as you are sorting this out.
Detaching doesn't mean you have to stop loving him. It works to free you from the painful bondage you currently feel in connection to what he is doing in his life. You allow his behavior to control you, b/c you become obsessive about his lies and what he is likely doing. TO, I have personal experience of living with a compulsive & pathological liar. It is absolutely horrible and can consume the lives of a family. Even when I knew they lied with every breath they took, I was the one who was being a puppet and allowing their lies to rule any chance of me having a healthy emotional/mental state of mind. It's a thief and will rob you of precious things you can't get back. So, build your fort and protect your feelings from his destructive ways. You have to shift gears from saving the M......to saving yourself. Does that mean it will push him to D you sooner? No! It's not going to push or pull him. It's going to save you. You can't save anything until you save yourself first. Being left when a woman is in her most vulnerable condition.....is unforgivable, but it happens to many women. I don't know how you have the sanity to get through your schooling, stay up all night with a newborn, run the house and the other two kids, and work........all while your hormones are trying to find some type of balance.
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But because he's not saying he wants to work on the R it's not my business to call him out, right?
Exactly! You are not his mother, and he has separated from the MR. It will be tempting to call him out, but it will do no good whatsoever. You need to have some ground rules, b/c you are emotionally vulnerable. Calmly telling him that xxx does not work for you (or you and the kids) is not calling him out. You will no longer talk about how he lives his life. The only thing you care about is how his actions directly affect your schedule, the children's welfare, etc. For the moment, you can't focus on how his behavior affects the M. That has to be put on a shelf for now. In order to fix yourself, you must stop trying to fix the MR, b/c you are loosing "TO" in the process. You have to emotionally and mentally train yourself to separate from his life and make a new life for yourself. It won't be done in a few days or weeks. It is a daily work, taking a few steps at a time to build up your emotional strength.
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He thinks he's dad of the year coming to sleep on the couch at 9pm getting here eating dinner working out and watching tv on the couch all nigh
Well, you can't help what his wayward brain thinks, but you can stop him from doing this little song & dance at your house. He gave up his home and family, so he doesn't get to come in right before the children's bedtime, eat dinner and make himself at home. He doesn't get to keep his old life and his new life, too. This is not you being punitive to him; and who cares if someone thinks it is? Don't let it sr@w with your head. This is you setting ground rules that protect your emotions and the peaceful routine you have established within those four walls. You aren't focused on what he does outside those four walls, but since he's removed himself as the protector and leader of this family unit........You step up. You say who gets to spend the night at your house. If you have any legal concerns, check with you lawyer.
BTW, if he has not removed all of his personal items from within the house, and if seeing his things bother you........I don't think it would be out of order to ask him to finish moving them. The sooner he stops dragging out the process of getting a few things at a time, the sooner his excuses to pop in for more clothes will end.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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