Wife moved to parents on opposite coast #4

[Cali08]

Do NOT tell her her faults. What on earth can that accomplish?

She knows her part and what she has contributed OR she will.

And IF that never happens for real, like if she'd never look within or ever care about her own role, then you'll be wasting time telling her anyhow, and it will NOT help you be remembered in a good light.

You telling her the faults you see in her, now right after getting the papers is the LAST thing you should do now. It'll look petulant.

As you know, I own part but not the bulk of my marital demise. I filed for D but felt I had to.

A few of h's behaviors are indisputably over the line deal breakers, yet HE blames me. I know some will say "oh that's guilt" but I'm not sure. POINT BEING, if he were to meet me somewhere and want to talk about our m, the only thing I'd be there to hear, is his apology and maybe some insights he has worked on that matter to ME.


Now, if he wants to tell me calmly, how I hurt him, and maybe how that might have affected his choices, I would listen but that's different. That is him talking about his pain.

You can tell her this ordeal is a painful but productive learning experience and you are moving forward finding peace from it in some ways (not the way you'd LIKE to learn peace, etc) and
Point is, please, do NOT tell her what is the matter with her. I'm convinced that is a problem in the marriage and it's not what you want her to recall in this last chat.


Own your stuff and trust that in time, she will own her own. IN fact, your growth & changes are the most likely motivator for her to look within & change


Naming her flaws is not a husband's job. I think that's really a teaching point for you that I'm not sure you believe. (Gosh please see an IC b/c you are going thru a lot and seem very cerebral about it. This is a problem you have glossed over when you write here and then resist the advice b/c you think we don't get your points, but maybe you are missing ours.)

I am not sure if you have said "I feel - and then named an emotion.

Have you? do you admit when you feel Fear of rejection or hurt, lonely, etc?

OR do you say "I feel...(insert opinion/thought/ belief, which are not emotions!)...

When you own your stuff, please, please take the advice I've given you 3-4 times now.

Name a few specific behaviors you regret & would change, so she can imagine that life with you would be better and different. Like you get it. Paint the picture for her.

As for the divorce papers, you can tell her that it's only a piece of paper, but you'll be moving on, keeping in touch and wishing her the best...

you have places to go, people to see, things to do, 'good luck with your life, give my best to your parents"

ETC

No complaints, no whining, just all strength and honor so NO REGRETS LATER on your end

you can always complain at her, later...but you cannot recreate a chance to just lay your heart open from a place of vulnerable, strength.

You can still plant the seeds.

Leave her with an image of a man only a fool would leave.

These are all great points, but if you read carefully what I said you will see that I didn't say I was going to do it.
I said I will have to stop myself from doing it, which won't be a problem. I have been busy writing out a letter that I will read to her. It's probably to long, but it's beside the point now. Just so you know it has nothing to do with the issues I see with her. It is a little jumbled I feel, but it is because I am trying to hurry to type it out before I fly in a few hours. I guess I can post it up. It's a very rough draft and I will whittle it down.

[Cali08]

You wrote

The one thing I will have to stop myself from doing is telling her about her faults too.
Although, I feel she needs to hear some of the things I had to deal with her because it isn't all my fault. It always takes two.

so what? Are you crossing the country to tell your wife, the love of your life, how it's not all your fault? Only time will show her this.

if you say it, she will delay learning it or maybe even block it out b/c you hurt her and in her mind, the rejection she felt for so long is not making her ripe for your feedback about her flaws.

You are really missing a chunk of what your mission is now...you're not there to make things even, you're not there to bring her down a notch to be on a level playing field

I will tell her the same things I have before,

Why?? These things kept you guys apart, and now she's filed for divorce, so doing the exact same negative things again, expecting different results is a pattern of yours, so please -no no no

but she will probably say they are exactly just that, I'm just repeating it again. She said she can't trust that I will change and or I will only change for a little while.

Wow, she is being so clear with you. And yet you think it's important to (your ego) tell her what you think her problems are?

Come on Cali, you know better in your heart and your head. It's pride that is driving you and you're hurt b/c she filed.

