So how about these apples. I literally just got the Divorce papers an hour ago the night before I fly I out to see her! Crazy coincidence, fate, a test from a greater power or a sign. People always interpret it differently.
well, it isn't good news and it hurts. So I will say upfront, it $ucks and I'm really sorry.
As for the trip, it's not like it'll hurt you to go out there and hang with your friend and maybe see if you can 'part ways" in person or say good bye or get closure face to face.
She may be really uncomfortable (or even fearful) but you can tell her you are out there with your buddy anyhow, as you wanted to talk at least once, face to face before ending a marriage. (Be prepared for someone in her family to oppose you two meeting due to concerns about violence NOT b/c you are a nut, but b/c of the situation. The day after Div papers a guy flies out, it's concerning). So your back up plan could be to have someone at another table and you guys talk at lunch eye to eye.
And yes you got the papers but you are not there to argue or to QUESTION her decision so much as to make sure she sees you telling her how you feel (as the written word and b/c you wanted to see her b/c she's so important to you. "The love of your life" etc.
At least act as if you accept it. Act as if you are resigned to it in a way that shows you feel sorry her and you b/c you know it's a mistake, but you accept it graciously stepping aside for her new life.
Before I read the latest post of yours (getting the D papers) I wanted to ask you this and I still will ask.
What is with the anti marriage people she knows, whom you mention often but deny worrying about?
Are you dancing around something like how a lot of her friends do not support the marriage to you, or marriage in general, or both?
And why would that be? Have any of them made comments you are sure of, or is it just a feeling?
Cali, you have nothing to lose by digging deep on that question.
From what you have said, it sounds like more than half of her folks and friends are not okay with her being married to you? I do not believe that is because she moved away, unless they believe the move was bad for her.
IN CASE SHE says you never put her first, at least say you wish you had moved back there from the start OR anything else that would have revealed her importance to you, earlier.
Ask her what her being first, would look like. Get as many specifics from her so you "can know what your mistakes were and you won't repeat them in your next R" this^^ will show willingness to shift in a crucial way that I, 25, stubbornly believe was THE main underlying issue, though you make vague allusions to how you did not treat her as if she was important enough, when you were there. I'm just not sure what that means.
I realize that's water under the bridge but man, if that comes up, you cannot argue with her about how she "doesn't really have a supportive system there"
b/c guess what? She says she does. So, she does.
Even if she also says she's only staying in her parents house reading or moping,
I have a feeling she thinks that makes you feel better (she's not out whooping it up) so I don't know if it's true.
But I also don't know if it is relevant to her decision at the moment. She will be divorced and then may feel able to make other choices unencumbered.
What matters now is that you keep your head while still sharing your feelings, and no one will judge you for feeling hurt at this point. It's not like you have pouted in front of her for years, whining. You're allowed to say it hurts and disappoints, but that you will be alright and you wish her well.
So, what are your 2 goals for this trip, now that you have no fear of her filing b/c she already has?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
