FORGET the "light and breezy" stuff for now. Why? Because that's still putting your focus on saving your M.
Just stop and BREATHE, T. No more worrying about what you are "supposed" to do. When you ask that, you're asking us to tell you how to help you save your M. Don't even try to save your M right now. Save yourself.
What does THAT look like, T?
this^^^
You have asked us what it looks like and I swear to you, I relate. If you knew what was happening in my life or on my thread (not insulting, just saying I don't want to repeat it all)
you'd know I KNOW how hard it is to unravel a life you had and a future you planned and making sense of a m you thought you were in...
I now see that I spent a ton of energy working to maintain the belief (illusion?) that my h was all in our m, that we were a team, that he cared deeply for me AND our children and that IF IF IF he could have, he'd spend more time at home...
even in the face of evidence to the contrary, I maintained this belief and defended h to an unhealthy amount. Which I no longer need to do.
A part of me that is small but growing, sees that in time, I will have a lot more energy for MY LIFE than I had before, (b/c I was so busy juggling other's r's with h or pretending that h and the kids "Just need more time together" and or that the secretiveness of h meant something other than what it meant...trying to control the outcome and maneuvering other's and pondering and worrying and blah blah blah.
ENOUGH. OMG yes this hurts like he11, at a cellular level, but it is happening anyhow. It's so very wrong and so unfair, and it's happening anyhow
it's the opposite of what I wanted & dreamed and planned, but it's happening anyhow. I'm now 57, not 47. And it's still happening.
I spent an added decade of my life trying to make something work with a man who is not able to be what he once was, or who I thought he was and for sure is not who I need now...and that is happening anyhow.
Some of this^^^ seems relevant to your situation and how many times you say you "don't want a divorce/baby to grow up in a divorced family/don't want this life".
We know. We get it. Repeating it does Not help you.
It's a loop and it's a rut and you need to swerve your car sharply back onto the road.
Anyway, back to what it might look like...
So here is an outline off the top of my head, okay? Sort of in order...
1) Self care for T0. At least one thing per day, like "meditates 10 minutes" /"Listen to self help tape"/ "go running"/ and one thing per week "T0 sees T/T0 gets massage",
2) fun or nurturing kid activity - (with a newborn, I'd modify this later)
- one thing per day, "play at park with boys", "outside walk with all 3", or "visit Fun relative" 2 x weekly, and monthly each of the older boys gets one on one time with T0
3) professional/school advancement FOR T0, daily "check on homework"/read relevant article friend sent/ watch motivational film/video/,
and then monthly, touching base with classmates or work colleagues for a social and professional networking activity. It's fun, it's GAL and it helps your career.
4) financial/divorce work - see a L, talk to a financial planner, set aside some money asap.
5) ADD on a GAL and do it, monthly. Yes, even this month. Even with a newborn.
You need it and your boys need you.
PS And read Sandi's post to you 3 more times, please....it'll help you move forward.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
