TO, I follow your sitch because your pain is so palpable, it breaks my heart, and I wish I had more to offer. I can't go back in time, but during my post-BD when my H was off with OW, I should have posted here and asked for support/advice. You have the strongest posters here in your corner--please just try and take it in. I know it's hard when you are so devastated and fearful. I remember the raw emotions and hopelessness like it was yesterday.

I heard a podcast recently--it is a radioshow about relationships--and they discussed the increase in male infidelity when a woman is pregnant or has young children. The takehome messages that I got were: 1. it is the hardest and most vulnerable time for women because their entire focus (biologically as well) is to protect their nest. 2. Men may feel threatened by the loss of attention, as W has to (of course) take care of children, 3. Men have an increased fear of losing control of their life/future and more impulses to flee.

Not saying that any of that makes a difference to you, because it hurts all the same, but I share it in hopes that you will see that this is HIS process and inability to cope. You do not have to change or be perfect for him. He fell in love with you and married you because of who YOU are. Not everyone can handle M and the obstacles that come over time, and unfortunately he is showing you he cannot, but this is not a reflection of you. Your behavior and choices are the reflection of you. I couldn't see that back then but I see it clearly now.

I see you spinning and asking the same questions. You don't quite seem to know what to do or how to act around him. I struggled terribly to DB around my H and we had to see each other often because of the kids. There were two things that helped me not show him my emotional/infuriated self and that guided my actions. The first was being the good neighbor and the second was pretending we have been amicably divorced for several years.

So I allowed myself to pretend that I was one of these two things whenever I saw him or had to interact with him. In both of those Rs--with a neighbor or XH--it would be appropriate to be matter of fact, polite, and detached in interactions. If it's not something you can imagine someone doing or saying with the neighbor, then don't do or say it. It feels unnatural and takes some acting skills, but it does get easier with practice. ... It also started to confuse him (or so I thought) because he could no longer get in my head....

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela