WAS OR WHAT 10

[roist]

Thanks coly & sbj.

The lows help us appreciate the highs more.

Over the last six months my focus was primarily on other stuff but every now and again I put a little effort into improving my knowledge and hence adapting/tweaking my approach with W. That is why I read three books recently. I will take learnings from all three, mix them with what I do already and enhance my approach.

I have a few delicate balancing acts that are not easy to perfect. I don't stress about that anymore. I do my best. If I fail, it is not a loss. Those balancing acts are:
# detaching yet remaining attached. I have not fully detached but I think I can readily accept either outcome. At some points it is harder to be attachedthan detached!!Here everyone is encouraged to detach. People forget that it is the outcome you should detach from most of all. Detachment is not easy to achieve but is essential. In most cases here it is better to fully detach. I feel my situation is an exception. Feel free to contradict my opinion.
# show W I do not need her versus wanting to be with her. Early on I did a lot of work to eliminate my need for us to stay together. It was hard but I got there. Once that need is gone, it became a choice to want to stay together. A choice I make consciously and unconsciously each day. The balancing part is demonstrating to W my independence and unneedinesswhilst not becoming cold nor distant. Early on I had to fake it.
# accept less than ideal situation as a phase to get through versus not being happy with how things are. I have not settled for less. I am accepting less for now. I deserve more. I will have more. In the meantime I accept without resentment where we are. My W is giving all she can at the moment.Believing that helps me put aside my needs and desires temporarily.
# giving space versus building connection. My W is available to me every evening. If I am OK with TV/series/DVD that is often how we spend our small window of time after kids are in bed. I am often tired so that is OK but I want more. That is not living. So some evenings I have other stuff to do first, or for most of the evening. It is not easy to judge how much space and how much together time W prefers, so I do what works best for me whilst remaining considerate. W appears to wait for me so we can do nothing together on the couch!! Together I like, doing nothing I like less. But slowly I am introducing small stuff we could do together and more often than not W is up for it.
# supporting silence versus fruitless conversation. I have a simple solution to silent treatment, I go get busy. It is often just before I get up to leave that W will open up a conversation. She seems to sence my imminent departure. I don't prefer to do stuff alone but it beats feeling alone together. Sometimes I do chip away to try engage a conversation but mostly it is better to not pers8st unless she is receptive.
# being attracted and being repulsed by her. Every day there are moments I genuinely see great things about my W. In those moments she is beautiful and great. Everyday I also see her lost soul and distant interactions. That person is not someone I want to be with. I look for the former as much as possible and ignore the latter as much as possible. My W has her own inner battle raging. I am rooting for the former! I am lucky that at least once a day there is a moment that I am in awe of my W and see why I stand. That moment may only last seconds but still.

OK that is a snapshot of my daily abalancing acts. But tbh it is just how things are and not a head wrecker where I stress to find the best way to navigate this situation.

I will note some stuff I picked up during my recent reading and then will more than likely drop away from my thread again.

Thanks for reading.