25yearsMLC - 10 yrs Later I File D (pt 5)

[25yearsmlc]

25, I like the letter. I think it was reasonable and generous. I think you're already at last resort stage, considering the timing. I hope your in-laws are generous and helpful. I wouldn't count on it, but I think you would regret it if you didn't send the letter and your D19 had to drop out of school.

exactly. My ego is pushing me against sending it at all ("NO THANKS to you, she and I are all doing fine!!" - which is unfair and again, MY ego)


I also wouldn't delay sending it because it is hard to say what actions they might need to take to get the amount of cash that is needed to get her registered.

they have the cash readily available (within a few days at most) but they'd need to discuss it. How come H has not asked them? And then tell d19 that he's "tried"...? B/c he freaking has not tried and that's giving him A LOT of the benefit of doubt about his stupid finances.

I say stupid b/c the only way h "cannot' afford to pay her tuition is if he literally quit a very lucrative job he LOVED, to punish me. OR maybe he's really feeling old and tired...and then why not ask your dad? H KNOWS for a fact he's inheriting half the wealth of his dad b/c I did the will, saying so.

Wow, I just scoffed in envy of the OW who waltzes in to claim her prize after I've been m to him for 35 years. Wow that makes me nuts and no, I am not proud of that.


I would also ask if there is some kind of payment program at your D19's school? I know that my university had one that was not need-based. You might pay a slight up charge spreading the payments out over the term rather than paying the lump at registration time, but the advantages would be: 1) the amount of money you need to ask the in-laws for could be reduced; 2) it buys you time to get your STBX to pay his share or start paying you the support he owes; 3) perhaps your D19 can get a job to pay a portion of it in the event that you end up having to pay her tuition.

all good ideas^^^^. I'd have to get a great job tomorrow to afford this but I cannot have her drop out.

OTOH I did take off a semester in college to work b/c I put myself thru AND was married to h. It's not the most horrible thing, but it will hurt d19

In my state, I was told by my lawyers that the courts can't compel a parent to pay for college.

In most states that is true outside of the divorce decree (which is something you can ask for in the settlement but do not pretend it's "spousal support" b/c it's not. It's a parental obligation )

In CA there is an arguable "Contractual" point to make, in which you say "dear non paying parent, you created a reasonable expectation of payment - and paid your older kids- and it's harmful to her b/c she would have chosen a different college if she'd known you were going to pull this PLUS you CAN AFFORD it, so pay up."

That's another reason he is arguing he "retired" I suspect. My L seemed to think it'll happen but it's delayed now, so that $ucks. She'll have to take a semester off just b/c of that if the inlaws do not chip in big time.



I've been trying to prepare myself to pay for it on my own, knowing Mr. Fantastic's spending habits. I hope you can find a good solution for your D19 and that she doesn't end up having to eat a sh!t sandwich.

You've been doing marvelously, considering the chain of events you've been working with. I hope you feel very proud of yourself.

Thank you. A lot. I want to feel pride but not so far. More humility and regrets so far. But I'm working on this^^^. Working hard.

I've had moments in which I think "Hey 25, you're not suicidal and you're not crazy. But you are maxed out. What would "losing your $hit" be like? And Let's not bring in some new element here. No more drama. Just keep swimming and practicing some self care..."

I'm not sure what a "Breakdown" would be for me. I think the fetal position in bed, with ice cream or steak - I'm a carnivore, and my remote control, with my dog next to me, would be it.

Unfortunately/fortunately?? that ^^ scene has played out a bit already...

I asked my older sister to come over next week just to help me sort thru all the GDC and wade through it. H has done his side of some paperwork and the QDRO is signed so I SHOULD be getting the pension checks directly from the military/federal gov and not hope/pray/wait for the DOCTOR to "give" me HIS money...not sure if he'll pay the spousal support ordered back in January...Jesus this system is lousy b/c I "won" in court but it's like "so what?"

of course, he's never once paid the right or full amount. I better be getting the past money due.

THEN I'll be rich! Not so much, but at least I'd have a damn number to budget with and know what type of job I really need to get. A "pay the bills" job --

I just want a job that means something to me and pays. Doesn't have to be great money (or does it?? See? I don't freaking know yet!)

but I want to have purpose in my life other than wife/mom b/c those jobs were eliminated or reduced recently. Heck, I'm not even a daughter anymore since mom died.

