Wife moved to parents on opposite coast #4

[Cali08]

I need to start by saying that I think this is a bad idea, but not going to harp on that. Just want to say that a lot of this is better shown than said, but I realize it’s difficult with you two being so far apart.

Here are a couple of suggestions:

I know you feel that I never put you first, but you were always first in my mind and I would do anything for you.

Never use “but” when validating feelings, “I know you feel that I never put you first, and I understand how much feeling that way must of hurt you”

I wish I would have moved to the East Coast from the start. I wish I would have trained less and went to the gym less like I am now. I wish I would have planned to go on dates with you every week. I should have talked to you about how our weeks would play out and made time for us.

I’ve realized that I was caught up in my own activities and failed to include you in them, or find new activities that we could do together. Often times I got caught up in reaching a destination, and I now realize that I was missing out on the Journey with you.

These were simple changes I should have made from the get go. I want you to know I was getting there and realizing this as our marriage declined, which I refused to believe. I just couldn’t imagine our love for each other could end, especially in the way it is. I wanted nothing more than to live this life and explore the world with you. I wanted so badly to be home with you and not be on the road working anymore. I felt trapped in my job and I still do. I felt bad every time you brought up the fact that I went away for work, but I needed to be able to provide. This was something I believed was a major part of a marriage, but I now know that it is a part of it, but not everything.
I had the strongest urge to provide for you and I wanted us to have the best life together. I wanted to be able to provide the life were we could travel and see things together.

There are an awful lot of I's in this...

My communication skills were not what they needed to be and I had to learn and I still had a long way to go. I have made leaps in my understanding of this through all of our time away from each other. I was blind to a lot of things, yes I know you told me things, but I couldn’t see how I needed to see it. I wanted to be able to share things with you, but it was something I have never done with anyone and it was hard for me to do, but I see the error in this and wish I could have just opened my mouth and talked to you.

I’ve thought a lot about things you have said in the past, trying to tell me how you felt, and why I didn’t recognize it when you were reaching out to me. I have spent a lot of time reflecting, I’ve realized that my ability to communicate with you about your feelings, and understand that you were trying to reach out to me, was been very limited. I’ve been reading books on communication, and am amazed at what I’ve been able to learn in such a short time, and am continuing to improve my communication skills.

I also feel that you believe our different backgrounds were an issue, but it isn’t.

Ok, flat out telling her she is wrong is not going to help at all.

I am a man of determination and know what I need to do is clear and the changes I have made are real. It has nothing to do with me being someone I am not, but it’s about being a better version of myself. I make these changes for myself now.

You have to show this, you cannot just tell her, she won’t believe it anyway. Besides, if it’s for yourself, why even tell her?

By taking a stand to defy the odds, defy my own insecurities, and the conventional wisdom that has failed me so miserably. I believe, “sometimes we make the right decision, and sometimes we have to make the decision right”... To genuinely create change in my life, rescue this relationship, and turn it around – requires me to articulate the underlying problem that’s causing the friction. It’s about looking at the assets and the liabilities... basically the things that work well and the things that may not work so well.

If you’re going to do this, it needs to be authentic, real and from the heart… Do you normally speak this way?

What I hope u will do is focus on our positive qualities, even if u got to turn back the clock in your mind and remembering the early stages of our relationship – remembering again the very things that attracted and inspired admiration in one another. Maybe it was something physical, or maybe it had to do with ones personality or behavior. Whatever it was, there was something that caused you to reach out to me and in turn allow me to reach out to you.

In DB, your job is to show her that person, not ask her to remember them.

Can you tell me what you being first would look like? I want to know as best you can tell me so I know what my mistakes are and I won’t repeat them. What did you mean when you would text me that you were thinking about me? What did you expect out of me when telling me this?

Again, you need to be that person, not ask her to tell you how to be that person. Look, if you can’t do it without her asking, why would she find that attractive, and why would you want to go through life doing everything another person tells you.

Great points! The things on the very bottom were more of questions to and how I would go about the letter. I just copied and pasted everything. Some of it wasn't necessarily all of my writing and I type them out so it would get my mind working.