The biggest motivator to get your wife to miss you, is to show your attributes, not your critical nature or judgement.

I already replied to this and again I never said I was actually going to tell her faults. I am speaking my mind here and that is all. It's how I work with in this forum. What I mean by telling her the same things again is discussing the known problems and the changes I have made and the changes that need to be made. This is how she responds to this. I don't know of any other way to talk about it then this.

[Cali08]

These are a bunch of tired jumbled thoughts, but here it is and please let me know what I absolutely shouldn't say. I lot of this is geared directly towards what she text my buddies wife I few days ago. It has others things mixed in and some of which I copied from other things I found when trying to write a letter to her so some of it may not be my exact words, but anyway these are the things I want to get across to her below



I know I said I was going to write you a long time ago and I have many times. Nothing ever seemed to be good enough or really making me feel like it properly expressed how I feel about you.

I’m not here to question your decision and I accept it. I’m here so we can be face to face and you can see me telling you how I feel and I wanted to see you because you are all that is important to me! Natalie you were the best choice I have ever made in my life and I feel extremely sorry for us both because this will be the biggest mistake for us both, but I accept it and I will step aside for her new life. Looking back at how we started out and I can’t help but smile. We are such a good match and I cherished all of our time together. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of things of focused on things that ultimately didn’t matter and I see that now. I loved everything about you. You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I had said this before and it is still true to this day. The more I looked at you the more beautiful you became. My passion for you isn’t lost and never has been. I was afraid of the things happening to you and thought so much about your health that I was scared to make love to you. I hated seeing you hurt more than anything and it was constantly on my mind.

I know you feel that I never put you first, but you were always first in my mind and I would do anything for you. I wish I would have moved to the East Coast from the start. I wish I would have trained less and went to the gym less like I am now. I wish I would have planned to go on dates with you every week. I should have talked to you about how our weeks would play out and made time for us. These were simple changes I should have made from the get go. I want you to know I was getting there and realizing this as our marriage declined, which I refused to believe. I just couldn’t imagine our love for each other could end, especially in the way it is. I wanted nothing more than to live this life and explore the world with you. I wanted so badly to be home with you and not be on the road working anymore. I felt trapped in my job and I still do. I felt bad every time you brought up the fact that I went away for work, but I needed to be able to provide. This was something I believed was a major part of a marriage, but I now know that it is a part of it, but not everything.

I had the strongest urge to provide for you and I wanted us to have the best life together. I wanted to be able to provide the life were we could travel and see things together. I know that we went to see my family in Washington many times and I never meant for that to be more important than seeing your family. I love your family and I really wanted to have the closeness with them that we have with my family. It’s important to me that we have a close family on both sides that I have known growing up. Family means everything and you were the start of mine. I know you think that I didn’t want to have kids, but that has never been further from the truth. I looked forward to starting a family with you when you were ready. I really did feel that it was up to you when we would start that family and every time you changed your mind about it made me feel like I should put less and less pressure on you about it. This was my fault for not talking to you about this.

My communication skills were not what they needed to be and I had to learn and I still had a long way to go. I have made leaps in my understanding of this through all of our time away from each other. I was blind to a lot of things, yes I know you told me things, but I couldn’t see how I needed to see it. I wanted to be able to share things with you, but it was something I have never done with anyone and it was hard for me to do, but I see the error in this and wish I could have just opened my mouth and talked to you.

This is also something that I have learned to do and what I am doing now. I was stubborn and realize now that how stubborn I was being. I wish I would have listen more clearly to your love languages. I know now how I needed to love and show you love so clearly that it hurts me to know how I went about loving you.

I also feel that you believe our different backgrounds were an issue, but it isn’t. I want to learn about how you grew up and I know how fun it could be for me to meet your friends, family and learn of your past experiences. I love the differences we had and I feel that it made us special as a couple. You were awesome in learning about my background and I got caught up in loving showing you mine so much that I wasn’t thinking about how much you wanted to share yours.

