The idea that she is trying to sort out what she wants is funny to me since we are in a marriage and in this together and decisions should be made together or at the very least discussed together.
That is in a healthy marriage. You seem to keep getting that mixed up with the sitch you're in now, which is a quickly deteriorating marriage. This is a completely different situation, mostly driven by the WAS. Legally it only takes one to divorce, it is rarely a team effort.
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I know my personality well and have done a professional personalty profile before, so I am well aware of how to listen. The issue is getting her to talk.
You claim you know how to listen, but what I see you doing here is just getting super defensive. I've seen several others mention it to you as well. You always deny it, which in itself is a form of not listening, because you are dismissing all the advice you're given unless it matches up with your opinion. I wish you could step out of your shoes and read the things you write from someone else's perspective. Someone posted a blurb the other day that was awesome, I can't remember who, Ginger maybe, but she said "Listen to understand, don't listen to respond". You are verrrrry guilty of the latter. Hey I get it, I was that way too. I'm a lot better at listening now, and it has made my relationships much stronger.
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but here it is and please let me know what I absolutely shouldn't say
Well, first of all I wouldn't read anything to her. Because if you're sitting there with her reading a letter to her, it just doesn't look/ sound genuine. If you want to say those things to her then memorize them. Second, again this is supposed to be about you LISTENING to her, not just preaching to her (no matter how well-intentioned). So if you're going to have a talk, then plan on doing a lot of listening and validating. Did you read the validation thread? That's what I thought. Go read it.
