I think it could also be that he feels so badly about himself that he couldn't possibly imagine why HaWho would still be waiting around for him and he wants to "prove" how unworthy he is by having her leave for someone else.
It doesn't sound to me like HaWho puts any impediments to him finding someone else (perhaps I don't remember the thread as well as I think) and if that were his goal why wouldn't he already be doing that in his secretive teenage ways?
Rather than a high energy replay guy like mine, he seems more like a depressiac wallowing in his self pity.
Hi Doll, Firstly ... congrats on son's 8th grade graduation! Big stuff. Wishing him all the best in H.S.
Secondly - dang. Your MLCer just leaves me shaking my head.
I echo what others, especially Job, has said. Take the summer - and longer if needed - to really consider what it is YOU want in your life and then take action accordingly.
If it's to stay, then stay, but give yourself some time frames to test to see if there's progress, even glacial.
If it's to split, then really think about what you and the boys will need moving forward and what's most important to you.
He has progressed, despite this conversation. I can see it. It's such a darn slow process, and no one knows if their MLCr will be the one to make it back out of the tunnel.
I'm most concerned about YOU. Again, if it's at all possible to take a weekend away to yourself, I urge you to consider it.
You need the break.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I love bttrfly's suggestion of a weekend away or more just to have space and time to recharge and regroup with or without the kids.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
The DB community verdict is in. A decision by mass majority is hawho is to carve out a weekend away. Joking aside you should consider it, but if you do so it is to take your mind off this situation and not a weekend of soul searching about it. Pamper yourself. You are worth it.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Ownit, Gordie, Job, Roist, Andrew and Bttrfly-thanks so much for the support and all the advice.
In some ways I am thinking about things and in some ways I am not. After the last conversation you'd think I'd be devastated but no. The letter was still the worst thing he's done to me. It'll be hard to top that craziness.
Recently I was thinking about how we are all at different points in this process. I read posts and sometimes think that I remember feeling that same pain in that same exact way. But now realize, hey, I don't feel it that way anymore. Then I read other posts and think I need to get myself to that frame of mind and I set goals.
The recent conversation with h left me thinking the following. I want to have respect for that which I don't understand. I certainly have learned there is so much I don't understand in this world. I truly believe my h is having a MLC.
But I am at this point where, while I maintain compassion for him and whatever is happening to him, I just can't think too much about this all anymore. When someone tells you to mind your own business, stay out of his affairs and he'll stay out of yours, there is no foundation for anything, not even a friendship. It's a losing hand and I can't make that win.
I listened to a good TED talk on depression. The opposite of depression is not happiness but vitality. So true. I see it day in and day out.
As for having compassion for him, he is so clearly confused. It must be awful to live in his mind. He tells me to mind my own business, wears his wedding ring rituously, recently introduced me as his wife and since the most recent conversation avoids my eyes and company completely.
Speaking of the untimely conversation, I am still really shocked that he told me I can rely on him as though he's this real Steady Eddy type. He actually said something like "you know I'll never screw you." Well, no, I certainly do not. Why would I ever think that?!? The warped perception is astounding.
As for decisions about his living arrangements, that is a tough one. If he leaves, I lose time with my kids. Maybe it would help matters overall or maybe it would further mess up my kids? Who knows what life alone with him would be like?!?
He definitely is better now than 2 years ago. Take this with a grain of salt though as the benchmark is he no longer thinks I am trying to murder him. Progress is progress and yet, one should probably see what the starting point was, eh? With the kids he is much, much better. S11 was sick and where a year ago h was cold and bothered by it all, now he stayed with him and cared for him. I do see that we could co-parent together and that is great as I did not feel that 2 years ago.
Overall though, what do you do with a losing hand in a game that goes on and on?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I will get back to you, but wanted you to know that I read your post and support you still. At times I feel it is lousy form for the WAS to not walk away. It is part of their job description. But it has given you time to detach and him time to be less in cuckoo-land. Most lbs are still reeling when left, and your h seems more stable.
In time you will figure out how to play the hand you were given.
So how are you living life with a bigger spoon ?
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Overall though, what do you do with a losing hand in a game that goes on and on?
That's truly a tough one. You need to ask yourself some very hard questions.
I think that the assumption that this will just keep dragging on is correct. I say this though from a point of view that has limited information and knowledge.
You certainly are appearing to be considering the path of the WAS. Is this "right"? Is this "wrong"? I can't judge you on that. No one can.
What I see from the outside is a woman who has given up on her M a long time ago. Even when he shows some signs of emergence you generally sound too beaten down by everything to muster any amount of enthusiasm for it.
In the classic WAW scenario as I understand it, they often have things planned out quite well and just wait for a trigger event like the kids graduating high school to set them loose. This does raise the question - what ARE you waiting for? What is the cost to you, your boys and yes, to your H if you just cut him loose? What are the benefits to each of the actors in this production? It sounds cold perhaps but I do have a tendency to be methodical and logical about things.
I have no idea if this is helpful or not. I hope so in that it may get you thinking about where your path is and what destination you are heading for.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You are in a very tough spot HaWho. I faced a similar dilemma before my H pulled the trigger and served me with D papers.
The dilemma as I saw it was either leave the relationship because it was becoming increasingly difficult to live with someone so deep in the tunnel and consequently lose time with my S (who is 2 years old) or stay and suck it up b/c, hey, at least I get my S 100% of the time.
Perhaps look into your jurisdiction and find out exactly how much time you would be losing with your children. In my jurisdiction, when the child reaches 13, they are generally able to choose which parent they want to live with. If your jurisdiction has a similar set up maybe that can help you formulate a timeframe and a more detailed plan?
Sending you lots of hugs and support regardless of what you choose.
