These are a bunch of tired jumbled thoughts, but here it is and please let me know what I absolutely shouldn't say. I lot of this is geared directly towards what she text my buddies wife I few days ago. It has others things mixed in and some of which I copied from other things I found when trying to write a letter to her so some of it may not be my exact words, but anyway these are the things I want to get across to her below
I know I said I was going to write you a long time ago and I have many times. Nothing ever seemed to be good enough or really making me feel like it properly expressed how I feel about you.
I’m not here to question your decision and I accept it. I’m here so we can be face to face and you can see me telling you how I feel and I wanted to see you because you are all that is important to me! Natalie you were the best choice I have ever made in my life and I feel extremely sorry for us both because this will be the biggest mistake for us both, but I accept it and I will step aside for her new life. Looking back at how we started out and I can’t help but smile. We are such a good match and I cherished all of our time together. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of things of focused on things that ultimately didn’t matter and I see that now. I loved everything about you. You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I had said this before and it is still true to this day. The more I looked at you the more beautiful you became. My passion for you isn’t lost and never has been. I was afraid of the things happening to you and thought so much about your health that I was scared to make love to you. I hated seeing you hurt more than anything and it was constantly on my mind.
I know you feel that I never put you first, but you were always first in my mind and I would do anything for you. I wish I would have moved to the East Coast from the start. I wish I would have trained less and went to the gym less like I am now. I wish I would have planned to go on dates with you every week. I should have talked to you about how our weeks would play out and made time for us. These were simple changes I should have made from the get go. I want you to know I was getting there and realizing this as our marriage declined, which I refused to believe. I just couldn’t imagine our love for each other could end, especially in the way it is. I wanted nothing more than to live this life and explore the world with you. I wanted so badly to be home with you and not be on the road working anymore. I felt trapped in my job and I still do. I felt bad every time you brought up the fact that I went away for work, but I needed to be able to provide. This was something I believed was a major part of a marriage, but I now know that it is a part of it, but not everything.
I had the strongest urge to provide for you and I wanted us to have the best life together. I wanted to be able to provide the life were we could travel and see things together. I know that we went to see my family in Washington many times and I never meant for that to be more important than seeing your family. I love your family and I really wanted to have the closeness with them that we have with my family. It’s important to me that we have a close family on both sides that I have known growing up. Family means everything and you were the start of mine. I know you think that I didn’t want to have kids, but that has never been further from the truth. I looked forward to starting a family with you when you were ready. I really did feel that it was up to you when we would start that family and every time you changed your mind about it made me feel like I should put less and less pressure on you about it. This was my fault for not talking to you about this.
My communication skills were not what they needed to be and I had to learn and I still had a long way to go. I have made leaps in my understanding of this through all of our time away from each other. I was blind to a lot of things, yes I know you told me things, but I couldn’t see how I needed to see it. I wanted to be able to share things with you, but it was something I have never done with anyone and it was hard for me to do, but I see the error in this and wish I could have just opened my mouth and talked to you.
This is also something that I have learned to do and what I am doing now. I was stubborn and realize now that how stubborn I was being. I wish I would have listen more clearly to your love languages. I know now how I needed to love and show you love so clearly that it hurts me to know how I went about loving you.
I also feel that you believe our different backgrounds were an issue, but it isn’t. I want to learn about how you grew up and I know how fun it could be for me to meet your friends, family and learn of your past experiences. I love the differences we had and I feel that it made us special as a couple. You were awesome in learning about my background and I got caught up in loving showing you mine so much that I wasn’t thinking about how much you wanted to share yours.
I also wanted you to know how much I always appreciated how you would get all dressed up for me when I returned home from work and I was never able to express it correctly to you because I was stubborn. You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on and I was absolutely winning the jackpot when you agreed to marry me!
I am a man of determination and know what I need to do is clear and the changes I have made are real. It has nothing to do with me being someone I am not, but it’s about being a better version of myself. I make these changes for myself now, but wish I could have learned to do them sooner.
We have been through a lot together, which I always cherished and I had hoped we would go through much more. I don’t want our old relationship back. I want a new one, a happier one, one we grow old together in our rocking chairs. The things I have learned and the changes I have made from this are real and rather they will be in a relationship with you or not they will make me a better person.
I have learnt a lot about myself these last few months. I believe that from intense complexities, simplicity and understanding can be born. The complexity of losing you, has taken me back to the simplicity of being the man you loved.
That said, those things we believe in and more importantly the very things that touch our hearts are the things we should fight, change and strive for! I have reached down to the core and found that hidden hunger for excellence that has lurked inside of me, now it’s time to let it surface.
By taking a stand to defy the odds, defy my own insecurities, and the conventional wisdom that has failed me so miserably. I believe, “sometimes we make the right decision, and sometimes we have to make the decision right”... To genuinely create change in my life, rescue this relationship, and turn it around – requires me to articulate the underlying problem that’s causing the friction. It’s about looking at the assets and the liabilities... basically the things that work well and the things that may not work so well.
I used to think you didn’t always talk to me? But “I guess the real question is, why won’t I hear you” I became rigid and forgot how to relate to you in a way that works, for which I’m sorry for.
I know you'll find it hard to believe me if I tell you how much you mean to me. I could hardly understand the immense ways in which I feel for you, knowing how to endure those long sleepless nights just thinking only of you. I've never been like this before. I just don't know how to pour out my feelings for you. I try but sometimes I believe I am making a complete fool out of myself which seems to be the norm when it comes to the affairs of the heart. I wanted to find the perfect words to make you realize how much I need you and love you, but words continue to elude me, what would they be? Maybe something poetic? I'm sure it should be heartfelt and out of the ordinary. I'm afraid it's no use; every time I look at you, the words came out the same I simply love and adore you!
Neither you nor me are devoid of redeeming values no matter how frustrating we are or were at times. What I hope u will do is focus on our positive qualities, even if u got to turn back the clock in your mind and remembering the early stages of our relationship – remembering again the very things that attracted and inspired admiration in one another. Maybe it was something physical, or maybe it had to do with ones personality or behavior. Whatever it was, there was something that caused you to reach out to me and in turn allow me to reach out to you. Without question, our relationship, the ways in which I feel for you, make it the most emotionally charged part of my life. The place where I have the greatest personal stake! Through my own negative attitude at times, I have unconsciously brought about everything I most feared and wanted to eliminate.
It astonishes me how the most normal, intelligent people can resort to most stupid things sometimes when dealing with the people they claim to love. I know I find this side of me distasteful and face up to that.
Simply and to the point...I messed up, I love you, miss you and hope we can patch up the strings!I’m sorry for any hurt I’ve ever caused you, you the love of my life
Can you tell me what you being first would look like? I want to know as best you can tell me so I know what my mistakes are and I won’t repeat them. What did you mean when you would text me that you were thinking about me? What did you expect out of me when telling me this?