I also wanted you to know how much I always appreciated how you would get all dressed up for me when I returned home from work and I was never able to express it correctly to you because I was stubborn. You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on and I was absolutely winning the jackpot when you agreed to marry me!

I am a man of determination and know what I need to do is clear and the changes I have made are real. It has nothing to do with me being someone I am not, but it’s about being a better version of myself. I make these changes for myself now, but wish I could have learned to do them sooner.

We have been through a lot together, which I always cherished and I had hoped we would go through much more. I don’t want our old relationship back. I want a new one, a happier one, one we grow old together in our rocking chairs. The things I have learned and the changes I have made from this are real and rather they will be in a relationship with you or not they will make me a better person.

I have learnt a lot about myself these last few months. I believe that from intense complexities, simplicity and understanding can be born. The complexity of losing you, has taken me back to the simplicity of being the man you loved.

That said, those things we believe in and more importantly the very things that touch our hearts are the things we should fight, change and strive for! I have reached down to the core and found that hidden hunger for excellence that has lurked inside of me, now it’s time to let it surface.

By taking a stand to defy the odds, defy my own insecurities, and the conventional wisdom that has failed me so miserably. I believe, “sometimes we make the right decision, and sometimes we have to make the decision right”... To genuinely create change in my life, rescue this relationship, and turn it around – requires me to articulate the underlying problem that’s causing the friction. It’s about looking at the assets and the liabilities... basically the things that work well and the things that may not work so well.

I used to think you didn’t always talk to me? But “I guess the real question is, why won’t I hear you” I became rigid and forgot how to relate to you in a way that works, for which I’m sorry for.

I know you'll find it hard to believe me if I tell you how much you mean to me. I could hardly understand the immense ways in which I feel for you, knowing how to endure those long sleepless nights just thinking only of you. I've never been like this before. I just don't know how to pour out my feelings for you. I try but sometimes I believe I am making a complete fool out of myself which seems to be the norm when it comes to the affairs of the heart. I wanted to find the perfect words to make you realize how much I need you and love you, but words continue to elude me, what would they be? Maybe something poetic? I'm sure it should be heartfelt and out of the ordinary. I'm afraid it's no use; every time I look at you, the words came out the same I simply love and adore you!

Neither you nor me are devoid of redeeming values no matter how frustrating we are or were at times. What I hope u will do is focus on our positive qualities, even if u got to turn back the clock in your mind and remembering the early stages of our relationship – remembering again the very things that attracted and inspired admiration in one another. Maybe it was something physical, or maybe it had to do with ones personality or behavior. Whatever it was, there was something that caused you to reach out to me and in turn allow me to reach out to you. Without question, our relationship, the ways in which I feel for you, make it the most emotionally charged part of my life. The place where I have the greatest personal stake! Through my own negative attitude at times, I have unconsciously brought about everything I most feared and wanted to eliminate.

It astonishes me how the most normal, intelligent people can resort to most stupid things sometimes when dealing with the people they claim to love. I know I find this side of me distasteful and face up to that.

Simply and to the point...I messed up, I love you, miss you and hope we can patch up the strings!I’m sorry for any hurt I’ve ever caused you, you the love of my life

Can you tell me what you being first would look like? I want to know as best you can tell me so I know what my mistakes are and I won’t repeat them. What did you mean when you would text me that you were thinking about me? What did you expect out of me when telling me this?

[AnotherStander]

The idea that she is trying to sort out what she wants is funny to me since we are in a marriage and in this together and decisions should be made together or at the very least discussed together.

That is in a healthy marriage. You seem to keep getting that mixed up with the sitch you're in now, which is a quickly deteriorating marriage. This is a completely different situation, mostly driven by the WAS. Legally it only takes one to divorce, it is rarely a team effort.

I know my personality well and have done a professional personalty profile before, so I am well aware of how to listen. The issue is getting her to talk.

