Here again part 9

[sandi2]

So what does that look like?

Asking H for a schedule? Retaining a L? How do I move forward?

What would you do if he lived across the country? As far as you being able to depend upon him to stick to a schedule.........(and I definitely think he should keep them at his place, not at your place)........well, good luck. Maybe Train and the others have more experience with how to enforce it. I mean, how do you make someone show up on time? Yes, I suggest getting legal counsel.

What does your state do about child custody, if the father walked away or was in an affair? I think many places are 50/50 child custody, regardless of an A. It's awful, and people of my generation are seeing their grandchildren living out of suitcases b/c they are constantly coming or going from one parent to the other. It breaks my heart.

The schedule would allow me to have a set time to plan on him watching the kids if I have things I need to do. It would allow some predictablity for the boys vs him coming by whenever it works for him. HOWEVER I don't see me asking for a s schedule being a positive in H eyes. He will see it as me trying to control the situation. He said in C the woman I used to be was laid back and went with the flow and that since school started I'm not that person

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I can see why someone in your circumstances could become confused, b/c of the amount and maybe various forms of advice. FWIW, it's not just you. A few years ago, I realized a person I had tried to mentor was still applying the initial advice he had been given under different circumstances. Just as with him, I think your circumstances have changed, since your H is trying to buy a house and move his life in a different direction. You have to step up to protect yourself, and the welfare of your children.

Perhaps, it would help if you knew your objective. How can you know what to do if you don't know the objective? You ultimately want to save the M. For now, however, try to put that thought on the back burner, so you can begin to see more clearly what needs to be done at the moment. Let's break down some main objectives, beginning with scheduling.

What is your objective in having a set schedule for the kids? It's b/c it will help you and will be more routine and predictable for the boys. Right? That's all. Don't get distracted by guessing thoughts of your H. You have to let go of all these things you try to control in your H's life. Starting with........what he may think about you asking for a set schedule. Who gives a care what he thinks? That's not the objective. The objective in having a schedule is about what is best for YOU and the boys.........not what's best for H.

The "control" issue is a no win, either way you go. You are either trying to control what he thinks about you.......or you are worried he will think you are being controlling. Confusing, isn't it? So, first step of not controlling is to let go of worrying about his thoughts. He thinks you are controlling? His problem. It's not positive in his eyes? His problem, not yours. You could be perfect, and you would still fall short in the eyes of a wayward spouse! Why? B/c the problem is within themselves, not their LBS. Therefore, if you can be honest with yourself and know you have no hidden agenda and not trying to control anything about your H's life or what he thinks........then don't undertake the burden for his problems.

I guess the schedule would be more about H and the kids THEN me. I see it more as holding him accountable so probably not the right idea right now. I guess I can continue on with my life making plans and if he decides to come around so be it?

Well if it were me, he wouldn't come around whenever HE decided to come! Why would he get to keep those kind of privileges if he has left you? I mean, you've tried playing the one big happy family part.......and last I heard, you were still sleeping with him when he stayed overnight. So, when you have already done those things and he still pushes to leave.........then you need to change directions b/c he just gave up those rights, IMHO. After all, isn't that kind of a relationship called marriage, where the family is doing things together and the parents are sleeping in the same bed? He made his choice, but so far......I haven't seen anything change b/c of it. I know some people might say to continue going that direction, and show him what he's missing. My question is how can he miss it, if he gets to cash in occasionally? Anyway, getting back to what's best for YOU........how can you expect to detach with him coming & going whenever he chooses? Right now, you need to detach for yourself.

This is an example of how you get off track when you start thinking about him. It is not your job to hold him accountable. He is living a separate life from you, and as long as he doesn't break the law or hurt one of the kids.........how are you going to hold him accountable? You can't force him to be a good parent. You can try to not be manipulated or taken advantage of.......and, I guess you could take him to court if he had a track record in not holding up his end of things, but for right now.......just let go of the idea of holding him accountable. Let go in order to free yourself. You don't need to be his arresting officer. Life is too short. (This is not a wayward who is trying to stay in the MR, and trying to earn your trust again).

I struggle with what I'm supposed to do as far as contact. When he was texting last week asking about my day and thanking me I never responded. I guess maybe I should respond to those things?

It seems to be a fine line for the spouse that's left behind. I mean, you could find a reason to text him every single day.........just about the kids. I come the older generation that did not grow up with cell phones. So, my H and I never had the habit of calling each other while on the job......just to see how our day was going. If we called, it was something important. Now days, I don't know how employers get work out of their staff, b/c everyone is texting! I grew up seeing things done quite differently than how things are done today. Anyway, if I were you, I would not respond unless it was about the kids, or business. Having a newborn..........wow......I just had a big lump to come in my throat, remembering my D going through that experience. Tough times. I know it won't be easy, TO, but you can do what you need to do.

As far as telling him about the baby seeing the doctor........was it for a checkup? Maybe say, "Baby's 6 weeks checkup was fine", and leave it at that, unless he asks something directly about the checkup. In the initial detaching, some people have found it helpful to use as few words as possible when texting. When it becomes several sentences......you're talking too much, using too much time, and too much energy.

Is this entirely my fault?

I'm just going to ignore that question.

So H text 'im going to help move again tonight then I will come spend the night' I didn't reply yet ... yes I asked him to stay the night and help but part of me wants to tell him he doesn't need to stay anymore .. any thoughts on this? He doesn't help at all at night. He comes eats dinner works out and sits on the couch and has limited interaction with anyone. He snaps at the boys very easily. I feel like it's more stressful for me for him to be here because I'm so concerned about putting on my happy face and being as if.

So if it doesn't help you, what is your objective in him spending the night? This might be the right time to tell him, "This doesn't really work well on this end, I think we need to consider a schedule for when to have the kids". If he tries to argue, just don't respond. If he come, or if he doesn't........oh well. At least, you've introduced the subject of scheduling, and he'll see that you aren't going to wait around for him to be a popup dad whenever the mood strikes him. Reminds me of the old "Jack in the Box" wind up toy where you never knew when Jack would pop out of the box.