I GUESS I'm a daughter in law...oh wait, nope. Lost that job too.

Okay, pity party over. I have to embrace the lack of roles and create new ones. I am free to choose now.

Because that's how it goes. We ALL get curve balls or face loss or health challenges and that is life. Every life faces loss. Unless you die early, I guess.

I see my niece marrying next month and I can just tell she has the idea that SHE and HER Fiancee won't have big problems.

You know what I mean?

Like she really believes "those are for other people". I was the same way at that age. I figured my life problem would be balancing all the great competing demands of my time.
In my nieces' mind, there's no way she thinks these things could happen to Her or her fiancé.

Cancer? No way. Seizures? NOT us...gross.

Multiple Schlerosis? I think not. An idiopathic "wtf" disease that takes a long time to diagnose but erodes you at some level...nooooo

A car accident with a lasting injury, or disfigurement? NO WAY...

Job loss and unemployment & indecision for over a month? NOT THEM...

Fiancee comes from money so they may never have those problems but, what if there s' a bankruptcy? Ugh...or what if fiancé does not like his projected job? (BTW he's a new L and his job goals are the most boring I've ever heard from someone in his age group. I mean, tooooooo obvious all he wants is money and good hours. Great. Nice idealism. It bugs me when I hear nothing aspirational in a 25 y/o marrying my niece.)

hard to explain but since my 5 closest friends (in my age group) each have had or IS having a serious challenge right now, I know these are the real tests.

Loss of a 22 y/o son to an undiagnosed heart defect - LC. She's bereft.

An idiopathic lung disease/transplant - KC. This will be her last year.

Mom's death AND cancer, goes to JJ.

25 -I got the seizures/divorce in the same month, and my mom died & last kid went off to college a year ago, same month. Also heard a gun shot & saw speeding cars and then found a murder victim the day after dropping d19 off at college, so that was a weird cat turd on the $hit cake that month.

My 4th & last friend of our 5 woman circle, is MH - she has a daughter who just got out of drug rehab and has a long history of serious depression AND luckily MH also has a happy daughter getting married ( )

^^^Stressors and joys - but these ^^^ are what every life is made of.


A favorite friend and DB poster named Jack3beans (RIP) used to say that "most of life is dealing with Plan B". Jack3 had some major plan B's in his life but he was not bitter. He was very smart, very witty and very loving.

We miss him.

And He was so right. We have to stop staring in disbelief at what our lives became b/c it's not what we planned, OR b/c it's not what we believed our lives were/are.

We have to stop just staring at the past so we can live today and have a loving tomorrow.

(Yes I will take my own advice. In fact, my advice to us all, is to take our own advice!)

We have to show up for our kids and ourselves and if we have a partner, then we show up for them too. And we stick by them in their hour of need.

My h did not show up when I really needed him. Gosh, it's terrible but so necessary to know this ugly truth. Now I know. NO more relying on the unreliable. No more disappointment in someone who clearly disappoints.

Even if they once came through OR if it once suited them, that is not reality now.

In fact, my T says I was the "touchstone for h, so he could do as he wished in his demanding relentless career and changes, and then return home for the family fix..."
She says this so I don't romanticize the past too much which she thinks makes me want to hold onto the scrap of hope that h will wake up.

I know in my heart I'd like to see that so much. AND I know in my head that it would not work out anyhow. Too much water under the bridge and too much damage to me and our m and our kids. Not being punitive, being real. When I imagine the future with me being detached, I see a growing pity for h, in me.

Even if Ow is ALL he could want in a partner, he will never be close to our kids again.

Or at least not within the next 10 years and then he'll be....70...

Back to me - T says MY life was mostly about filling others needs. Maintaining the family unit and an illusion that h was fully invested. I never saw it this way. Never felt heroic or martyred or used.

But the single thing I ever did JUST for me, was performing in theater/comedy.

I'm rambling now. Driving to see KC for her birthday. The transplant isn't going great but I will make her laugh and hang out with her family. And that's a fun thing.