You claim you know how to listen, but what I see you doing here is just getting super defensive. I've seen several others mention it to you as well. You always deny it, which in itself is a form of not listening, because you are dismissing all the advice you're given unless it matches up with your opinion. I wish you could step out of your shoes and read the things you write from someone else's perspective. Someone posted a blurb the other day that was awesome, I can't remember who, Ginger maybe, but she said "Listen to understand, don't listen to respond". You are verrrrry guilty of the latter. Hey I get it, I was that way too. I'm a lot better at listening now, and it has made my relationships much stronger.

but here it is and please let me know what I absolutely shouldn't say

Well, first of all I wouldn't read anything to her. Because if you're sitting there with her reading a letter to her, it just doesn't look/ sound genuine. If you want to say those things to her then memorize them. Second, again this is supposed to be about you LISTENING to her, not just preaching to her (no matter how well-intentioned). So if you're going to have a talk, then plan on doing a lot of listening and validating. Did you read the validation thread? That's what I thought. Go read it.

[MoveFrwd]

I’m not here to question your decision and I accept it. I’m here so we can be face to face and you can see me telling you how I feel and I wanted to see you because you are all that is important to me! N, you were the best choice I have ever made in my life and I feel extremely sorry for us both because this will be the biggest mistake for us both, but I accept it and I will step aside for her new life.

I havent read everything, but I wanted to share with you the 'mantra' that I got from my DB coach.

"I dont agree that divorce is the solution to our problems, but I love and respect you enough to accept it if that is what you choose."

(I may have gotten the end a little wrong. Sorry!)

Focus on these words as opposed to telling her she is making a mistake, I think.

[Coconut]

I need to start by saying that I think this is a bad idea, but not going to harp on that. Just want to say that a lot of this is better shown than said, but I realize it’s difficult with you two being so far apart.

Here are a couple of suggestions:

I know you feel that I never put you first, but you were always first in my mind and I would do anything for you.

Never use “but” when validating feelings, “I know you feel that I never put you first, and I understand how much feeling that way must of hurt you”

I wish I would have moved to the East Coast from the start. I wish I would have trained less and went to the gym less like I am now. I wish I would have planned to go on dates with you every week. I should have talked to you about how our weeks would play out and made time for us.

I’ve realized that I was caught up in my own activities and failed to include you in them, or find new activities that we could do together. Often times I got caught up in reaching a destination, and I now realize that I was missing out on the Journey with you.

These were simple changes I should have made from the get go. I want you to know I was getting there and realizing this as our marriage declined, which I refused to believe. I just couldn’t imagine our love for each other could end, especially in the way it is. I wanted nothing more than to live this life and explore the world with you. I wanted so badly to be home with you and not be on the road working anymore. I felt trapped in my job and I still do. I felt bad every time you brought up the fact that I went away for work, but I needed to be able to provide. This was something I believed was a major part of a marriage, but I now know that it is a part of it, but not everything.
I had the strongest urge to provide for you and I wanted us to have the best life together. I wanted to be able to provide the life were we could travel and see things together.

There are an awful lot of I's in this...

My communication skills were not what they needed to be and I had to learn and I still had a long way to go. I have made leaps in my understanding of this through all of our time away from each other. I was blind to a lot of things, yes I know you told me things, but I couldn’t see how I needed to see it. I wanted to be able to share things with you, but it was something I have never done with anyone and it was hard for me to do, but I see the error in this and wish I could have just opened my mouth and talked to you.

I’ve thought a lot about things you have said in the past, trying to tell me how you felt, and why I didn’t recognize it when you were reaching out to me. I have spent a lot of time reflecting, I’ve realized that my ability to communicate with you about your feelings, and understand that you were trying to reach out to me, was been very limited. I’ve been reading books on communication, and am amazed at what I’ve been able to learn in such a short time, and am continuing to improve my communication skills.

I also feel that you believe our different backgrounds were an issue, but it isn’t.

Ok, flat out telling her she is wrong is not going to help at all.

I am a man of determination and know what I need to do is clear and the changes I have made are real. It has nothing to do with me being someone I am not, but it’s about being a better version of myself. I make these changes for myself now.

You have to show this, you cannot just tell her, she won’t believe it anyway. Besides, if it’s for yourself, why even tell her?

