25yearsMLC - 10 yrs Later I File D (pt 5)

[25yearsmlc]

Coconut

I like your comments. I DO feel defensive b/c h blames me for the divorce, justifying himself. I know that's common but given the situation, I admit I did not expect at all.

I admit I feel very much like h abandoned me when I needed him the most, after at least a year of deceit and disloyalty. So, I'm reeling. Like - OMG if H could believe his own crap, might they?? I must fear that inlaws believe h.

And I've learned of some weird lies, not just exaggerations or convenient oversights many WAS's make. I mean, things that are literally the opposite of true, (like a choice HE made to buy the big house, which I expressed discomfort with, that he nows says I made - against & over his objections).

But it's as if I think they will believe h at my expense. Blood is thicker and all that.

FIL's wife should know at some level, that h isn't truthful. She has to know, given some past events.

So, Digging deep in my resistance...why am I so loathe to do this?

Okay pride...I want to not need them even for my kid. That's my ego.

And I have fears...which is self absorbed of me, I know. Plus I'm hurt the inlaws have not reached out to me after 35 years of m, I mean, wtf? Okay there is that.

My s31 said "mom, they are not the reaching out types" but still...I mean, it does feel like I don't exist to them. Erased. I made those people laugh for years, I have their only grandkids, we traveled and hung out, and I am amazed that it's like it never happened. Like I died. And that just hurts.

These are their only grandkids. I'm worried they'll say no to D19, or tell h and he'll go nuts, too.

YES I'm telling myself "25, if you say nothing there is almost 0 chance they will help D19, so there's that..."

and if I say nothing, D19 is more likely to have to be in a position to ask- and risk being rejected, so again, it comes back to me.

Other than my ego, the only thing MAYBE that could be risked is something financially in the divorce but that's a theoretical concern, b/c I can't think of one that is real, off the top of my head.

OKAY I'll read your letter again, wait till the weekend is over and mail something.

Thanks,