T: Who would want to be with someone with three young kids? You'd be surprised. I've been dating someone for a year and a half who wished for kids all his life and is happy to be part of my family. He even comes to band concerts and karate belt tests, something my kids' dad doesn't always do (often misses). My Guy takes my kids out in the backyard and throws baseballs with them, talks to me about my parenting challenges and is actually really insightful and helpful to me. I gave him a Father's Day card just from me, thanking him for all his help, and it brought tears to his eyes.
Who's going to date someone with three young kids? The guy you deserve, that's who.
Mr. Fantastic turned switches like that whenever he'd had a hook up. I just didn't realize that was what had happened till long after the fact. Your H is more helpful not coming than coming? It's OK to tell him you need space and not to come. I haven't read your whole thread, just enough to get the gist of what's been going on, but it's absolutely imperative that you take good care of yourself. You are the sane parent for your boys. We've already seen that perfectly clearly. Make sure you're able to maintain that. It's going to be a long haul, but once you get past this storm, it's going to be SO MUCH BETTER that you won't even believe you fought for this disrespectful, dishonest, untrustworthy, blame-shifting, self-absorbed guy. I promise you.
With regards to feeling unattractive... here's the other thing that really surprised me. I was 42 when Mr. Fantastic moved out. I felt every minute of it. I probably looked older than 42. But now that he's been away for a while, I look ten years younger. NO JOKE. And I hear this almost daily from strangers. So it's not my mirror lying to me. So how you feel right now, that's temporary. When the storm starts to subside, when you've figured out how to take care of yourself, when you start saying yes to T0324 and no to Mr. Runaway, you'll realize how beautiful you are, and it will start shining out of you. It won't be easy, but it will be so worth it, and you'll be happy.
I fought so hard for my marriage. I promised my daughter "I'll fix this." (That was pretty stupid). I cried buckets for a guy who, now that I have more perspective, was never the guy I gave him credit for being. He played a role till the role required more of him than he wanted to give, and then he decided "this isn't what I want." I never thought I'd be happy like I am. Even when things are tough and I'm feeling overwhelmed, it's worth it.
You'll decide these things in your own time, but I want you to hear a voice of hope, and a cheer of encouragement. This isn't your fault. A man who can build a family with someone and then decide he has an optional role, isn't a man. If you really svcked, he had other options. He's blameshifting onto you because he knows he svcks and he doesn't want to face it, so he's making it your problem (come to think of it, just as he's made caring for everything else in your family's life your problem). He comes over to "help"? No, a father cares for his children. He doesn't stop in like a lazy uncle. None of this is on you. You've more than pulled your weight.
(((((((T0324)))))) You've got this, lady!!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
