When my children were infants their dad was traveling for weeks at a time for work. We lived in California earthquake country when I had three under 6 and I had to be ready to shelter in place without food, water, or emergency services at any moment. Even when Mr. Fantastic was in town he *never* got up to help with crying children, change a wet bed, etc. There were nights all three of them were vomiting and he never got out of bed at all. I was a single mom before I knew I was a single mom. If I'd heard a noise or a fire had broken out, I'd have handled that too, and he would have stood around asking me if I wanted him to call 911 (probably as my daughter was actually dialing). Twice I walked in on attempted break-ins and when I called to tell him he told me I was interrupting him at work and he never even asked if I was ok. Shortly after D-Day my car was totaled on the freeway with my children in it (not my fault and nobody really hurt) and when I called to tell him he said that was lucky, now I could get a new car, and that he had to get back to his meeting. Never once did he ask if we were OK, if the kids were freaked out, whatever. Way too absorbed in himself.
Well, based on that rant I apparently still have some anger issues. Sorry to dump them on your thread.
My point is, we are mightier than we know. Babies in the house or not, you've already been doing this on your own. If he wants the kids, you don't have to be around to witness it. Set up a schedule and let him actually take them so you can get uninterrupted sleep and study time on a predictable basis. If you've got the kids, you already know how to deal with it, and clearly your boys are ready to step in and help. Your H can be their dad, but he doesn't have to be their dad on your time if he's not helping.
And T, I do understand your feelings. I was there. It's so confusing.
The thing is, do YOU want to be married to this unpredictable, unreliable, grumpy man? A marriage is a commitment to be one another's rock. Will you ever be able to see him as your rock, ever again? If he came back to you right now, would you be able to believe him? Would you want to trust yourself to him?
If the answer is no, then focus your energy on dropping that rope.
I know there are people here who are encouraging you to hold on to your marriage. I remember your first go-around here, and I'm sad to see you on round two. I'm not going to encourage you to hang on. Enough is enough!!
People are on ADs for all kinds of reasons. Not just because of divorce. FWIW, I was never on ADs, though I was offered them. I decided the pain I felt was appropriate to my circumstances and that I should just figure out how to cope with it. So just because you see lots of depressed patients doesn't mean that the natural consequence of divorce is lifelong depression and medication.
There will come a moment when your head and your heart pull in the same direction, and when that happens, you'll be on your way to OK. Until then, just keep processing here. It's helpful. You are entitled to your feelings. You've been through a TON and you are going through a ton. I'm pulling for you, T, you're one strong lady.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/10/1712:31 AM. Reason: Combine posts
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
