Okay Sandi unfortunately it's / 50/50 here and A doesn't matter and also the fact that he's done this before doesn't matter. It was a pretty big sh!t sandwich that I got from the L I met with. Again made me even more think this is not what I want kicking and screaming. But I have to let go.
My dads advice is pretty identical to what you are telling me. Suck it up buttercup. You got f'd yes he's a POS yes he should rot in hell yes he will regret this decision for the rest of his life yes what happened last time is exactly what's going to happen again. He doesn't get why I can't see that. He said it's like he is watching a rerun of the most terrible movie ever released. He said the only time H respects me is when I don't give 2 shits about him. Like last time. He said don't you remember he couldn't stand seeing you happy without him. He wants me to get angry and move on. I get it and I am getting there a little More each day.
I'm a fixer. I want to make everything okay. I just I don't like conflict I just want to deal with the issue and move on rather than sweep it under the rug and drag it out.
I told my dad I just feel hurt and rejected. I feel unattractive as it is and need to pull myself out of this feeling. I think I mentioned before my brother said who would want to be wihth someone with 3 young kids. I have that haunting in my head. He wasn't saying it to be mean I don't believe we have a good relationship but still it was a gut punch.
Every single person in my life says H doesn't deserve me. That he was given the gift of a lifetime to have a second chance and he didn't deserve it.
Like I said before I'm going to enjoy this weekend with the kids I have a big test Monday and a paper due Wednesday. How nice to have those things scedhukes around the holiday weekend. Damn grad school. But I don't need anymore stress so I'm going to take the time to get those things out of the way and live My life Day by day. I have spoke with a L. I am as protected as I am going to be financially. Me setting a schedule or doing anything in the next week is not going to change anything toward the better at this moment it will just add more stress for me so I will suck it up and make plans with the boys and if he chooses to reach out I will decide IF he can join or he can have the kids one day himself. I am dropping expectations of him as a father. He's chosen not to be present UNLESS airs convenience for him. If we go on the boat I will decide if he's invited. It will depend on my mood and what's best for the children. NOT because of what I'm worried he will think or do because he has shown he's going to do whatever he wants.
I did send a text earlier - baby was 15 lbs 3oz 24.5 in long 99 percentile and poor guy got 4 shots. And left it at that... I didn't engage further but I'm going to be the bigger person. I am not going to give him ANY ammunition toward me to paint me to be the person he is convincing himself I am.
So if I can muster up being nice and as if I will. If I'm having a bad day and don't feel like it I won't. But I am going to try my damn best to be the person only a fool would leave. Not by pursuing but just by being the better person. I will not kiss his ass and I will not allow him to do anything to hurt the kids in the meantime. And right now they're okay. They don't really seem to care if he comes by during the week or not. The weekends are where it will be difficult but he was present the entire weekend this last week so we will take it as it comes.
