So how about these apples. I literally just got the Divorce papers an hour ago the night before I fly I out to see her! Crazy coincidence, fate, a test from a greater power or a sign. People always interpret it differently.
well, it isn't good news and it hurts. So I will say upfront, it $ucks and I'm really sorry.
As for the trip, it's not like it'll hurt you to go out there and hang with your friend and maybe see if you can 'part ways" in person or say good bye or get closure face to face.
Yes and this is a big reason I had been wanting to go for a long time now, but we will see how things go. She was just texting me today and didn't mention a thing about divorce papers.
She may be really uncomfortable (or even fearful) but you can tell her you are out there with your buddy anyhow, as you wanted to talk at least once, face to face before ending a marriage. (Be prepared for someone in her family to oppose you two meeting due to concerns about violence NOT b/c you are a nut, but b/c of the situation. The day after Div papers a guy flies out, it's concerning). So your back up plan could be to have someone at another table and you guys talk at lunch eye to eye.
This would be absolutely crazy if anyone of them think that! She will have to know that I made the plans to come see her before I got the papers. I had to sign for them so she should know that I got them and I made the flights before it came obviously.
And yes you got the papers but you are not there to argue or to QUESTION her decision so much as to make sure she sees you telling her how you feel (as the written word and b/c you wanted to see her b/c she's so important to you. "The love of your life" etc.
I have never wanted to argue with her and have done very little of that during this whole process. The one thing I will have to stop myself from doing is telling her about her faults too. Although, I feel she needs to hear some of the things I had to deal with her because it isn't all my fault. It always takes two. I will tell her the same things I have before, but she will probably say they are exactly just that, I'm just repeating it again. She said she can't trust that I will change and or I will only change for a little while.
At least act as if you accept it. Act as if you are resigned to it in a way that shows you feel sorry her and you b/c you know it's a mistake, but you accept it graciously stepping aside for her new life.
I do feel it is a mistake and it will be one that she will regret sooner or later. She will need to work on her own issues too so she won't repeat it in her next relationship.
Before I read the latest post of yours (getting the D papers) I wanted to ask you this and I still will ask.
What is with the anti marriage people she knows, whom you mention often but deny worrying about?
Are you dancing around something like how a lot of her friends do not support the marriage to you, or marriage in general, or both?
It's both. It's things that she has said and what she has told to my sister and my mother. I am white and she is black and there is definitely a race issue with her friends too. Her brother has made the comment that why she couldn't be with a white guys who was like this..... Basically a white guys has adopted the black culture completely. My father in-law also said that if anyone in the family has an issue with me, because of my color then they have an issue with him. That says a lot right there. A lot of her friends also on things like FaceBook post some pretty racist stuff too as her bother has too.
And why would that be? Have any of them made comments you are sure of, or is it just a feeling?
Other then the things I mentioned it's a feeling everyone here has too.
Cali, you have nothing to lose by digging deep on that question.
From what you have said, it sounds like more than half of her folks and friends are not okay with her being married to you? I do not believe that is because she moved away, unless they believe the move was bad for her.
IN CASE SHE says you never put her first, at least say you wish you had moved back there from the start OR anything else that would have revealed her importance to you, earlier.
This is a good point and I will be sure to make it. Thanks.
Ask her what her being first, would look like. Get as many specifics from her so you "can know what your mistakes were and you won't repeat them in your next R" this^^ will show willingness to shift in a crucial way that I, 25, stubbornly believe was THE main underlying issue, though you make vague allusions to how you did not treat her as if she was important enough, when you were there. I'm just not sure what that means.
More great points here.
I realize that's water under the bridge but man, if that comes up, you cannot argue with her about how she "doesn't really have a supportive system there"
b/c guess what? She says she does. So, she does.
Even if she also says she's only staying in her parents house reading or moping,
I have a feeling she thinks that makes you feel better (she's not out whooping it up) so I don't know if it's true.
I actually believe her. It's a gut feeling for me mainly and because I know my wife. She is an Introvert and did things like this when she lived here too.
But I also don't know if it is relevant to her decision at the moment. She will be divorced and then may feel able to make other choices unencumbered.
Well I am sure she has interested guys in her for sure. Yeah, but who knows what is really going through her mind.
What matters now is that you keep your head while still sharing your feelings, and no one will judge you for feeling hurt at this point. It's not like you have pouted in front of her for years, whining. You're allowed to say it hurts and disappoints, but that you will be alright and you wish her well.
I don't think she cares about how I will be. She completely abandoned for Virginia and never even tried to work it out. She figures I will be just fine and like I said she doesn't care, for one she is still very angry with me and resentful.
So, what are your 2 goals for this trip, now that you have no fear of her filing b/c she already has?
I want to see her face to face and tell her how I feel about everything. The problem with this is she feels we are just repeating the same thing over and over again. She seems pretty such off to me it seem in this regard. She isn't really listening to me or doesn't want to listen to me. I also think after this the only thing I have left to do is the last resort technique, but I'm not really sure how this will work for me in or situation and after the divorce papers have now come. I think that's what she will really want is for me to just go away and not talk to her again, basically dead to her.