By taking a stand to defy the odds, defy my own insecurities, and the conventional wisdom that has failed me so miserably. I believe, “sometimes we make the right decision, and sometimes we have to make the decision right”... To genuinely create change in my life, rescue this relationship, and turn it around – requires me to articulate the underlying problem that’s causing the friction. It’s about looking at the assets and the liabilities... basically the things that work well and the things that may not work so well.

If you’re going to do this, it needs to be authentic, real and from the heart… Do you normally speak this way?

What I hope u will do is focus on our positive qualities, even if u got to turn back the clock in your mind and remembering the early stages of our relationship – remembering again the very things that attracted and inspired admiration in one another. Maybe it was something physical, or maybe it had to do with ones personality or behavior. Whatever it was, there was something that caused you to reach out to me and in turn allow me to reach out to you.

In DB, your job is to show her that person, not ask her to remember them.

Can you tell me what you being first would look like? I want to know as best you can tell me so I know what my mistakes are and I won’t repeat them. What did you mean when you would text me that you were thinking about me? What did you expect out of me when telling me this?

Again, you need to be that person, not ask her to tell you how to be that person. Look, if you can’t do it without her asking, why would she find that attractive, and why would you want to go through life doing everything another person tells you.

[25yearsmlc]

I lack the time to reply well

but do not fly out there to READ to her! OMG no...no...

it's a face to face, heart to heart - if you are lucky.

If you want to write to her (again) then just mail the long long letter and pay her to read all of that, b/c I could barely read it and I'm rooting for you.

Here is something You do not understand Cali



** you write too much. Way too much. It's NOT helping you. Stop doing it. **

[25yearsmlc]

Okay so you were tired when you wrote this. So I know you are not bound and determined to write or say all this...please do not write it, and certainly do not then read it to her.

I see this as just a letter to persuade someone that you are right and what they are doing is wrong/mistaken, and or based on inaccurate information -all of which is a form of argument.

I thought you just wanted to tell her how you feel & and to own your part. IF so, apologize for your mistakes and say if you had it all to do again, there are lots of things you'd do differently.


Most of this reads like you telling her your thoughts ("I know..." is in this a lot, and how she misunderstood your intentions.)

These are a bunch of tired jumbled thoughts, but here it is and please let me know what I absolutely shouldn't say. I lot of this is geared directly towards what she text my buddies wife I few days ago.

understood. But she already wanted to file then, so I'm not sure the intelligence and data gathered, is valuable.

-


I know I said I was going to write you a long time ago and I have many times. Nothing ever seemed to be good enough or really making me feel like it properly expressed how I feel about you.

totally unecessary^^^^

I’m not here to question your decision and I accept it.

if you accepted it, this letter would be a paragraph or two. Don't undermine your own words with yet more words.


I’m here so we can be face to face and you can see me telling you how I feel and I wanted to see you because you are all that is important to me!

I'm going to slash through the parts that are argumentative or, unnecessary, or just about your wants. No offense, Cali.

Natalie you were the best choice I have ever made in my life and I feel extremely sorry for us both because this will be the biggest mistake for us both, but I accept it and I will step aside for her new life. Looking back at how we started out and I can’t help but smile. We are such a good match and

I cherished all of our time together. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of things of focused on things that ultimately didn’t matter and I see that now. I loved everything about you. You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I had said this before and it is still true to this day. The more I looked at you the more beautiful you became.


you refer to her looks more than any other aspect that you "love" about her. It's not a trusted aspect b/c she will age like all of us do. Plus it sounds superficial. Plus the "somewhere along the way I lost sight of..." is so vague I can't even tell what you are saying would be specifically different.

You have to tell her what you love about her that is HER and that will last. Not her looks or her body or something she can no longer do or be.

My passion for you isn’t lost and never has been. I was afraid of the things happening to you and thought so much about your health that I was scared to make love to you. I hated seeing you hurt more than anything and it was constantly on my mind.

