25yearsMLC - 10 yrs Later I File D (pt 5)

[25yearsmlc]

Hmmm ... this is tough because once you send it you cannot unsend it. While it seems very effective in getting the message/request across, I also am concerned that their perspective could be that you are finger-pointing. Not saying you should care what they think about you, because the only goal is to get them to pay for her school, correct?

Yes...well okay let me dig a bit.

ALSO secretly I want them to say "OMG We miss 25 and think h is a fool! Also we hate OW & always will. Let's send 25 money!"...

I mean if we get to fantasize for a minute, THIS^^ is my other goal...

So before sending it, are you prepared for 1. them showing H the letter, and/or 2. them reacting to you in a negative way or it harming your R with them?


1) Yes I am prepared as I'm 90% sure they will discuss it with him. Especially if it varies at all from what he's told them, which it will.

2) yes I AM afraid they will somehow morph my request into a flaw in me or some combo of whatever crap h has said, and then reject me in some form other than ignoring me...

3) but since i have not heard from them in months, I feel like the R with them has already somehow suffered. Frankly, I'm hurt they have not reached out to me before.
That bothers me. Feels like I don't exist and I am baffled and hurt by that. (Ideas there?)

My BIL and his wife have and we had a really fun time over the holidays. I did not know of OW then. I think I broke down for a minute (= pathetic but at least I was not mean).

so I guess I'm not risking a lot, am I? I just want it to help. Even if it hurts ME if it helps d19, then yay.

Ideally I rebuild the r with them (or reignite it) and d19 gets help.


... Even though it is perfectly clear to me that H's lack of support is the reason she is in this really hard spot, do you think they will see it that way?


Not positive.

I think H twists things weirdly to the point where I"m not sure what they believe or know.

I know h left me last fall in an impaired state (not easy for me to write that, people, but it's true. Lots of witnesses to my impairment too, which is really hard on the brain's ego when you are a wordsmith and cannot speak clearly or call your sister by a name she's never heard)

AND he had me sign a financial waiver against my interest. AND is okay....????

I Mention this^^ b/c it's pretty hard to see that as anything other than terrible. So I ask myself how he does that AND what on earth he told his dad/stepmom. He must not have said a word or acted like I was fine with it and no one else asked...

Not that he's insane/evil, but that the level of cognitive dissonance between knowing your w of 35 years and you decide you will phone it all in from Alaska...who does this and isn't haunted by behavior that everyone involved sees as appalling? Our own kids...HIS kids...and sticks a paper in front of me to sign.

YOU guys have not even met me and you know I'd never sign a document like that if my brain was turned on.

Wow, this is good ^^ (horrific) to write out. It reminds me of why there's no hope for a recon. As great as it would be for my ego (and it would be so sweet)

there's no way I can be married to a man who doesn't have my back when I really truly do need him. And a man who has no self awareness of how his own behavior looks.

last fall was horrible of h. Period. So how can he do that and STILL be angry at me?? Does not matter. He did what he did and he feels/does not feel, what he feels/does not feel. Might change might not.

Okay now that I've resolved ^^^ that, it means they have no clue on all this. They live across the country.

They don't know. Does that matter? YES if they think I'm just eating bon bons on the couch and

spending H's money (never "our money" but just his).

Random thought: what if the approach of the letter was less trying to convince them to pay and more of a desperate plea that they encourage H to do the right thing and pay?


I think my resistance to this^^ Blu, is that it's about manipulating h. One thing I have learned about h this past decade, is that he does NOT do shame. Regrets mean mistakes and that means shame and that means he's a POS so it all must be avoided...No admissions of guilt or regret or even looking at his own behavior just in case...

It's always converted into blame, and yours truly is the primary target. He'll go nuts and it'll backfire on me.

Besides, if they are motivated to help, I assume they'd let h know. And he can deal with that - by blaming me for "never working" and yada yada...

but even if they think I'm the laziest first w of the world, why punish d19?


Or even simply you are approaching them on advice as to how she can stay at the school? That might take out the blame on H and might they perhaps offer to pay on their own if you are desperately searching all avenues?


Sorry if I missed something else, I am not entirely caught up. Those were my initial thoughts when I read it.

Blu

makes sense