If you kept reading further you would also see that a little later after that she invited me to come see her for the weekend all on her own and it was after I said those things to her.
I've read all of your posts, but I don't remember anything about her inviting you to visit. The closest to that was a comment you made that you were going to make a trip there on business and you were wondering if you should go see her, and ironically you made this comment:
Well it should be in there. I talked about getting a rental car to drive up to see her after she asked me to come. Things started falling apart at work and it pushed me further and further down the time line to get there in time to watch a movie we planned to go to ect ect.... I'll have to go back and look, but if I didn't type it here it is what happened. I have talked about this so much that I could be confusing it with typing it here.
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I want her to want to see me, rather than me forcing myself on her so to speak
That's kind of what you're doing now though- forcing yourself on her. But regardless, and I ask this in all seriousness, where do you see things going if you two do recon? I really don't see her ever moving back with you, she went through depression and anxiety and you were traveling all the time so not there to support her as much as she needed. She moved home to be with her support network, which is clearly extremely important to her. If you truly love and respect her you will not take her away from that lifeline, so are you going to offer to move to her home if you two reconnect? Because even if you do convince her to move back to Cali, do you not see this same scenario playing out all over again?
I'm not thinking that far ahead and looking at things and talking more and more about it I don't believe and either everyone I talk to about it believes that being in California or away from her so called support system (which its not much of one, other than financial) is the real problem. The underlying problem is I didn't love her in the way she needed to be loved and make her feel like she is my priority. I have asked her directly and others have too about being in Cali and her answers are always wish-washy.
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I know my wife well and there are some things that she needs to see from me. One major thing is she needs to see that I put her first. Of course, most of you think that me going there is not about her being first, but me.
Everything you've said makes it sound like you're hoping for some kind of direction from her, you feel like you're in limbo which you've expressed many times that you hate, and you want to do -something- even if it's D (which you've also mentioned several times). Here's the thing- I think she WANTS limbo. She's still trying to sort out what she wants. She is probably missing you, but at the same time she doesn't want to go back to that life. She's unsure how to proceed, so she's stuck in limbo too.
She is still not sure of what she wants that is clear, so I agree she is in some limbo, but we are in this together. I have as much say as she does if I want a divorce too. Just like others I have seen on here where they trade places and now the one that wanted out wants back in, but now the shoes is on the other foot. I think she is afraid to do it and finalize the divorce because she doesn't want to make a mistake, yet she is not willing to try to make it work. This is crazy in my mind. If you truly love me then we work on it, but if you don't then that's your answer.
The idea that she is trying to sort out what she wants is funny to me since we are in a marriage and in this together and decisions should be made together or at the very least discussed together. I understand she doesn't want to go back to the previous relationship and in all honesty either do I. She was perfect in the least and often times just depressing and I this wasn't just because she got depressed either. She has issues she needs to work out there is no doubt and it is the one thing she is ignoring. I am making positive changes, but she isn't which I really don't get either. She has expressed to me many times how messed up she is and if I could help her. I tried to do it in the way I thought was right, but as I know now it wasn't.
You've already planned the trip, so go and see what happens. I honestly don't think anything will change one way or the other until she decides what she wants. But like 25 said, maybe you can plant some seeds if you can show her someone who genuinely LISTENS, VALIDATES and CARES about her. I get the impression from your posts here that you are a talker, and I don't mean that in a negative way, I'm one too. I'm an extrovert and you probably are as well. People like us have a VERY tough time listening, because we just want to interject our thoughts into the convo. We can barely wait until they're done so we can say something. But take it from me, the best thing you can do is shut up and listen. Read the validation thread and sear that into your mind before you go see her. LIVE THAT. Those are the seeds you want to plant- you are a sensitive guy concerned about her feelings, wants and needs. Good luck!
Yes my trip is bought and paid for and I am definitely going. I will enjoy myself no matter what she does because I will be among friends. I think this will plant a seed that I made the effort to come see her and believe me when she doesn't think I would do this, so it is very out of my character and should show her that I thought of her. I know my personality well and have done a professional personalty profile before, so I am well aware of how to listen. The issue is getting her to talk. She always wants me to talk, but after awhile once I get her going then I can actually listen to her, but it takes some time. I have been very validating when I talk to her just like everyone else is, so I do have that in mind, but thanks for the reminder.
