Wife moved to parents on opposite coast #4

[25yearsmlc]

Do NOT tell her her faults. What on earth can that accomplish?

She knows her part and what she has contributed OR she will.

And IF that never happens for real, like if she'd never look within or ever care about her own role, then you'll be wasting time telling her anyhow, and it will NOT help you be remembered in a good light.

You telling her the faults you see in her, now right after getting the papers is the LAST thing you should do now. It'll look petulant.

As you know, I own part but not the bulk of my marital demise. I filed for D but felt I had to.

A few of h's behaviors are indisputably over the line deal breakers, yet HE blames me. I know some will say "oh that's guilt" but I'm not sure. POINT BEING, if he were to meet me somewhere and want to talk about our m, the only thing I'd be there to hear, is his apology and maybe some insights he has worked on that matter to ME.


Now, if he wants to tell me calmly, how I hurt him, and maybe how that might have affected his choices, I would listen but that's different. That is him talking about his pain.

You can tell her this ordeal is a painful but productive learning experience and you are moving forward finding peace from it in some ways (not the way you'd LIKE to learn peace, etc) and
Point is, please, do NOT tell her what is the matter with her. I'm convinced that is a problem in the marriage and it's not what you want her to recall in this last chat.


Own your stuff and trust that in time, she will own her own. IN fact, your growth & changes are the most likely motivator for her to look within & change


Naming her flaws is not a husband's job. I think that's really a teaching point for you that I'm not sure you believe. (Gosh please see an IC b/c you are going thru a lot and seem very cerebral about it. This is a problem you have glossed over when you write here and then resist the advice b/c you think we don't get your points, but maybe you are missing ours.)

I am not sure if you have said "I feel - and then named an emotion.

Have you? do you admit when you feel Fear of rejection or hurt, lonely, etc?

OR do you say "I feel...(insert opinion/thought/ belief, which are not emotions!)...

When you own your stuff, please, please take the advice I've given you 3-4 times now.

Name a few specific behaviors you regret & would change, so she can imagine that life with you would be better and different. Like you get it. Paint the picture for her.

As for the divorce papers, you can tell her that it's only a piece of paper, but you'll be moving on, keeping in touch and wishing her the best...

you have places to go, people to see, things to do, 'good luck with your life, give my best to your parents"

ETC

No complaints, no whining, just all strength and honor so NO REGRETS LATER on your end

you can always complain at her, later...but you cannot recreate a chance to just lay your heart open from a place of vulnerable, strength.

You can still plant the seeds.

Leave her with an image of a man only a fool would leave.