^^^^*Wish I had shown this more.**

I know you feel that I never put you first, but you were always first in my mind and I would do anything for you. I wish I would have *had* moved to the East Coast from the start. I wish I would have *had* trained less and went to the gym less like I am now.


I wish I would have *had* ((Cali - this is a grammar thing that makes me nuts, sorry))

planned to go on dates with you every week. I should have talked to you about how our weeks would play out and made time for us. These were simple changes I should have made from the get go. I want you to know I was getting there and realizing this as our marriage declined, which I refused to believe. I just couldn’t imagine our love for each other could end, especially in the way it is.

I wanted nothing more than to live this life and explore the world with you. I wanted so badly to be home with you and not be on the road working anymore. I felt trapped in my job and I still do. I felt bad every time you brought up the fact that I went away for work, but I needed to be able to provide. This was something I believed was a major part of a marriage, but I now know that it is a part of it, but not everything.

**Cali ^^ this is you saying you are "mostly right", that you are still trapped by your job so, & a few date nights is what you guys need. Admit you felt trapped by your job and are changing that. Period.


I had the strongest urge to provide for you and I wanted us to have the best life together. I wanted to be able to provide the life were we could travel and see things together. I know that we went to see my family in Washington many times and I never meant for that to be more important than seeing your family. I love your family and I really wanted to have the closeness with them that we have with my family. It’s important to me that we have a close family on both sides that I have known growing up. Family means everything and you were the start of mine. I know you think that I didn’t want to have kids, but that has never been further from the truth.

^^^this is all about you and what you wanted and how you "know" what she thinks/feels, how mistaken she is, etc.

I looked forward to starting a family with you when you were ready. I really did feel that it was up to you when we would start that family and every time you changed your mind about it made me feel like I should put less and less pressure on you about it. This was my fault for not talking to you about this.

"and 'every time you changed your mind it made me feel like..." Cali, come on...

My communication skills were not what they needed to be and I had to learn and I still had a long way to go. I have made leaps in my understanding of this through all of our time away from each other. I was blind to a lot of things, yes I know you told me things, but I couldn’t see how I needed to see it. I wanted to be able to share things with you, but it was something I have never done with anyone and it was hard for me to do, but I see the error in this and wish I could have just opened my mouth and talked to you.

This is also something that I have learned to do and what I am doing now. I was stubborn and realize now that how stubborn I was being. I wish I would have listen more clearly to your love languages. I know now how I needed to love and show you love so clearly that it hurts me to know how I went about loving you.


Cali, Just say what you ^^^mean. Don't make it about your pain, in not loving her well.


I also feel that you believe our different backgrounds were an issue, but it isn’t.

Cali, this^^ translates to "w, I know your thoughts and here is another mistaken belief you have^^^..."


I want to learn about how you grew up and I know how fun it could be for me to meet your friends, family and learn of your past experiences. I love the differences we had and I feel that it made us special as a couple. You were awesome in learning about my background and I got caught up in loving showing you mine so much that I wasn’t thinking about how much you wanted to share yours.

if she brings up how you only wanted to show her your side of the family, admit you were selfish and stop putting a good spin on it. Own it with a sentence and move on.



I also wanted you to know how much I always appreciated how you would get all dressed up for me when I returned home from work and I was never able to express it correctly to you because I was stubborn. You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on and I was absolutely winning the jackpot when you agreed to marry me!

okay so are you saying she needed words of affirmation and you wouldn't give them to her? If so, is that really stubbornness on your part?

Seems like It's withholding and you have to dig deep to figure out why you'd refrain from giving her something you knew she needed'

did you think she'd take you for granted or you'd be 'Spoiling" her or she did not deserve in or what? B/c words of affirmation are the easiest love language to give and yet often the most lacking. I was guilty of with holding them in my resentful years of h's early medical career. Long story, but I learned a lesson for sure. Rewarding our spouses is so much more effective than holding back.

Also - with the beauty emphasis, which is thus far the only quality of hers I've seen you list, Add something like how thoughtful it was of her to show you your value to her.


I am a man of determination and know what I need to do is clear and the changes I have made are real.

