On Higher Ground

[HaWho]

Ownit, Gordie, Job, Roist, Andrew and Bttrfly-thanks so much for the support and all the advice.

In some ways I am thinking about things and in some ways I am not. After the last conversation you'd think I'd be devastated but no. The letter was still the worst thing he's done to me. It'll be hard to top that craziness.

Recently I was thinking about how we are all at different points in this process. I read posts and sometimes think that I remember feeling that same pain in that same exact way. But now realize, hey, I don't feel it that way anymore. Then I read other posts and think I need to get myself to that frame of mind and I set goals.

The recent conversation with h left me thinking the following. I want to have respect for that which I don't understand. I certainly have learned there is so much I don't understand in this world. I truly believe my h is having a MLC.

But I am at this point where, while I maintain compassion for him and whatever is happening to him, I just can't think too much about this all anymore. When someone tells you to mind your own business, stay out of his affairs and he'll stay out of yours, there is no foundation for anything, not even a friendship. It's a losing hand and I can't make that win.

I listened to a good TED talk on depression. The opposite of depression is not happiness but vitality. So true. I see it day in and day out.

As for having compassion for him, he is so clearly confused. It must be awful to live in his mind. He tells me to mind my own business, wears his wedding ring rituously, recently introduced me as his wife and since the most recent conversation avoids my eyes and company completely.

Speaking of the untimely conversation, I am still really shocked that he told me I can rely on him as though he's this real Steady Eddy type. He actually said something like "you know I'll never screw you." Well, no, I certainly do not. Why would I ever think that?!? The warped perception is astounding.

As for decisions about his living arrangements, that is a tough one. If he leaves, I lose time with my kids. Maybe it would help matters overall or maybe it would further mess up my kids? Who knows what life alone with him would be like?!?

He definitely is better now than 2 years ago. Take this with a grain of salt though as the benchmark is he no longer thinks I am trying to murder him. Progress is progress and yet, one should probably see what the starting point was, eh? With the kids he is much, much better. S11 was sick and where a year ago h was cold and bothered by it all, now he stayed with him and cared for him. I do see that we could co-parent together and that is great as I did not feel that 2 years ago.

Overall though, what do you do with a losing hand in a game that goes on and on?