It has nothing to do with me being someone I am not, but it’s about being a better version of myself. I make these changes for myself now, but wish I could have learned to do them sooner.

We have been through a lot together, which I always cherished and I had hoped we would go through much more. I don’t want our old relationship back. I want a new one, a happier one, one we grow old together in our rocking chairs. The things I have learned and the changes I have made from this are real and rather they will be in a relationship with you or not they will make me a better person.


I have learnt a lot about myself these last few months. I believe that from intense complexities, simplicity and understanding can be born. The complexity of losing you, has taken me back to the simplicity of being the man you loved.

this^^ is speech making for a college paper. It's not emotional or authentic sounding.


That said, those things we believe in and more importantly the very things that touch our hearts are the things we should fight, change and strive for! I have reached down to the core and found that hidden hunger for excellence that has lurked inside of me, now it’s time to let it surface.

WTF?

By taking a stand to defy the odds, defy my own insecurities, and the conventional wisdom that has failed me so miserably. I believe, “sometimes we make the right decision, and sometimes we have to make the decision right”... To genuinely create change in my life, rescue this relationship, and turn it around – requires me to articulate the underlying problem that’s causing the friction. It’s about looking at the assets and the liabilities... basically the things that work well and the things that may not work so well.

I used to think you didn’t always talk to me? But “I guess the real question is, why won’t I hear you” I became rigid and forgot how to relate to you in a way that works, for which I’m sorry for.

this can stay^^^

I know you'll find it hard to believe me if I tell you how much you mean to me. I could hardly understand the immense ways in which I feel for you, knowing how to endure those long sleepless nights just thinking only of you. I've never been like this before.

I just don't know how to pour out my feelings for you. I try but sometimes I believe I am making a complete fool out of myself which seems to be the norm when it comes to the affairs of the heart. I wanted to find the perfect words to make you realize how much I need you and love you, but words continue to elude me, what would they be? Maybe something poetic? I'm sure it should be heartfelt and out of the ordinary. I'm afraid it's no use; every time I look at you, the words came out the same I simply love and adore you!


Neither you nor me are devoid of redeeming values no matter how frustrating we are or were at times.


What??? Cali, where are you going with all this^^? Drop the speech making. It's so NOT moving. IF I got this from my soon to be x, I'd say "wow, he still doesn't get it".


What I hope u will do is focus on our positive qualities, even if u got to turn back the clock in your mind and remembering the early stages of our relationship – remembering again the very things that attracted and inspired admiration in one another. Maybe it was something physical, or maybe it had to do with ones personality or behavior. Whatever it was, there was something that caused you to reach out to me and in turn allow me to reach out to you. Without question, our relationship, the ways in which I feel for you, make it the most emotionally charged part of my life. The place where I have the greatest personal stake! Through my own negative attitude at times, I have unconsciously brought about everything I most feared and wanted to eliminate.

It astonishes me how the most normal, intelligent people can resort to most stupid things sometimes when dealing with the people they claim to love. I know I find this side of me distasteful and face up to that.


face up to what? If you mistreated her, SAY SO.


Simply and to the point...I messed up, I love you, miss you and hope we can patch up the strings!I’m sorry for any hurt I’ve ever caused you, you the love of my life

keep most of this^^^. It's super general but it's real. It's easy to read.


Btw, I'm not sure I've seen a single quality of hers written here, other than her attractiveness to you.

How do you feel about that?



Can you tell me what you being first would look like? I want to know as best you can tell me so I know what my mistakes are and I won’t repeat them. What did you mean when you would text me that you were thinking about me? What did you expect out of me when telling me this?

[Holding]

Cali, just wanted to offer some support for your sitch. I'm sure it must have crushed you to get served right before you're about to go on your trip. It certainly crushed me to read it.

Try to be positive and show her the best you. Best wishes!

[AnotherStander]

I've been watching 25 edit people's letters for years and it still amazes me. She has a special gift for cutting through the useless and harmful stuff and highlighting the parts that really work. Take her comments to heart, it's awesome stuff.